Hurt (Wait A Minute)

Ohhhhh! I hurt everywhere right now. My legs hurt and even my arms hurt. It's not like I have been lifting weights but all this damn walking. It's good for me but too much of anything can kill you. Lol! But, I don't want my car back because this is good for me. Anyway, let's get focused! Let's think about a couple things like being hurt. Recent events have taught me something very important! 

So my current teacher is different. He is not bad or anything like that, he is just different. So after a hiccup with my work; I was upset and after all ways said and done, I just don't think we were reading each other well. His way of giving assignments, how he gives instruction and even communicates was so foreign to me for some reason. Needless to say I was getting frustrated! We forget that when we meet different people, communication is so important. You really can't go off of people's actions sometime. What may look bad, may be different even though something's are just different and bad. 

And, that brings me to my life and the bigger issues around it. Some people think it's a matter of American security and having greater access to information. In my mind and in my heart, it's not about that. I don't see my friends and the people I love interested in terrorizing people. What I see is people fighting to not be terrorized and to not have their lives turn upside down. And, I know some people say, "How could you or we feel that way when these (other people) help?". Well, it comes with a high cost; you willed your power over because you say a way to fix your problems. But, here you have these (other) people who are interested and doing the thing to them that you've accused my friends of. We know and I have verbally heard, "I want their information and technology". 

I'm so sorry to say it but America is the bad guy. Wait a minute! I don't want to say America is the bad guy but some Americans are. I want to say the same thing about France, Belgium, The Netherlands, Brazil, China, Korea, Japan, Thailand, Austria and Australia. And, it is unfortunate that we can't communicate with this people. It is unfortunate that these people can't take no for an answer. It is unfortunate that it has to go as far as it is and most likely further. And, the American in me admires the strength, stealth and the aggression of these other people. But, so much of who I am is now Western and Northern European. I'm interested in diplomacy, acting with a conscious, being reserved, having conversations, fairness, modernization and equality. Stealth, strength and aggression can be seen as  barbarian activity if you don't have all the attributes I mentioned. 

In closing, you can't be the barbarian and the lamb at the same time. You can't ask for security and information, be a barbarian and then when you get beat or found out, become the baby lamb that's abused. It's not fair! To ask for something you can't give. It's not fair for you to be so mean and demanding but not open to other people and things. Something has to change! And, it has to begin within the Americans first. We need transparency and equality amoung ourselves before we try to tell some other country about themselves because there are so many Americans walking around acting a fool off of things they don't even have correct in the first place. The work needs to be done here. We need to know why we're getting it wrong here. 

Mean Gays

I know lots of people wonder why I don't date or have more black male friends. I swear it's not on purpose. Even a white male friend of mines gets on my case about it. Most people that know me, know I'm equal opportunity. I don't have on my profiles white only or no asians. I don't do things like that! I believe it's wrong! What I don't like is attitude! The majority of my life I've been teased. Throughout elementary school I was chased home from school. In middle school people threw stuff at me and called me gay before I even knew what it was. By high school, I looked scary enough that no one bothered me or didn't for long. 

But when I got in my twenties, I was living in my old apartment and had a job doing HIV/AIDS prevention for the black gay community. And, there was this gay who got hired after me. He was recently discharged from the Army and was from Georgia. For some reason he choose me to pick on out of all the people that worked there. Everyday he picked and he picked while I did nothing. So I finally started to stand up for myself but he still felt he had the upper hand and continued. Then one day he tried it again and tried to touch me. So I lost my mind, I pin him in the corner in front of the whole office and said, "If you want to fight, we can do this". I'd had enough! I couldn't stand it anymore. 

The next time this happened, I was abroad and a boy did it again. He was black, American and from Georgia. He kept picking in his own way from the first time that I met him. I didn't pin him in a corner; my friends saved me from that. Plus, there was another black guy there, he wasn't from America but we got along great. And, I'm not the kind of boy to pick on people. And, my issue with dating black men has nothing to do with me being friends with them. And, recently, I've been tested again. I'm not going to fight but on my own accord, I will not take beaten after beating everyday especially where I live and sleep. 

Repercussions may come my way but I don't expect my friends to bail me out. I've done what I've done on my own. And, I'm not sorry about it! However, I will say that I'm sorry if anyone else gets hurt in the process. I know these kind of people; they will hurt anything you have or love, just to get back at you. They are easy to offend and when they have some power behind them, they just take everything they do out proportion. And, this attitude is not so uncommon with with people in my community especially with black gay men. I don't care if your older, how much money or power you have. I'm going to let you have so much space and let you get away with it for so long before I get pissed off. 

