Sunscreen

Even with all the bad things that have happened in and around my life. I think one of the most important things to recognize is that what something means to you, doesn't mean the same thing to someone else. Who you find comfort in or whatever is supporting you, is not necessarily supporting me and vice versa. I've had several friends that had other friends and forces in their life that were devastating to me but everything to them. 

And, you can't be the kind of person that tries to break people apart something between others. You'll look like the bad guy. Furthermore, if you try to enlighten someone as to what their relationship with that other entity means to you. Then you'll most likely look jealous. Is there really a nice way to say, “Hey, your relationship (that’s bringing you so much joy) is making me miserable and putting a wedge between us”. You cant say that your friend or family member doesn't care about you simply because he or she made this choice. In a lot of case, by choosing this other person they are choosing themselves over you. And, most of us would choose ourselves our anyone else.

This is something that I have battled with for a while. And, there is not much that I can do. While my family and old friends, see sunshine and rainbows. All that I see behind that screen is smoke and brimstone. Yet it must be said that these people could be the nicest people in the world but its the relationship or attitude that given to me is what is troublesome. And, how do you make peace with hell or what you see as hell. What do you do? You can leave your friends but you can’t divorce your family. You cant run away, or at least I can’t, from your problems. So you just learn to live with certain things not because you want to or you have to but because you really have no other choice. 

There are so many times and methods that I have used to try to get away. Not because I hate my family but because I think its the best way to preserve our relationship and for me to grow up a little. They can have their sunshine and I could find my own. But, as you guys can see, I have been unsuccessful. And, this loosing battle has raised me up a little. But, the more mistakes that I make these days, the more that I see that I have a lot more growing up to do. Yet after years and years of fighting, if it was all done and over this morning, I would see want to just sit somewhere for like a month or two. But, life doesn't work like that…..it just keeps going on and on. 

Back To The Womb

Most of the time that I have found confusion and chaos in my life, it was by people who sought to bring me down to a manageable size so that they can continue on with their lives. And, live their lives while I lick my wounds like a child or indulge myself in fantasy….casting my eyes away from what’s going on in my life. 

The ironic thing is most people cant see how damaging that really is. Everyone wants you to work and do all of these important things. They want you to be a man everywhere else but at home. But, if something bad comes your way; your a kid all over again. Even if you are punished like a man. And, its hard to have that duality. When your a teen its easy to act grown and then hide from your parents. But, when you get older, who wants to be a kid again and being an adult is not exactly fun. 

The hardest thing is to not get caught up in the madness. Everything is throwing a punch at you. Everyone is looking for that reaction. And, when they get it, they give you something else to be mad about. So it is important to stay at peace and let people act a fool if they want to. They way it was always told to me is that it takes two people to fight. If you don’t fight then you either getting beat or that person is fighting with themselves. 

Secondly, its important to remember to just keep on going about your life. The minute you give in to madness then madness always knows how to get you.  And, at this point in my life. I just can’t deal with it. I’ve got to walk away from it! Simply because nothing good is going to come from it. You can treat people nicely but sometimes people will take your kindness for weakness or trickery. Life is hard enough! 

Occurrence

That is so frustrating! The idea that a war could be started over the fact that I have a relationship with one person. And, I went through this one time before. Well more than one time. It's like I don't want to get ugly over something so stupid. But, what pisses me off is that I look at all the things that I can't do because of other people. I think about everything I lost and I don't have then I actually get angry and I never angry. But, it's just like one more thing that I can't have. It's like one more thing that's owned and controlled by someone else. Can really own a name, a word, a punctation make, the air, or another person. And, if you really could own such a thing then how far do your rights extend. For the rest of my life, would I be excluded from something because you have a claim on it or is it as long as I know you. But, what really pisses me off is that you can throw a fit about it when no one bothered you and everybody roll up because they even got mentioned then do what their doing. And, it's okay! It might have been different if you were running someone else name throw the mud or was actually fucking with them. But, every one thinks it's acceptable. Yet if I get upset then I'm out of line when everyone else is acting a damn fool. It's like what the fuck do you really want. It's things like this that really just depress me because it's like so stupid. And, everyone is okay with that. Like I can live my life ducking and hiding but that's fine. Like I can be sick or damaged over it and sorry is suppose to be okay. It's always sooooo simple when it comes to me. My life really means nothing to a whole bunch of people and it never did from the start. 

Occurrence

Boom Boom Pow! The story is always the same, nothing ever changes. 

I Just Want It To Be Over

If you knew me, you would know that I get a long with any and every body. You just have to be cool. And, beyond being cool, just be interested and straight forward. No need for complications because “Hey, I want to have a good time”. But, even with this type of attitude, you still can’t be friends with everybody. And, sometimes its so bad that there are certain places that you cant even go. 

Now I have talked about this situation several times over in the past. If you like, you can check out this old blog post so you can kind of be up to date. Anyway, Franz and I have had a complicated past. And, its been mostly complicated due to communication errors. He did me the courtesy of treating me like an adult when I was really just going through some thing and being an idiot. So I didn’t know how to receive him and he didn’t know that. 

Even though his roots were abroad, he was definitely an angeleno by the time I met him. So he felt kind of harsh in that way that L.A. people can be harsh. But, even still I liked him. We got along well; we enjoyed each others company. But, there was/is still something else that kind of got in the way of our relationship. I’ve chalked it up to his connect to my roots; our past experiences, his connection to my old neighborhood and maybe some emotions. 

Things are better between us now that he moved back to Austria. But, Its not often that I think of him much these days. Sometimes I make an effort. But, when it hurts to be someone else’s friend, its hard to be friendly. Furthermore, When someone else has the upper hand of your relationship (read that again to make you catch that), sometimes they can only see what ails them but not what hurts you. Unfortunately, I’d run into this same problem with my friend Curtis but a little in reverse. 

In the beginning, it was nothing but sex, real friendship, and really good food. In the last six or so years, he made the only food that didn't make me sick afterwards or at least feel sick. He made me feel good inside and out. He was someone I could talk to, he was someone who was interested in my future, encouraged and helped me stay out of trouble. And, I am forever thankful and grateful to him for that time. 

But, somewhere between the end of 2011 and 2012, something changed in him and in his life. The last really good time I had with him when I didn't have this sinking feeling was just before I introduced him to my ex best friend. Slowly over time, he transformed….he stopped giving me that old friendly feeling. He felt suffocating and it hurt to be his friend. There were still good moments but I wanted to let him go. So I wrote him a card and did just that. It was getting worse and I was comfortable with the direction things were going. 

With all the bad luck that I have had with lovers and friends, I’m pretty superstitious and maybe even a little bit too suspicious. If you don't believe me, here are a few of mines. Avoid certain numbers, Avoid Asian people, places and things (Im not racist but 95% of the time its gonna be a bad experience), Avoid certain countries namely France (fashion capital of the world), Brazil, Switzerland, Netherlands, Australia and Austria, people from those countries act like I have the plague or like I am Witch in the Salem Witch Hunt. And, I usually avoid being friends with people named or the variation of the name Chris, Carlos, Janette, Jackie, Scott and more but I know thats crazy. I’m trying to break out of the name habit. You never know how is going to in to your life. As far as it goes, I just made friends with a couple Chris' and I don’t plan on not being their friends as long as they want to be mines. These are just a few of the superstitions and the connections run deep.

