There Will Always Be Someone

Last night I laid in bed fighting tears. Thinking about where I've been and where I'm going. Listening to words being spat in the air.  Although I'm not really going anywhere in my life at the moment. In my imagination the judgement seems to be life in prison, the unending pursuit of anyone who cares about me, sickness, obesity and no way to pay any bills or any life. And, I thought about what life would be like if I was on the rode and out in the world. 

Here at home....if I get a job, make a local friend or even if I am around other family members. The truth is there is always going to be someone who says differently; maybe not immediately. Maybe just eventually or not at all. There are going to be someone who supports me or hates me. 

Even though I would say that there are more people that dislike me these days because they think I am not pro America. The truth is I don't care if your American, my family, my boss or an old friend, I'm pro fairness. You can give me a hard time, you can treat me like anybody else but don't stop my life because you are so important. If I say, your making me sick not better....please recognize it. If were friends and I say that your making me uncomfortable....recognize it. 

Everyone that's pro America seems to be pro ass hole. If something or someone is making me feel better, why get in the way of that? If I have good relationships with people near or far, why get in the way of that? These are just a few things that I wonder about. Treating me worse or coming at me like I have physically laid hands on you is not going to make anything better. This sounds awful but I wish people had conviction. When someone finds you out, you would think that if were friends or family then you would think that they would be concerned about how I feel. You would think that they would have an explanation for me because things aren't always what they appear to be. Maybe this person thought they were helping me. But, when I try to talk to you and you go on the attack. Then act like I am the one who did something to you then something is wrong. 

I'm preparing myself mentally to lose anything else that I care about. Not because I'm a defeatist but because I'm a realist. It's a real possibility that things could get worse. It's a real possibility that my life could get worse. When people are determined to cover their asses, pump their egos and see their plans work they will do anything to see that happen. As a crazy person, I don't doubt crazy people. Were desperate and determined people. 

Since it will be such a struggle to get back on my feet, I think maybe the world is doing me a favor by being trapped here in the house. In my heart, I still believe that one day, some how things will be amazing. Life will be better than I ever knew it could be. In the meantime, I don't know how to participate in my life. Especially when my life is not my own.