I'm not entirely sure why I'm explaining myself but I guess it always boils down to race. I'm not racist....I'm an attitude-ist. In high school, I was a bitchy queen for a while until I learned that, that's not going to get you too far in the real world. Plus, My mother didn't raise me or my brother that way because no one in my family is that way. And, yeah, my brother and I fight but we're not bitchy queens to each other all day. We joke but we know when a joke is a joke. That's just the way we are; my whole family and I. So I don't know what's next but I face it with full responsibility; do what you want to me and my body but leave other people out of it. I'm doing you a favor! 

Assurance Insurance

There is one thing that I always write about and you will be reading about it again today. What I want to talk about is the assurance of others. So here it goes…

In my life, I have been talked about. Definitely talked about more than most. It was never really a problem because even just a few years ago, I could walk away or distance myself from whatever drama that was going on. And, I could come home and rest assured that my family would love me without bias. They would have enough faith in my decisions and know who I am to them. 

These days I can’t get far without the popular version of who I am and what my life has been like following me. And, thats not really good because on a spiritual level, human beings need the space to evolve into something more. They need the space to grow internally. And, on a natural level, having a reputation follow you is going to ruin you socially. Instead of people, deciding who you are for themselves, they will take the popular opinions of popular or sacred people and believe it. In some cases this is fine but whether the stories are true or not, its’ hard to live, change or grow under those circumstances. 

Anyway, what brought this topic to mind is this….All the time (not just today) people are saying things to me like “Oh, this person is good”, “This person is with me” and even sometimes, “I own this person”. And, you know what, I believe those things. I’ve no doubt that this person is good but I also have no doubt that any person is capable of something more or worse. As for the other two statements, I just resent those words. Even if its true, maybe because I am the great grand son of slaves or because I am American and there is an amendment in the Constitution, I just resent the idea of anybody owning another person. 

A lot of times, the idea that comes to mind that somewhere along the line, my family and my friends started to see that I was something more or different than just their family member. At some point, they took popular opinion over me. I wonder when did I become this thing to be appeased, watched and cautious with. When did I become the person that would hurt his family. The funny thing is none of them ever watched themselves like I had to watch them. They all have evolved into people that I actually have to watch or be extremely cautious with. And, its not because they are mean people but some of them can be. There are several reasons why I have to but I think today its because they don’t always know everything. In their existence, time and time again, I have seen them almost make fools of themselves because they only knew a portion of the story. 

I’ve watched so many people I know walk in the assurance of word of mouth. It’s the assurance of things that remain unseen. And, in many ways, watching this I feel for people who act or do things that they normally wouldn’t do if they knew everything. And, if you get anything from this blog post, don’t let it be juice about my family or friends, I want you to understand two or three things….1. Sometimes you have to forgive people and let things go because they know not what they are doing. 2. Secondly, before you go half cocked in revenge, you have got to educate (although trying to tell someone who is convinced of one thing is impossible). And, Lastly, just be prepared….no matter what you do or say some people aren’t going to believe you. 

If any of you have figured it out, I’m all about freedom and letting people do as they please (as long as they don’t hurt anybody else). It’s hard to live this way when you have one side that I should belong and support no matter what. Then another side that loves me and supports me even when I am being stupid or crazy. And, you see the side that you belong to taking shots at the other side and at me (sometimes just to get the other side). All of which I think is awful not because I am loved there but because in most cases it is just wrong or unprovoked. Then they get protection for doing it and defended by people who don’t even know what the fighter actually did, And, then to see people just trying to protect themselves and frowned upon for it is just mind blowing. Like I would really like to understand how the world works these days. 

Calling All Battleships...

Recently I said that the tide can change at any point in time. And, you can feel the tide changing. Everyone is getting hyped, the energy is different and the sarcasm level is going up. I'm not afraid because I expect a number of bad things to happen. And, I just can't wait for them to just happen, so some of us can feel better about ourselves or more secure. So some of us can feel their control and like their winning (in a game that's produced nothing but losers. So some of us can be a little more angry and so the tide can change all over again. 