I know that living my life this way is not easy or going to be easy. Its not good to not be able to talk to people especially different people or people you don’t like. Well the truth is I don’t particularly have the patience to deal with them anymore. If anything I just expect the ax to drop every time; I don’t expect them to be able to just be cool anymore. And, I’ve tried for many years to get things to level out but I guess you cant force things. The only real way that I can show them that I cared or appreciate them is to just leave them alone. 

Baggage

In my adventures across the globe there one thing that I have learned to be true. We all struggle and go through things. But, we all carry our baggage differently as much as we live our lives differently. 

People in my life seem to wear it all outwardly. It's all in your face! And, I've carried my baggage and as soon as I've met someone who would care, I just gave it to them. And, what I mean by baggage is not just my sadness but everything else I had. 

And, you will alienate people. Nobody wants to be associated with certain things. In my life, I've found that people that don't want to be involved in dramas; are not people that don't care but are people who care about the important things. They care about life and moving forward. 

If there is anything in this life that makes me and the people around me monsters is that we are self defeating. We are so involved in each other's lives. We have so many secrets and so much negativity. And, we have so many causes and fears. So much to cover up! And, instead of trying to put distance between the spots and bad people; we hold on as if the knowledge, truths and images that others know will magically disappear. As if no one else will see the restraints and pressure that we have put on their friend, co worker, son, daughter, father or mother. 

On the other hand, there are people who do care and some that really don't, who do take on tasks or our baggage.....no matter if were right or wrong. And, what we fail to say is that every bad thing someone could say about you; you give to that person. When you give some one your baggage and burdens; you give them your titles and enemies too. So I want to be careful who I give my burdens to. I don't want to prolong the disease. I want to end it! 

I don't know about you guys; I just want to move on with my life. I'm so tired of having people in my life, who speak evil and stir the pot yet have a certain idea for what they want in their place but can't condone or produce harmony. We are all one and the same; we either have to work together or separate. We can't move forward if were hurting ourself because of one person or many. In the real world, people just carry on. They don't have time to fight themselves when there is a whole big world out there to challenge you. 

And, it's not about, for me, that I have to kill this person or that. There are other persons that might feel differently about this person or that person. And, that's their thing; so talk to them, not me. Anyway, that's another blog post. Ending the drama, is not going to be easy. It's not easy to get others to understand or to get people on the same page. That's the hardest part! And, you don't want to be forceful or like some socialist/hitler regime about things. That's kind of the wrong direction to go. Yet you can't afford to be the whisper in folks ears. And, you dont necessarily want to be deceitful and work around people. But, you can't just sit nicely and let things get worse. It's an ugly business trying to get your life together when so many other people are involved. 

I look at my family and want to say so many things to them. I want to tell them just how sorry I am and explain how things are in my life. How I could use their  support. But, asking certain things of them is not just asking them to change but it's asking them to go against how they were raised. If you were beat and talked about any kind of why then you might do the same to someone. Adults are still like children in that way. When something is acceptable in our family or by the masses, we just go with it. And, it becomes apart of our ideas of morality. It is the rules. And, that's how we get baggage. 

Occurrence

It feels good to be moving on....well not actually moving on but just not to be thinking about the pain or the drama that everyday life can bring. To just do something....to do just anything. That's a powerful thing but like always people try to come and rain on your parade. Everybody needs something to do. The funny thing if I started to focus on them, they wouldn't like it (not because I'd try to hurt them). Simply because nobody likes a light shining on them but they love to put theirs on you. 

The Ice King

You know I was very lucky to have been born in the late 80’s. Kind of missed a lot of drama of the early part of that decade and in the next. My Mom and Aunt were pretty great parents, there was not a Disney movie or toy that came out that I didn't get. Next to the Little Mermaid, I think Pocahontas was my second favorite. Why her? Well, there was just something about her that I could identify with. 

Despite appearances, I used to be this wild and adventurous kid. I liked to get into things and just run to the next thing with arms wide open. I lived my life like there was something just around the river bend. I’ve lived my life this way, then I became an adult and there comes the choice in the road. Choosing a path is not easy and since there was never anything that looked as good as continuing down that river. 

No one ever tells you that some rivers end and you can get stuck on the rocks. Now I look back on all the opportunities I let pass me by and I get sad. This morning I want to talk about one specific one that I have always regretted passing up. It was 2008, and you couldn't tell me anything. At the time, I was 21 years old and sexy! There was not a day that went by that I didn't think about boys, fashion or money. At the time, I had just cleared some choppy water and was rolling on a river. 

Working at one of the last privately owned and gay video stores in the Los Angeles area was a privilege. You got to meet so many people! And, not to toot my own horn but I’ve always attracted and befriended exceptional people; whether it be in character or ability…..I always meet really cool guys. And, one day I met my Monkey Ice King, you’ll understand why Ive given him this name a little later. But, I cant remember the first time we met because it can get really busy in that store and you just want to get everyone out quick. 

But, it was a spring or summer day and I remember looking out the window. The window was partially blocked by displays. But, I looked down and saw this bike approaching. What was so interesting about this bike was the legs. I’d never seen such long, defined and perfect legs in my life. Well maybe on a runway but these were runway quality legs. And, then the legs walked in and here is this grey but really muscular nerdy looking jewish guy. Then to top it off, he has a voice just like the Ice King in Adventure time. 

He noticed me and we just began this dialogue. He liked me! And, I liked him. It was evident from the start that he was a good man. I loved talking to him because he had lived through the decades I loved. He had all these amazing stories! He lived in Switzerland and Germany plus a few other places. More than sleeping with him, I just liked having him around! He made me feel pretty and like a good person. 

So from time to time, he would come to the store. I’d take my break and the two of us would just sit and talk. When that didn't happen, he called and he emailed. He pulled for me and I wanted him but I didn't want to leave the river. But, he hated L.A. and wanted to continue on his journey. And, he did! One day he left! What once was an almost daily thing became sporadic messages on Skype from Germany. An occasional email from Zurich. He was gone but wasn't happy and I was here but wasn't happy. 

Time changed and we both became different people. Life wasn't too kind to either of us. Moneys were low, friends and assistance was hard to come by. In his despair he felt the call to go back to the church and as a monk (here is were the monkey comes in). Maybe a great decision but not the best location. He ended up in a country that he hated and then of course there came me; if you know what I mean. Now he just seems so bitter and negative. He says it’s nothing but he just doesn't feel the same. The joy and optimism in his voice is gone. I miss him! He is my Monkey Ice King. And, I know that life might have been really different for the both of us if I could have just held on to him. But, I suppose everything happens for a reason. 

http://youtu.be/shTNJhjumhY

Occurrence

Its hard to manage the days, some days. Everybody I find that I am doing something for somebody else. Everything and everyone requires so much care and attention. It would be a lot different if things were running smoothly in my own personal life. Everyday I am looking at my money intensely, trying to make sure that I have everything that I need and dreaming about my wants. 

