Moral Compass

It’s kind of a tricky situation when your in the middle. I’m a 27 year old black guy. My personality isn't exactly “ethnic”, urban, hood or whatever identifier you would like to use. Yet I am not exactly white washed. I just am who I am! And, who I am usually gets along well with people of other races and other backgrounds. I’ve never been exactly thrilled about staying in one box or having one existence. 

The problem of having people of different backgrounds in your life is that they all have different norms. For example, what my family considers to be norm and/or normal treatment for me is completely different from what other people might think is right. And, I can honestly say, that these days and for a long time, I havent been able to identify with my family and immediate surroundings. Not because I don’t want to but because everything they do pushes me out. 

I’d like to believe that due to our surroundings my family has been conditioned to treat me a certain way. They think it’s okay or normal for them to do certain things. It would be childish to say that other outside influences have turned them against me. But, even if that was the case, it still sounds too outlandish to me. When I look at the relationship that my family has with an old friend of mines, I do get jealous. Jealous not because I dislike my old friend but jealous because they used to love me like they love her. 

They crowd around her and swarm her; give to her without any expectations. They protect her and set her apart. When I look at this situation from a macro perspective, I see that they accepted who I used to be. The ironic thing is who I used to be, was not as good to them as they thought. These days, I treat them a lot better than I used to. When I can I give of myself sometimes I might moan a little but I do it. All the while wishing and hoping that they could accept who I am now. And, not just me but the friends that I have now; they aren't evil and they care about me all of the time. The ironic thing is the old friends of mine that they like have got me in more trouble and drama then anyone I know now. 

Now I am not saying that my family doesn’t love me; I might have just wrote that or eluded to it. But, I really think its safe to say that often times I am not very well liked. And, it’s hard to believe that with a person who has so much love coming at him from both ends could have it so difficult sometimes. One side does something (knowing it could be wrong, looked at wrong or misinterpreted) and the other side watches the wreck come to be. And, here I am looking embarrassed and dumbfounded. And, then the guilty party get mad and is ready to take prisoners. Then shit really hits the fan. And, all because the norm here regardless of who says it’s right or wrong is okay here. And, if no one can oppose you then no one is going to say that what your doing is wrong. 

Sometimes I look back at my surroundings and think to myself. Was this event or that event really worth all the devastation. It doesn’t seem like it to me. The truth is I don’t want anything to do with here. I don’t want to bother anyone and I don’t want to be bothered. Why? because I know in my heart that I will never be able to reach people. The capital they receive is more valuable then my truth or what anyone could say is right. Everyone has their own moral compass and they have the truths that they believe in even if they arent their own. At this point, I dont know what could make it better. All I can do is try to govern myself as best as possible. 

The Third Option

Well, I’m home from Europe and it hasn’t even reached the 24hr mark. And, I’m starting to remember the thing that I dread about coming home. It’s definitely not that I hate my Mom, Aunt and Brother. That is most definitely not the case! If there is anything that I hate it’s just that I have had this life changing experience. I’ve had this journey and taken time to evaluate my life. Time to think about what kind of man that I want to be. Time to think about what I have done wrong in my life and what I could have maybe done differently (if I would have known better).

So when you come home, almost everyone is the same as when you left them. Still thinking the same way and still doing things the same way. And, the people around you can’t really relate. They didn’t have the same or a comparable experience. Also if they are satisfied with life as they know it then they will have no interest in change or living a life new. This also means that there may not be an interest in having a new me. Staying the same would make me easier to manipulate. The funny thing is, what if the change didn’t require you to manipulate…..what if all you had to do was operate; to function. 

But, life is the evolving journey. Your suppose to change and grow. Yet I’ve found that you meet two kinds of people in this life. This first person likes you small and under their thumb. The second person complains that your too little. You never or at least I never meet the third option…The person who says “You are fine just the way that you are”. You are perfect and special, just the way that you are and you can only get better. Life doesn’t manufacture you to certain level of fucked up ness. You can’t go to an adoption agency and say, “I want to adopt a kid, doesn’t matter if he is special needs”. Then get the kid and say, “He is a little too special needs for me”. We are who we are! 

I’m afraid of entering the same frame of mind I had before I left on my journey. I’m scared of becoming a little more self defeating and having self defeating advice/people in my life. Like I’ve said before, “People will try their best to capitalize on you; on your defeats as well as your successes. They won’t always see it that way because they won’t always see or think of you as a person or someone who has goals and dreams for their life. 

Not sure if and when I will go back to Europe but I have several places I would like to see. I’ve got my fingers crossed for enlightenment and for some more fun along the way. Fingers crossed! Will see how it goes. 

Atleast I Tried

It's easy to be a victim and to feel bad for yourself. It's harder to remember that bad shit happens and it will happen again. And, most likely it will happen again after that. The foolish thing to do is to take your first hand emotions out on other people. Why? because everything is settling. It's settling in your brain and just all around you. Sometimes you have to wait for the fog to settle. 

And, I'm just kind of going numb to my life right now. I've had a hell of a day but I've had worst. I've been talked to disrespectfully but I've been treated worst. And, I don't necessarily want to focus this post on the negatives of today or yesterday (depending on what time zone your in). If anything I want to focus on the bigger picture. 

I've said it time and time again (in my other blog) but after a while it starts to feel like every one is just trying to get a reaction out of. They want you to unleash a beast. And, I'll tell you a secret, there is a beast inside of me. My life in the game of life, I know is different. The people are different. The rules are different but most importantly what's different is the history is different. 

I can't treat someone or handle someone the same way, the I treat someone else that I know. Especially when most people who I have the biggest beefs with in my life, have never spent more than a minute trying to get to know. And, as much as most people don't like the way I am. I've said it before like a million times in my other blog but I want to change. 

I want to build loving, friendly and reliable relationship with new people in my life. You can't even talk about the past let alone fix it. And, the more that others or new people stay in the opposition of my past, I will be right there with them. The same person and maybe less. 

You can't be the cause and the cure in someone else's life. And, often times I wish that my friends could come together. Not because I want something bad to happen but because all of the people that I call friend have so much to offer each other. Like Oprah says, "I think life is better when we share".

When we can't communicate with people, we cut our own selves. The person that your cutting off, shutting down and sending to a death camp, might have been in your shoes or knows something you don't. Maybe that person could help you. And, at the very least it would be nice to not be the middle man in my life for once. 

In a way, I've seen people come together. Maybe not in a way that I would have liked. It sucks to carry the weight that people you have loved, trusted or have your body to have decided to not give a fuck about you equally. And, it sucks to be the guy that others are capitalizing on. It's an outrageous burden to carry. Maybe you would be crazy and stupid too. 

Now I know I might have said some things that offends or frustrated some. But, maybe this time you could let it go. Maybe this time you will see that my truth is a gift to you as much as my kisses and hugs are. I know me saying that won't heal all wounds and what I'm about to say might make it worse but sometimes I wish people would treat me right so I wouldn't accidentally step on them while living my life. It sucks balls to tip toe through life. Well I'm exhausted now! And I'm sure tomorrow won't be a piece of cake either. But, God I've gotta keep going even when I know I might fall, be tricked or fail. Trying is all that matters in my life now. Atleast I tried!