Some people think I'm brave, some think I'm stupid and something I'm pretty smart. What can I say, I am human, I'm a little bit of everything. But, there are two things that happen in my life that made me be the way that I am. When I was 13 or 14, for my birthday my Mom promised to get me a Nintendo Gameboy color. It was a special edition Pokemon Gameboy pack. So did it even though we were homeless. And, a friend of the family said to me while I was alone with her, "this is all your fault, your the reason why you guys are homeless". And, I felt the guilt. And, hear I am in this situation now and it feels just like I am the little boy again. I feel like all of sudden, it's my fault that life has turned into this and spilled into others. 

I hate it and that's a heavy mental battle to fight. It's something that I have to think rationally and easily about it. It takes me to a dark place. And, I've got to keep going. I've got to keep moving along. ; can't sit in depression and sickness. The inactivity is only going to make you feel worst. 

So good luck to all of us. I'm calling all my mental battleships to keep me from falling down so low. I know there will best some hard tests and keeping the drama to a minimum. Fingers crossed! 

Welcome Back to Reality

This is where I know I said something that was true. When you touched something. When you can feel the earth moving. Minds questioning because they never knew. 

When it comes to this life, when it to this much pain...I know that I've said something true. If it wasn't true, you would have counted against my character and IQ. 

It's like the pain I feel is bittersweet and all because I know the truth. I want to count it to my IQ. But, sad because this isn't all just a dream or coma I'm having. This is my real life. I'm not watching a bad movie. This is me living. It's a heartbreaking realization. 

But, what can you do! Nothing but to keep trying. Running back to the little bit of life you had. You realize that even though it was little, it was sweet. Now you get more drama when your trying to not have drama. And, you guys just would not get it or maybe you would. But, to have intense and delicate relationships mixed into all your relationships. And, to constantly have to have these intense and delicate situations going through your head and rest of your body. I mean a real mental problem. Then to travel the world in a day. How am I still alive. But, I try to get on with a happy smile and pick my arse up. And, it works! 

I've got pick myself up off the ground. I've got do something. It all brings me back to love and I feel purpose in life and space to be normal. And, even though I get worn out like now. In many many ways, sometimes it feels so great to be me. Not because of some weird drama. But because I like who I am. I like who I talk to. And, grateful for the lessons I've learning. Maybe a little angry about the people I've lost. 

I'm not sure about the future at this point. The climate is changing. Even Im changing. And with all this I've got to say that we've all got to stay humble. This the part where shit seems to get real. But, tomorrow is another day. X 

Timeline

Sometimes I don't have all the answers. I just don't have all the information. But, anytime I get lost I always do one or two things. The first thing I do, is cross reference between my blog posts. Then I try to remember everything that I didn't write about those posts. Where was I running during that time. Remember those encounters. The second part  is the easy part. 

The hard part is reliving the past because these days the past tends to come back alive. And, in most cases, if something is in my past and not in my present then it's for a reason. 

There is a particular section of time that comes to mind now. It's a time that belongs to a friend. Now I'm on good terms with this friend maybe even on excellent terms. But, I feel the energy shift between us; I felt it a long time ago. I felt something different in him. And, I look at that window of time and I'm starting to see that there was a collaboration which would explain maybe why another local friend recently shut me out so abruptly. If Im wrong then this is really bad but if I'm right then things are even worse then I thought. And, I'm running through the time line trying to connect all of the dots........Working at Loyola Marymount University-discovered running area on my  own. Paul. Nicholas. Running area. New people buy house where I park my car. Changes in area. Go to Berlin. Come home- Tim and Irish people. Money. David-day I bought ticket to Copenhagen. House across the street from where I park my car is bought. New parking spot but something of the few blocks screams of Wes. 

I'm starting to see that the only way, I'm going to answers is either with help or to turn my life in an old direction. But, if things are as bad as I think they might be. That means that there are more wolves in sheep clothing then I thought. And, there is only so much that I can do especially if certain people won't talk to me, won't see me or I can't see them.  

And, I hate to put things out there that I can't verify or confirm. I don't like to do it because it only further creates the myth or verifies the illusion that I'm totally crazy and/or stupid. Plus, there is one important thing to remember especially if you don't have fantastic vision or knowledge. The rumor is that there are other factions out there that are operating under deep cover. If that's true, who they might be and if they are succeeding....I don't know. So it's hard to sometimes know whose your friend and you risk a lot bothering some people. One thing I know for sure, is that there are three different people I need to talk to but I can't get to any of them. I could use a referee in my life, the way my relationships get destroyed. I just need a whole team of people to come. Fix my life! 