The truth is I am not really complaining about having things to do. If anything I just wish that some people were kind of understanding. But, even more than this I wish everything wasn’t soooooooooo serious. It’s good practice for stress manage but everyday shouldn’t be this way. It just shouldn’t be this way. Everyday shouldn't be a fight to just be, to just use the computer, what to eat or to go for a walk. 

In the end….I’ve got to do the best that I can and try to make things work. Fingers crossed! 

The End

In a just world, the mercy you give is the mercy that you receive. I’m trying to remain positive and be at peace. Give a little and complain a little less. It takes too much energy to be evil and thats where the mistakes happen. I’ve found that people who waste so much energy on being evil and vengeful miss things. And, more than ever…..in my life I just afford to make mistakes; I’ve got to be clear headed, precise, and on target. 

Yet the reality my list for people that I wouldn't mind seeing pushed into a pool is quite long. I know a lot of people that have done me wrong; physically and in other ways. And, the mercy that I extend (whether I get my ass kicked or not) is better for focusing on things that really matter. On top of all that stuff, I have to remember that everyone I could hate is not necessarily well informed or in their right minds. And, at the end of the day in this sad world it all boils down to image. 

Just like with other people, whether I was coerced or acted on my own I am responsible for whatever I do or am involved in. But, I can’t deny that in my heart…..I want justice. I want a sorry or a grand gesture of some sort. Yet I have come to find that receiving grand gestures come at a high cost. But, Like Tina Turner said in What’s Love Got To Do With It?, “All I want is my name”. I just want to not be associated with the drama and negativity. 

So I want to encourage you guys to take the high road. I want to encourage you guys to think about what really matters. All these little fights are mere battles compared to the war out there. Do things the legal way; get some real justice. Do things that produce results or save lives….something. But, if you must live the low life then do it for all the right reasons, be like a thief in the night and if nobody can get hurt in the process then more power to you. But, think about whats important! Think about the ending……How can you, me and we get to happily ever after. To the Thelma and Louise cliff moment. Jada Pinkett at the end of Set It Off. Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid. Cinderella. To The End and new beginning.  

Whatever the case, your all adults and know what to do. 

I Decided

Ugh! Every time I start to have a little faith in society and surroundings....something happens to totally change my mind. And, I'm learning more and more these days that you can't judge peoples actions immediately; there maybe something that you don't know. 

But, it's very troublesome to think about how impossible life is. The fact that I live in a world where one side can control so much....influence so much....and hurt so much. And, it might not always be the intention but it happens. 

No one really talks! And, I know that a lot of things are not about me. But, none of this wouldn't have happened if it wasn't for me. What other people don't recognize or even care about is at the end of the day everything they do affects my life. Every fight, words, restriction or anything affects my life. 

We live in a world where you have to get out there. You have to be seen and involved in order to just stay on top of your life. Being indoors so much is as much a burden as it is a blessing. It's great to be able to not have to worry about working if I don't want to. But, I'm watching my life pass me by. I'm watching myself lose everything. And, I can't replace "real" things. I can't replace real friends just as much as I can't find a new job. 

Being here, where I am now, it's like living in a box and trying to be forced into a mold of life that was never my life. I'm not interested it doesn't appeal to me. And, it's all happening by force. People yell and scream that violence is all abound. If I could say the world pictures of my friends; the pictures alone would show you that I don't hang out with violent people. I'm a gay man....beyond the few issues that gay men care about. Most gay men just want to fuck and spend money at the end of the day. 

The difference that I noticed among the people between the people I've invited in to my life versus the entertainment I'm surrounded by is.....the invites are spectators and commentary. They don't try to control other people as much as they think about my life. The entertainment is not just something to watch anymore; it's coming out of the tv screen. It's coming in your home and physically rearranging things. It's one thing to fight someone or be at odds with some but it's a completely different thing to hurt someone else's livelihood because they have an opinion or know something about you. When you act like this, how could I be interested in what you have to offer? Am I suppose to cheer you on for hurting people that I have shared my life and love with. If it was right, none of you would have to run away and hide....ever.

Yesterday a friend of mines on Facebook said something along the lines as "it's better to have never known one at all". And, I realize I'm that guy to maybe handfuls of people. I feel like maybe I should just walk away from everything and everybody before things get rough for more people. Just let all the bad things fall on top of me.

 But, a thought came to me before I did something so impulsive. I just had a thought to ask an old flame. We never talk or have conversations anymore; so I took a real chance in even trying to ask him my two questions. I wanted to know what he thought about me. So I asked! How far would he have taken things (between us)? And, would he accept my family and friends? I wanted to know that if I would have chosen him or so other local guy, could he have loved me despite doing what he is doing. Would he have pushed me away from all I know and forced me to live his life. It would have made all the difference in the world if he would have had the right answers. But, he said, "Would they accept me?". Right then and there, I decided that, "It would have been a struggle to date him". I might have had more but it would have felt like less being that I want to feel free. But, the absolute truth is no matter which road I go, I'm going to struggle but I'd rather struggle with people I know. 

I'm not going to judge those guys and I guess things will play out how there suppose to. But, I wish I could get answers to every question that I've posed in blog post. It would make such a difference. 

Make Me Real

One of the biggest lessons I’ve had to learn in recent years is not everyone’s kindness is good for you. Not everybody wants for you the same things that you want or need for yourself. And, that can lead to problems. Right Now, I’m connecting with all sorts of people locally. Everything has been going relatively good, up until a certain point. The minute that I get to a break through with someone or I am about to have a meeting things just take a turn for the worst. 

For example, I have become much closer to a certain person or group of people. And, it kind of feels right and I’m getting good vibes on one side. I’ve even made a breakthrough in our relationship; we have a dialogue and we speak almost daily. This is at the annoyance of others. Now I have some understanding. I’m not proclaiming that everything I do is right but maybe I’m a little more understood. 

Anyway, now I am feeling some pressure to end things. Something that is telling me to pull back and away. Part of me wonders if I should take heed. Should I take heed because maybe there is something I am not seeing; maybe these guys are doing me dirty. Another part of me feels like maybe this is happening because I am building something with someone and its a local thing. Maybe my relationship is a threat to someone else. 

And, I can tell you guys I just cant afford another tragedy in my finances or in my dealings with other people. Constantly I say that we must live bold and right lives. That applies to me and even you when someone has done me or you wrong. Do you know that daily there is at least one person I want to just go off on because something stupid that they/he/she did to me but I can’t because time is and people are not on my side. If I screw up or you screw with being vengeful; the pre story is not going to be told but the damage will be televised far and wide. Everybody loves a beast especially one that can be caged or mounted on a wall. And, I want to prove people wrong; so I try my hardest to not speak of such things. Most things I do are out of self defensive. 

I’m just the black guy that other black people (family, old friend and foe) think less of. All my life, I had been the guy that everyone banded together over. Now I am the guy that gets exactly the opposite treatment. Although I have to say that something happened last week that made me feel like my mother and Aunt loved me. It was the most expensive gift they have given me in a long time. I’d told them about the incident that occurred between me and my old friend. So I was sure they were going to side with her whether I was right or wrong. But, they looked at the situation fairly and supported it. It took me back to when I really was their son and nephew. The situation is terrible but it felt really good to be not only loved but supported in the right way. 

Anyway, I hate that so much boils down to race. And, not just race but economy. I love people. And, it just so happens that I love white men and I have more white friends than any other race these days. To be honest that has more to do with acceptance than looking for a white angel, to guide and protect me. Although I can’t deny that I do need to be saved because I just can’t seem to save myself. I’m trying everything; I’m looking for work, I’m trying to move, I am trying to make friends (even while going through impossible obstacles that they might not understand), I’m trying to leave people alone even they keep fucking with me and just be a little be more normal by changing my attitude but it always comes back to being in other peoples boxes and traps. I’m missing out on opportunities that I need. 

Maybe I am being sensitive and dramatic but you can feel something is coming. You can see it in the arrogance and confidence of the people. I just feel like people are trying to close in on me. You can just see them pushing for how things have always been meanwhile when things go bad then they want something else. So I don’t know about anybody else or but I know that I need help. I need to get out of here. I need to change. I need someone to understand. I need tough love. I need positive reinforcement. I need security. I need somebody to fix me; help me to help myself. I dont care if its God, a white man or a purple one. I need you! And, the only thing I ask is for you to keep it real and respect me.

Boxes

It just keeps on pouring down with bad news and just setbacks. It’s discouraging not because it’s happened but because you worked so hard to stop this single thing from happening. And, with every failure of all sorts, someone is taking and taking names. Just so that one day and some how they can throw a wrench in more of plans. And, even if it’s not deliberate, your failures are opportunities for the next person. If it was just a matter of someone else getting a job I had or wanted, well God bless them. But, no….it’s not just a job or something like that, It’s my life. 

You know what is really discouraging is when the pulling down comes from people that you love, people that are like you or that have been continuously doing it for years. It’s just like that age old saying, “crabs in a barrel”. Everybody wants something or wants something for you. But, the minute you start doing something different and shit starts to get complicated or different for them then they are ready to pull you back down with them. Furthermore, when it comes from someone who dislikes you or wants to pull you down anyway. The act becomes more than subconscious psychological thing, an element of revenge, punishment and winning comes into play. And, I resent that! 

But, what’s really resentful is having people in your life, that try to force you to do things so that something or someone is out of their way. It’s no secret that these days, every body is always thinking about something and somebody. But, sometimes, there are times that I am alone and I am savoring the time alone. Time to really check in with myself and kind of get grounded. Time where no body is really around suggesting anything. We all need time to think instead of just doing. 

The truth is I know what I need to do. I know what I want for my life. But, my life is a lot like my struggle with dieting and weight. Most of the time, I don’t have the money, the resources, the will, the support and/even the health. My hands are tied behind my back and the desire is there but the circumstances are just not. And, I wish that I could just get things done without too much trouble but there is always another box. If I have to go to the store, if I have a dentist appointment, if I talk this person, if I dont respond to this message, if I have sex, if I love, if I say too much, if I dont say enough, if I eat this, if I wear this, if I lose weight, if I stop smoking………there always another box. 

For example, if I meet a boy that I like……thats always the time when I meet all kinds of other men. Men that are interested, kind and attractive. Well, I know what I want and I know what I want to do. But, here are all these other guys that seem like they are just ready to go. And, I am so ready to gooooooooooooooo. But, I always remember that this is how temptation and karma work. 

I’m just really tired of this life and it’s redundancies. I’m tried of being with people that don’t care. These days you hear more and more people say that they dont care or that’s something is stupid. And, maybe that’s the problem these days, there just aren’t enough people who care about things outside of yourself. I’ll tell you guys one thing, if you were on your knees and had to depend on the kindness of strangers on a street full of mean people. You’d care, you’d care about a lot of things. How do I know? Well its because this is the second time in my life that this has happened to me. The kindness of strangers is so rare. And, genuine kindness is even more rare. And, I’m so happy that I can say that there are at least two handfuls of people that really care about me. That love is keeping me alive! 

Christian. Crazy. Cool.

My first love was maybe the biggest lesson of my life. It taught me soo much. All my life I had love for people in my life but when your young you dont know exactly what love and friendship is. It’s one thing to have morals and do things because they are the right thing to do. But, it’s completely a different thing to have morals and understand all the feelings of those morals. Like you can love something but unless you have had to love while it hurts, until it hurts and love yourself enough then you will only know one side of love. It took me to fall in love with my first love to know what real love and friendship is. 

The two friends that I have had the longest are both girls. One older and christian. Then there was me, gay and crazy. Then the youngest, WILD and cool. We’ve been friends since we were 12 years old so at this point, its almost 16 years of friendship. Unfortunately, the last eight years of our relationship has been a struggle. We have each gone down our own paths, marriages, children, graduations, abuse, drugs and all manner of things. The wild and happy little girls that once came to me with everything or now women, wives and mothers who take care of everything and themselves. 

And, there are so many issues between us now. Sometimes I want to ask the older one did we become so distant because I was gay. Was when I got on drugs the breaking point? I needed you girl. I needed you badly. And, I miss you! That’s a hard question to ask but dealing with the younger one is always harder. The common thread that me and her share is that we were both crazy, wild and cool. And, that does not make for an easy life when you get older. Its great to be the sexually active teen, who smokes, drinks, does drugs and ditches school. But, by the time you get to be about 23 to 25, you will have been through some hard shit over the bad choices you’ve made. 

During the last eight years of our friendship, she became a mother so no matter what she was doing, she had to carry on and provide for her child. She was kind of built that way. As a matter of fact, I think we both were at one point in time. Growing I was kind of emotionally numb; I wasn't a cryer. I didn't let anything stop me and I was always up for adventure; near or far. I’d hop on a bus or whatever to go do what I wanted. But, I’d like to think that there is some cosmic reason for the emotional mess Ive become now. But, breaking down….helped break up a lot of relationships I had in the past. Lastly, its hard to have all of my old friends, who once considered me their equal and though of me highly, now act like my parent or warden. 

Recently we had a disagreement because I hurt her. Yes, I hurt her but it was on accident and no I didn’t physically hurt her. She writes me an email on the same day that I wrote They Say Vision which was the 16th of this month. In five messages it went all wrong. She says that she loved me and forgived me. Then I said sorry again, explained in detail what happened and told her how proud I am of her as a mother. And, she gets upset all over again and claims that I dont understand. So I tell her that I do understand now but I wanted her to understand that the incident that took place was over and done in maybe three minutes. She claimed that it was her business but I wasn't tell her business and since we havent been close over the last 8 years how could I tell her business. So emotions and things were running high, so I suggested we talk later. The truth is I dont like to argue with friends. Losing my first relationship taught me what love should do and what were doing wasn’t love. 