I feel like I might go through a similar situation with another friend. Something said to me, on the day I came home from seeing him, "don't get his address, if you get his address that is how it will happen". And, I talked with my friend and said to him, "Now before you give me your address, I really want you to think about this". He insisted and I really couldn't protest, he seemed to have everything under control. But, I look at where we are now and where that address has been. Hmmm! 

Never Ceases To Amaze Me

So I'm laying here and I'm exhausted. I want to go to sleep but every time I get ready to something pops up. Anyway, earlier today I was having one of those moments. How foolish we must look in Gods eyes. And, I'm sad by how easily were all so taken in. 

The one thing that bothers me about everything and everyone around me.....is when have you ever seen someone around here get their hands laid on by someone that I recently. Why is it just automatically assumed that, this or that is going to happen. It pisses me off because here you have people, who are begging to be safe and to be protected by people who want them to provoke, hurt and capture other people. On what planet does that make sense. 

It really takes heart to fight. I see that heart in same people that are in my heart. It takes heart and soul to keep going even when you've been tagged and branded as something your not. But, if you can be controlled then will let you in so you can bring us closer to our goal of doing the same thing that we just did to you, to somebody else. It's shit that still never ceases to amaze me. And, I know all of you know these things. But, it pisses me off that the first people to open their mouths about me and mines are people who can't even look me in the eye or meet me. 

It pisses me off that some of us act elementary school bullies; the first ones to be mean, to lay hands on someone, the first ones to lose their heads, the first ones to brag about how strong they are and tell me that I should go ahead and tell my friends that they should just give up, they get one bump on their ego and their screaming and crying for the next person to come along and save them like someone just sued them (like I was), like someone whose been hit in a car (like me and my mom), like someone who has been rejected countlessly (like me), like someone who can't meet people (like me), like someone who can't have sex (like me), like someone who can't be awake for twenty minutes (like me), my someone who just gained another thirty pounds in one year (like me). 

And, it pisses me off because why or how could you say to someone "Oh,y'all should just give up". You know what, you  must not know what your participating in. You must not understand the scope of things. There are friends that I know, I'm my heart love me but if they had the choice to get out of this game, be left alone and all they had to do was leave me alone then you could very well believe that they would have done it long ago. But, this thing, this event is spreading like a bad rash all over the globe. 

I know it's hard for many or any of us to think about other people for too long. Everyone was so crazy about those kidnap school girls in Africa, we found a few and everybody forgot about it. And, most black folks don't care too much unless it's something bad that's happened to another black person. But, I don't know many people who are in my position; all of my good friends are pretty much more better off then me. And, these are beautiful and talented people. No better than anyone else even if they have stronger or great abilities. These people are not just white, they are not just male and they are not just gay. There are mothers, sisters, fathers, brothers, aunts and uncles. They are teachers, investors, warehouse workers, and much more. Who worked just as hard as you to get where they are. And, you standby and watch other people who give to their communities near and far, fall because they have (in cases just an interaction) or relationship with me? And, you do it for a woman who confessed all her crimes (to everyone here and the captors) and your still interested in finding the people who brought her to justice. 

It's like....I don't understand this. Why  didn't this stop like over a year or so ago. Why is this still happening and coming from to self confessed greatest country in the world. When will you people see, that as much as it is about me, it's about other people. And, you can say that it's not but I can tell you half of the people that your running with or two faced and never trust a two faced person because  they will stab you in the back when it counts. A two faced person is worried about survival. And, a half of em, talk major shit about all of you. The other half is is so confused that they don't know up from down and just believe simply because they confuse power with righteousness. This is sad! And, I can tell you, that this is not the real world for any of us. You can't just believe things about people. You've got use your eyes and not your ears. This experience is making mean and infantilized people. And, like the young boy in the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe as long as the Turkish Delight keeps coming your sold. 

In closing, I've got one last thing to say before I shut up. Lots of people are upset about management and the extra person hanging around the house. You feel like you have no room to move or freedom. And, I could be half wrong about this. But, imagine how so many others feel; being so removed from their lives, from their loved ones and even me. A lot of things could change if we could just get real and let some things go. But, like I said it doesn't just end with me, it's other people out there to who are mad as hell.