I know that if our conversation was to continue I would have said something really nasty. And, I have a few valid complaints. She ended the conversation with saying how real friends dont need breaks and that they talk through things. But, the truth is there was no talking to her like friends do. She hyped up and still upset! There was nothing I could do to make things better. And, I wanted to say that real friends honor relationships. Real friends dont become close with their friends parents that they tell all of your business, think they are your parent, never call to just ask if you can drop your kids off and more. That’s not what real friends do! Real friends put their relationship in front of a few things and keep some things sacred. Real friends are allies with you and not their mothers. They respect each others feelings and talk about things. I love her and I love her mother but she would go crazy on me if I did to her, what she has done to me. But, I can tell you what a real friend does, accepts, forgives and forgets. And, I accept who she is in my life because despite it all I still love the little girl inside of her. And, I love the children that she has given me. 

Idaho

There is no substitute for the truth. There is nothing like it; I love the truth. I like to tell the truth and I like to be told the truth, Why? Well, its quite simple…..the truth sets you free. And, I love being free or feeling free far more than anything else. These days I find that it annoys or upsets people these days. And, I think because people think keeping secrets is the only way to live. I’ve tried to keep secrets but its a heavy burden to bare especially when your alone and its hurting you. 

So tonight I will share a story with you guys that I have never really told. Okay…..so here it goes. For years before our first meeting in 2013, “Man” and I had been sharing messages. So I had recently come back in town from a trip to London (or it could have been before) and I said to myself, “Lets meet”. And, “Man” agreed.

It was February 3, 2013, Super Bowl Sunday. I just remember driving there and praying that my car wouldn’t over heat as I was having some major car troubles at the time. But, I made it there. Opera played loudly from and adjacent apartment. So I called him and tried his intercom but no answer. So I decided to wait and finally I get a reply from him, he was in the shower. 

He comes downstairs in a towel and guides me up to his tiny studio apartment. He gets dressed and we sit on the couch. We proceed to talk for hours; we talked about everything and nothing. He was really interested in my life and I was really interested in him. And, I liked that! Whats so special about “Man” is that man is a trans person. No he was not born a woman and he is not living his life as a woman anymore but he is trans. Its a long story! 

So we decide that we had, had enough chatter. He gets out the massage chair and we practice on each other. Then of course, you can guess what happened next. 

A few days later, I noticed that I was having some irritation down there. Now I had, had sex with two people in the course of two weeks. It was a really good month for me. The other partner was a steady partner, a sexy latino guy. So I was pretty sure it wasn’t him that I had to worry about. So I knew if it was something, that it had something to do with “Man”. So I mention it in passing to my “British Guy”. No evil words were exchanged because I didn’t even know if it was something to be worried about. 

So I mentioned it to “Man” and he is not happy about it. I’m not making a huge deal out of it because I’ve been burned before. And, on top of that I’ve got a few like bladder infections or whatever. So he is telling me how it’s not even possible for him to transmit things. And, so I am curious to know how thats even possible or anything like that. But, all it does is upset him and he just becomes really defensive. He felt like I was accusing him! So things have never been the same between us. 

So I went ahead and went to the doctor. My favorite place on Figueroa. And, I’m getting urine tests and blood work. So I let them know that there was the irritation and they examined the area. The doctor couldn't see anything wrong but I think I was given antibiotics just in case. So I went home and wait for a call. Even though I was hoping that I wouldn't get one. You know that if you get a call then something is wrong. So fortunately, I didn't get a call. 

I’ve been in touch with “Man” but there is no real way to recover from what happened between us. Were a lot better than we were. But, there is this wall between us that was bigger than the issue. So big that we could never really connect again which is painful for me because its rare that I meet people that are my kind of crazy. Someone whose been there some painful emotional things like me and can understand. Normally I avoid him and his area of Weho. The last time I was even nearby for more than 20 minutes was when I went to go visit a friend from Europe at the Ramada. But, then I saw Alexis Arquette, David Arquette’s trangendered sister and once popular actor, in the elevator of the hotel. Then I was taken back to him. Nowadays, I just want a friend but everyone I reach out to from the past….it just turns out ugly. 

There are so many secrets and issues between me and everyone I know in this town. But, its not just that, thats gumming up the works. Its the words that we never get to say to each other anymore. Its the words that are said behind our backs. The words that we can’t confirm and deny. The words that frame us and make the lies look true. And, I know that this has happened between me and a lot of people. There is no way that I can make that better especially with people who are not interested or out of my reach. 

The Proof Is In The Static

Just last night I was writing about how hopeful I was for life in the city. And, today was just proof that I'm never going to be able to make my own choices without interferences. Proof that if I want to make a change with my life, like to quit smoking...there is going to be a problem. 

There is no hope here for me. And, if there is hope, it exists in a man that I am going to have to bow down and tap dance for. My livelihood will depend on a man. And, that's even more depressing than being in captivity. 

And, having to tip toe around town and with old friends is depressing. It's just being in a bigger cage. Today a friend told me that he hopes that I, "evolve in to the person that I really am" so that I can have peace and harmony in my life. 

Peace is not just being at peace with yourself and with the world. Peace is also being at peace with other people. Other people with the means, can afford to live life without the peace and cooperation of others. Meanwhile the rest of us have to tip toe. And, the goal of people like us who have to tip toe is to open a dialogue. It is to find common ground and maybe an understanding. But, other people would like to keep their walls up. It's a game for most other people with a goal of beating the other. But, no one can really win if were not playing the same game. 

It is my hope and dream that people will come to see that these games and intrigues cost more than they imagine. It's your honor and your name. Yeah, your a bad ass but your also a tyrant. Someone who can't be reasoned with or can let go. 

There have been so many occasions that I got the boot and ax dropped on me before I could even get out the gate. Most people are worried about other people in my life but to this day, since I've been here....not one of my foreign but possibly some of my Americans have hurt anyone in my everyday life. Often times I worry about making new friends because I see what's happened with the old ones. And, I don't want to give my curse to other unsuspecting people. But, if I can't hang out with my old friends and I can't exactly make new ones....what can I do. I've got no choice but to have more foreign friends. 

It's upsetting and I can't think of any positives about today. I wish I had something positive to say. I've seen countless people mount up against a threat but not a handful of to try get jobs and things going on. I don't see mountains of people trying to do anything positive or the normal things that should be done for someone like me. 

What should I expect there are a bunch of people going at each other's necks and being tinkered with by the same source. It's madness and inhuman! The same social problems were seeing in the news, were seeing on micro levels within our community. Focus on security and not invests or education. Racism! Discrimination against social classes, foreign countries, transgendered and more. I'm sad! 

Now I'm saying hypothetically, if something bad did happen, based on me, would it be justified? Or is what's happening in my life, okay? Is this normal? Am I asking for too much and not doing enough? I feel like if I understood then maybe things could be different. Everyone says to me that your family is at risk. But, if they are at risk over me and not doing anything to change or give hope.....should I care? I feel like that's not my problem; I've done and said what I could. There is nothing I can do to change minds or make people like me. I'm just some tv show or vote in tv competition. I don't know what to say, do or think. I don't know people expect of me. Am I suppose to say, "screw me over, I hope nothing bad happens to you".

Occurrence

It strikes me as odd that now that the expectation is for me to get a job. But, the struggle and obstacles is real. It's like watching someone punch them self in the face.....repeatedly.

Keep Calm And Carry On...

Yesterday was a pretty good day and not because my new rollerblades arrived. If anything it was a good day because I realized that I might be wrong about a certain person or persons. Maybe their not all bad! Like I said in a previous blog post, “Were all capable of many things”. So as much as we have the capacity to do good we also have the same capacity to do bad. Do you guys agree?

After this happened, I’d come to this realization based on some information that was told to me long ago that I think might be true now. Atleast I could see that it might be true now. But, it still doesn’t explain one major thing that this group did. And, I can admit it, I’ve been a little awful! A bit of a monster. In my defense, I’ve been going crazy with all the plans that I had going on at the time plus the rumor mill was working overtime. So I wonder if what they did was in retaliation or because they were misguided or what the deal is! 

Part of me hopes and wishes that a spark of love for my homeland can be ignited again. Yet at the same time I know I have to stay realistic. Yes! realistic! Sometimes being too positive will lead to expectations and expectations can lead to hurt feelings. And, I cant afraid to have hurt feelings right now. The reality is things could go bad or make a sharp turn at any moment. The good times, fair times, my time, my turn or whatever you want to think to call them will be over and so will I. And, I could be right back where I started or worse. 

So we have to live and lead bold yet right lives….I’ve got to prove so many people wrong and show not them but myself better. 

So I am trying to remain thankful for the opportunities and small changes that come way. I want to get on with my life and I know that I might be able to just do that. But, I also know that the longer that I stay in the city, the more I will have to tip toe in my life. I’ll have to tip toe with my family about my friends and my lover(s). I’ll have to tip toe around old friends and associates. I’ll even have to tip toe when it comes to locations I go to around town. Thats not fun nor is it safe for me and other people. 

Its kind of overwhelming when I think about it. There is no expectations but my feelings are hurt. I’m not sure what I am going to do about that or even the whole friendship situation. I’m just hoping that this is the beginning of something good! But at the same time I’ve got admit I miss my anonymity. I miss having my one guy, a circle of good friends and just a few extras. Whatever the case, we will carry on. 

They Say Vision

Sometimes I feel like I am stuck in another world. The funny thing is the better that I learn to live in that alternative world…..the more that it changes and evolves into something else. What is comfortable and familiar becomes a distant memory. I could complain about it (and I’m going to) but the upside is that I am learning to live in a changing world. Living in a changing world is good but it does not promote growth or growing roots. 

Change can often equal confusion or uncertainty. And, I just feel very uncertain about the world right now. In my life, I can just feel it in all of my surroundings. There is this feeling of their being something underneath the surface everywhere. Everyone is trying to save their faces and their asses. Which also means that as much as I have fear in my own life, there are so many others who are afraid of things. 

Being afraid is no way to live. Constantly I have to talk myself down from fear. You have to objectify fear! I look at my fears and say to myself, “What is it that’s making me afraid, Why am I afraid of this thing, What is the worse thing that could happen and Is it any worse than whats been going on”. In the end, I realize that my fears have been manifested by gossip, taunting and my own fear of losing anything else that I love. I’m letting things that I don't know, people that I don't know and my instincts (that know something is fishy) make me afraid. Fear is hurting me more than anything. 

What a lot of people don't see is that we are doing this ourselves more than we are being manipulated by someone or something. For example, I know people who have heard rumors about what happened to another group of people and feared that they would suffer a similar fate. First off, the fear that you would suffer a similar fate says that you know that you aren't living your life so right or that you see those other people as poor innocent victims. So your going to hide, cover up and use all of your protective instincts. 

The thing is this how can you live your life based on someone else’s mistakes and/or drama. You can’t live your life that way. You can’t live your life by depending on the gossip wheel. No matter who your dealing with, there are two sides to every story and two truths. So you never know which half of the truth that you are getting. And, its so hard to see somethings for what they are because some of us don’t feel comfortable until we have information. And, even then some of us don't feel comfortable until we get information from someone we trust. 

Even I find myself frozen until I am absolutely sure about something. And, not to try and justify myself but there are a lot more bad people in the world then there is good. Which brings me to another example that I have. I’m not totally stupid, I know that people gossip about me. And, I think I know exactly where the words are coming from. Underneath all the drama and stuff I am just a normal and simple guy. But, I have seen more people….strangers and friends believe in the rumor mill long before they met me. 

You could take a photo of me but a photo only captures a moment….one instance in time. One side of you in time. And, just look everyone else, I have good moments and a few good sides plus the bad ones too. So if the photographer wants to capture a moment and then its interpreted as something bad to the viewer then it just looks bad. Like if you see a picture of me, kicking a guy then you can say, “Oh, he is violent and mean”. And, since these days people don’t ask questions and/or don't let their morals stop them from forming an angry mob, that is what people are branded. Look at what happened to Solange Knowles, no one knows why she fought Jay-Z but because of that video, she has been branded as this violent person when she could have been protecting her sisters honor or lets say hypothetically Jay-Z was being verbally abusive. 

What really pisses me off is having to second guess people that know me and have met me. For example, 2011 was a weird year…..everything that happened in 2011 to the beginning of 2012 helped make things the way that they are now. On Valentine’s Day 2012, I was lonely and bored at home. Maybe I was even depressed because the month before I lost the job that I thought was going to change my life. So I am online and I meet this beautiful men who happens to be just heaven sent. In my mind, bells and whistles are going off, “This is a gift from your heavenly father……just go with it”. So I did, we met, did the deed very well together and had one of the best after sex conversations Ive had in my life. 

For the rest of 2012 we stayed in pretty close contact. And, several people even old friends that I used to work with tried to step in and ruin that relationship but at the time I was happy with him. And, looking back I appreciate the gesture but what they didn't understand is that I had been in hell the past few years. What I didn’t understand was that they were trying to save me from him. But, Now I had moved, I was living in (what I thought was) this great place. For the first time in a long time, I was happy and happy to be living in a place where people of the same color as me, recognized me and were kind to me. If I was destined for a little trouble I didn't care because I didn't want to lose the happiness that I had for my life. I didn’t want to lose the peace that I had in my home. 

But, I couldn't keep the bad things. Me nor my friend had no idea what was coming. And, if my friend knew he did a good acting job. Soon little things started happening, things I noticed about my friend. If I could bet my bottom dollar, I could bet that this is when the rumor mill started entering his life. And, even when things started going wrong, I wasn’t really mad at him. I just didnt want to lose him and the happiness that we had. But, as time went by it got harder and harder to be with him. Part of me started to feel that I needed to defend myself from him. All these things were happening in my life. I’d been so entranced by our friendship and so in love with my British guy that I had been withdrawn from the world; I gained 30 pounds. I didn't really speak to too many people outside of them. 

By the time 2013 came around everything had kind of changed. Me and him weren't so close anymore and I had lost my British guy. Finally I just said fuck it! I want to talk to my friend…So one day I called him and we just had a great conversation. We talked about things that were happening in our lives. And, I think we understood each other more and more. But, the rumor mill really did in our relationship in. I don’t know if he came as a representative of my old life; a manifestation of hell and I don’t know how things could have gone so bad in his life; he lost his job. But, I know that he was as much as a help and a friend than he was anything else. 

Now I know that a lot of you could have think that I have gone too far but the truth is somethings have gone further than I ever could. I’m a respectful person even though there have been a lot of people that have tested that limit. It’s hard to respect people who wont respect you or give you anything to respect. But, my point is this, we can’t let fear get the best of our minds that we act out of character. We can’t live on the gossip/rumor mill for every single thing especially when it comes to strangers. When we do that, everyone who is different becomes bad. Your proclaimed enemy could be the guy to walk behind. We are getting the best of each other; we are being feed all negativity especially other people I know. And, it troubles me because how could so many other smart and intelligent people be evil and bad. How could everyone I know be bad. If they are, then they didn't start out that way when I met them. 

Occurrence: Disclaimer

If your reading my blog or checking out my tumblr......if you can't interpret something or don't understand it then you should probably leave it alone. 

Three Things

In all of my misery and all of my dispair there are three things that I have always said. 

1. Nothing bad or good can last forever. 
2. You can’t be the cause and the cure. 
3. I dont want to cause anyone any pain they have given me but I pray that they know and feel what they do. Just as I want to learn from pain, I think others should too. 

There are so many things that are technically not in my place or power to talk about. For many years, I was just paralyzed by fear. For so long I was shocked and disgusted by what I saw my life….my world becoming to. And, since there was nothing that I could do, I did something that I was never able to do. 

And, when it finally got to be so much and everyone that I knew personally and for many years, I just began to speak up and speak out. After years of working out and educating myself, I was just losing everything. And, finally I started blogging and confiding with close friends. Some of you might even think of me as crazy for doing it. But, I’ll tell you one thing, I m more afraid of people who keep their crazy in their heads versus out. Most people who keep their crazy in eventually explode. 

Anyway, now so much has happened. I can't count how many times i’ve cried and prayed. How many times I wished I could just snap my fingers and be anyway else in the world. And, it’s nothing but my faith, medication, my desire to do well and positive thinking that has helped me stay sane. Yeah, things are okay now, living where I live now, things are okay. And, I am grateful for the kind words and gestures from people these days. But, I’m just soooo fed up! 

I wish I could say that I was a normal person and that I would wake in the morning with nothing but the regular strains of life. But, when I look out my window I think about how much I hate the red paint on these buildings. I think about losing friends here and far. I think about laying in bed for days because the first man that I managed to love in years was leaving me. He didn't have to say it, I just knew. I think about all the times I was played and made a fool of by so many. Plus much more!  

And, I lay here and I think about all the things that I heard. Things about my weight, parts of my body, how I will never match to my brother, my impending doom, the yells to shut up, your crazy, your stupid and much more. And, no matter how far away that I go and how much I try to brush it off….its still there. And, I really don’t want to hate people because when you hate people you do hurt the other person. You only end up hurting yourself because the other person can’t feel your hate. Which is part of the reason I wish people understood what they do. 

In my mind, I imagine that things will work out fine. That I am dramatic partially because I am in the moment; I’m in the midst of the situation. When your going through some painful or uncomfortable ordeal, your not yourself. Your in fight or flight mode and if your nothing that your that your somewhere between tired and fed up. I’m going to be fine and I am going to be positive. Things will work out how they are suppose to but I just don’t feel like going through it here anyway. Im tired of being the person that has been molded from all the negativity. 

Life is beautiful! Today I went out to get lunch in between talking to two new guys, one that lives in the desert part of the state and another in a not so distant state. They are great! But, just like my “porn star”, I worry for them and about them. That’s my negativity showing up again but its also my experience talking. What to do?

Sharing Is Caring

Well I want to try and write something positive. So many times I've looked at my friends and saw them in need or saw something that could improve their lives. And, I've opened my mouth or wallet to make sure that atleast things are at the very least known to them. I can't help myself when I love anyone, I want the best for them. 

And sometimes that does not translate well. I don't think most of my friends have ever had a friend like me. If that's the truth, then it would be nice to hear it sometimes. Lol! But, I think that it's translated as me trying to be a parent or someone who smothers. However, that's not the case. 

After a lot of debate, I saw the error of my ways. So I try to give less advice and more support because that's what we all need these days. I think so many of us are scared of each or so cautious, that we miss out on the blessing sharing an experience. Now I'm not tooting my own horn but my friends are sharing the experience of me. That's something worth coming together over. 

Anyway, I just want to say that I have a lot of love for people. Even for some people I should want to hate. If anything I don't hate my old friends, I'm just extemely disappointment. It always hurts when you love or respect someone more than they care for you. 

Well that's it for tonight!! Maybe there will be something juicy later. 

Bum-Bum (Flatline)

It’s no secret that I have loved many men in the light and in the dark. It’s not because I am scared but because I couldn’t. It doesn’t matter if the guy is from this side of the tracks or on the other side of the ocean. There is a guy right now in America that I have tired to love since 2009. Over the years we've lost touch, we've forgotten each other, got hot and heavy over the phone, and talked like old friends. We would get so close and snap…..we flatlined.  

Life goes on…..everyday is another struggle, sickness and heartbreak. So I moved on….I’m making dates her, I’m getting turned down for jobs there and I’m fighting for just every single moment of quiet, sanity, friendship or anything else. And, I tried my hardest to save face for public, for my family and my best friend. Two years ago, if you asked them what was going on in my life; who I was sleeping with, where I was spending nights out or anything…..they didn’t know. 

 After a few years of this it could drive any boy crazy and it drove my American boy crazy. Last year after months me being hot and cold, he just completely left me and named me a siren. It’s actually one of the nicer names that I have been called. I’ve been called all kind of hoes, sluts, whores and even someone who has a commitment phobia. Even though some of the guys basically started to run away after they knew what they were in for. And, to tell you the truth its kind of true. Before, I met my last boyfriend, I was a hoe and was getting multiple times a month with guys that I had maybe known less than an hour. 

After meeting my first boyfriend I was forever changed….I am changed. I know what its like to be loved in a real way. I know what its like to love something more than I love myself. And, I can tell you that it’s the best thing that ever happened in my life even if the relationship was bad. And, I want to love that way again. I want to love someone but I just can’t. Before it was just not good to have this double life. And, now that all of my business is in the street and things have come to what they are, it’s just not fair to love someone. Its not fair to give an innocent person a love that could harm them. 

The reality is not once in ten years has a guy said to me, “Be my boyfriend” and actually meant it. So no one has ever had the chance to witness or experience my love and level of commitment. I’m highly committed to the people I love and treat me right. You could say awful things to me and tell me not to write you again but I’m going to be here for you. If you need me, I’m going to be here. When some loved you or has really done something for, you can’t let it die. Real love is patient, kind, it forgives and much more. I’ve got my limits with some people and I know when its over but I think I know when its real. Im here for you!

Now I’m trying to get my life together. I’m trying to be serious about my decisions. There are a few people I care about. But, I can’t bring myself to believe there is something serious is going to happen. My life is getting worse and worse. The people around me are so tyrannical, my family is so judgmental, I’m losing more and more friends, and there are no real opportunities. I’ve always wanted the fairy tale since I was a boy but I could never manage to make it happen for myself. Most boys want the porno instead of the fairy tale and the ones that do want the fairy tale are other Julia’s looking for their Richard Gere. At this point, I just want people to see me for who I am. They can love me, hate me or lie about me but I just want them to get to know me. That’s what I owe the American boy at least. And, if it gets serious with any other guy, I’ve got to give him a chance…..opportunity doesn't knock too often. Love might save me from facing the flatline alone. 

Side Effects

You know as much as I can debate and talk about the inconsistencies of other people, places and things....I don't often talk about the side effects of the restrictions and setbacks that come along with it. 

I know what things are for me and what they mean for me. But then there's what things really are and the reality of certain situations. Like for example, I want a job and I'm a good worker. I just want a simple job that's removed of my past and respects my present. But, after working on some job related stuff with friends I've come to realize some truths about myself. This is what I told a friend....

"I've just recognized that me getting a job and looking for one is like going back to school after years away. You don't have that energy and fight that everyone else has because they are used to the whole rat race. After like a couple days of work I feel like I've worked for weeks without a break. I'm just not used to having to do something everyday anymore. I haven't been able to keep a job for longer than a month since like December 2011. I can keep friends a little longer but just like those jobs, I say fuck it if it ain't right. I'm really gonna have to kick my ass to make things happen; I'm a little scared. Since I'm going to get my Masters degree, I need a part time gig that I can ease myself into. I'm a good worker and I'll work with anyone. I just can't deal with the work place drama and having people come down on; I've had some horrible bosses. I like cohesion, discretion and positivity". 

This is the truth about myself and I know that my people problems extend from something else that's gone wrong in my life and it's not just my mental illness. I love people! I would love to have a group of fabulous gay men that includes business professionals, models, nerds, medical professionals, regular joes and whoever else that's cool. The irony is I already know a lot of fabulous gay men. And, I've been accepted as I am!!! But, at the same time I have a lot of history and bad history with people. So it kind of sucks to be with the wrong people or not just the wrong people but to be with people you have to worry about. No one wants to have to feel like you have to second guess your friends. You could give me a friend but if I second guess you then I am going to second guess the friend. 

Now that I have all these people coming in and out of life, I'm happy to have the interest and to have people put the effort into me. I just feel so blessed! But, I just feel like I have to watch people and that's not cool. I don't want to come off as unreliable, sketchy or even scared. Those are not attractive qualities or features to have. It makes me look bad or like I am not able to receive what's coming my way. Like for example, I had a great talk with my "porno guy" last night. He flirted, "asked me to have his baby" but I turned it to a more serious direction. So I asked him basically if he was going to stick around for that "baby". All the time, guy love to put it in you but don't like to keep the job. And, I need real people in my life. 

But, all of this explains why I like travel and meeting new people from different places. There is no bias (usually) even if there is pretense. But, it's also all so new! And, we can live, work and play together. But, in the end it's all about freedom. And, the freedom to get away from my problems. The freedom to try to start my life over. The thing I've been saying for so long. I might have problems and issues but I know what I need. I just wish other people could recognize when your relationship is destroyed. And, my relationship is over and done with so many people but we all keep faking it. We all try to keep it going but we aren't getting anywhere here. 

I Hate Inglewood

I really fucking hate Inglewood and dislike the hell out of everybody in a 20 mile radius. Today my patience and kindness ran extremely thin. When I am not on my medication not only do I have to deal with the occasional fit of depression/anxiety but I also have to deal with anger. When your on medication your numb and when your off it.....your battling to contain your self at all times. 

You have to always be aware. And, it gets to a point where you get so anal because your looking for stressors. You avoid certain people and you avoid certain things because they might compromise you. And, it's not that your even going to look crazy or over react. But, it's the fact when you have a mental illness and you have a bad day then the general reaction is, "Well, he is crazy". And, your cut down and discredited. 

But, I'm lucky enough to hardly even get mad.....to be mean or to be cruel. So I'm sorry to be upset but in way do I regret being upset. Since I hardly ever am this way, I feel better now. There is not a real emotional way to get it out besides crying (which is something else to be frowned upon). So I feel good! 

I think I've got to come to some real realizations. I know more people that don't like me and really just people out on the table.....every one from my old job at Unger Fabrik, to my old address at 2257, various parts of Orange County, family, to my next door neighbors and all the surrounding ones hate me. Then the states of Georgia, Colorado, Washington and Washington D.C. Then there is Australia and maybe every Asian country you can imagine. 

And, if that's not enough, I've got a lot of people that I call friends that really don't care about me anymore. If there is any percent of the world that cares about they are just spots compared to the big blotches that could pull the trigger if they could. But, there's this fifty mile radius of people around my home of people that don't care about me.....you'd think that would be enough. But, it's not because not even one government (local or national) agency that thinks enough of me. 

Well, I know most of you are thinking I am having a "woe is me" moment but the truth is, it is the truth. Most people think love is in the obligations; I've done this or that. But, love is in the sacrifices not in just the small ones but in the big ones. I've made so many sacrifices for people, some that they didn't know about and some that they did. Love is in the details. Maybe it's foolish to think about love when your worth about as much as a job to most. 

I've heard it said next to me and around me that the sorrow is over when I give it up.....when sorrow gets what it wants. That's when the job is done. Even if I wanted to, have no power to give anybody something that I don't have. I can't even keep the friends I have or keep my family off my back. If I knew what to do without being stabbed in the back at every god damn instance I would have done it. But, the truth is there is nothing that I can do. 

There is a beautiful man on Scruff, I mean a men's fitness or DNA mag or at the very least porn star level sexy, that thinks on beautiful and wants to sleep with me. And, I can't really even be his friend because I know, in my heart that even if it's one night, it's going to hurt. It may not hurt that not but maybe the morning after. And, it won't just be me that he'll hurt. He will hurt my life or some extension of it. My heart just can't take it again, I can't take another experience of a man just running all over me. When what I need from him desperately, more than sex, is to treat me right and be fair in all aspects of my life/our relationship. It's something I don't get often. It's something that I have lost from the friends I had and it's most definitely something that I don't get at home. I would have been more willing to do it before last Friday. But, my friends and family have completely shown their ass each day more and more since then. My faith in the world has diminished a little more. I don't know how my idea to make more friends at home is going to work. I don't even know if I should give my porn star a chance. But, I guess time will tell, my back up plan is still an option. 

Occurrence

Well I feel like I am officially home. I’ve been home for twelve days and things that seemed to have disappeared, have reappeared. Feelings that I havent felt for maybe a month are back now. This feeling of oppression and being watched are here. Feeling like I can’t move or turn one direction or another. And, its totally depressing! Being in the situation, I kind of can’t help but feel that way. 

Yet on the other hand, I feel like the last few days are proof and testament to the things that I knew and had been saying for soooooo long. And, there is some relief in that but even still you can’t help but feel a little worse because nothing and no one is really going to do anything about it. 

No one ever thinks that their life will start a movement especially a movement against them. And, no one ever really starts out their life and wants to be a cause. But, I guess shit just happens. At least this is the way that I feel about it and myself. Even though I know I am so much more than all of this. 

Right Now, I am not exactly sure of what I am going to do next but I have some fabulous ideas. So I guess will just see how it all works out.