Afternoon Edition: The Power Divine

They say that everything you want exists outside of our comfortable zone. And, I believe that to be true. I know it to be true; if you want something then it is not going to be easy. In my life, I feel like I have been lied to and manipulated. I don’t know if my feelings were being spared or if their were even good intentions. But, I know that it is a self defeating attitude. It’s self defeating because you don’t know exactly what to expect as an adult. It can be likened to a parents lying to their child about what sex is. When a pregnancy or disease pops up then no one can really be surprised. 

Yesterday I caught the tail end of Master’s Class on the OWN Network. The subject was Cicely Tyson. It was pretty good, I just wish that I would have caught it from the beginning. Anyway, what was special about this viewing is something that she said. It reminded me of conversations that I had with my Mother when I was a little boy. There was a couple times in my life when I could just feel something was wrong or was brewing. The whole situation would bother me to no end. It wouldn’t leave me alone until I backed away from the situation. 

So when Cicely Tyson said in so many words that she makes decision by her intuition; by her gut I knew what she was talking about. Growing up in my home and with my mother being the church going woman that she is, religion made her response to my omission, that I have these feelings more divine. She told me, that I have the gift of “discernment”. And, in many ways, I believe her. 

Like today something inside of my heart, my mind and my whole body is saying “Something is wrong”. I feel like Ms. Clavel in Madeline, I’m waking up with feelings like this. And, in these trying times, I want to believe the best so that I can stay positive and hopefully. But, I am often disappointed. And, I don’t want my desire for change and more to be the diamonds in my eyes. I know that not everyone is my friend. If I haven’t learned that by now then I really am stupid. But, I smell a witch hunt! I smell gold digging. And, I smell lies. 

If this isn’t my gut then this my personal experience speaking volumes again. But, I can feel it and see it in the interactions of others. Everyone is getting so bold and brave; so aggressive. And, how I hate how they sweet talk. It’s like honey dripping from an ogre’s mouth; no matter how sweet the words are, it still looks ugly. And, I know it’s wrong to feel this way. It should be the words that I have been waiting for, for years. That right there shows me that some people still don’t get how bad the past was. Like now is bad but the years gone by were nothing compared now. 

And, I want to point fingers because I think I know what and who the source of this internal alarm but it’s pointless. By the time I could even point my finger, someone usually already knows the story. If anything, it makes me sad that things are not evolving. And, for many people that know my situation, it makes me sad that this racist joke I know appears a little more true. I can’t remember the joke word for word and I am not trying to make anyone laugh. The joke goes something like. “The way different races get revenge is totally different. Never hurt a white person or an asian, when you mess with one of them they like to wreck your life. They want you to have bad credit, take your kids away and things like that. But, when you miss with a black person or a mexican they just want to wreck your shit. They want to scratch your car up, rob you, fight you or things like that. But, never mess with middle eastern person, they don’t mind dying trying to get you”. It’s sad that no matter how sad and degrading that joke is, it’s true. I guess art does imitate life. 

In closing, I’m like most black consumers in the United States, I like to shop and accumulate things. That is an actual fact from an academic journal that I read some time ago. But, the sum of what I have and what I want, is not what defines me. I don’t things to be the thing that breaks up me and loved ones. And, I don’t want to have to make life defining decisions based on what I have or want. I guess I would rather stay in my comfort zone then live an unauthentic life full of stuff. If something or someone feels wrong to me, I have to say something or get away from it especially if I know that the intention is threatening the life of someone that I love. Hey do whatever you want to me or say whatever you want to me. In the bigger scheme of things, it looks foolish to hurt people, who actually love the one person or people that you should love. As I’ve said before. It’s self defeating! Even if everyone on a fifty mile radius and abroad hated me or believed lies about me, then what would you do with me. Where could I go and do anything. 

In the end, this is just how I feel, once again, I could be wrong. 

Putting Things In Perspective

I've recently slept more than 6 hours a night for consecutive nights in a row. By all accounts I should be excited about this. But, you miss out on things or can't exactly get as much things done as you used to when your snoring on the couch. On the upside I feel less tense. I don't feel like I am waiting for that one thing to snap and piss me off. No crazy dreams. Just sleep!  If anything, during my grounded hours of the day, I feel like I put some old things in perspective. 

Putting some things in perspective helps change things. I feel a little more motivated, conscious and decided. Decided is the new emotion. Indecision has always been there for me and I’m happy that that’s going down. And, what I think I'm most proud of is that I am not as hard on myself. Yes, other people can hurt us. But when we believe or know certain things about ourselves to be true, that bullies tell us. We can be hard on ourselves; our own bully. And, I've got enough to worry about.  

Yesterday I spent my first day home alone, for the first time in weeks; maybe even months. It’s good to be alone sometimes. Felt good to be free; I need that time as much as I need to be vital and active. I think I have figured out something that I want to try; to at least have some life experience or something to do. But, in the mean time, I'm going to just try and have faith that all is going to work out fine just like it is. At least I am going to try to be faithful just making my way through life. 

I’m not sure what’s next. Everything in life is kind of messed up now. Everything is kind of up in the air. I don’t know what is happening next. It’s nice to not have to worry about this kind of thing now. But, at the same time, I kind of worry because I usually always have a feel for this kind of thing. More than staying faithful, it might be a good idea to be grounded for a little while. Just that I can keep the present in perspective. 

Afternoon Edition: Acts Of Nature

You know that feeling of when something is starting to sink in. Like for example, you could know some set of information but you don’t feel it yet. Like “Oh yeah, this guy doesn’t love you but this guy does”, “Did this or that really happen”, “Oh, I am being worked over”, “Are things as bad as they really seem”. These are two particularly questions, that I have asked myself waaaaaay too many times. And, when that particularly pain comes back it’s just as bitter as when you realized it for the very first time. 

Lately I have been having new revelations of my life. I don’t have a life; I don’t go out and enjoy things. Like everything feels like so much work in my life, all the fucking tell. It’s like being in a Super Mario Bros video game…just to get in a bathroom to pis, shower and sometimes masturbate. Today I had a nice little outing; I went out and did two of what could be called pleasurable errands. And, I didn’t enjoy it I should have, I didn’t feels the sweetness of life in my tongue, in my eyes or my interactions. Now don’t get me confused, I am not talking about people being nice to me but I am talking about me not receiving it inside of me. 

And, I think to myself, Monday, will make ten years since you’ve been yourself. It’s ten years of not being a constant hard drug user, it’s going to be ten years since you had a boyfriend, went places with out fear or anxiety, ten years with depression, ten years since you would go out everyday, ten years since you have rode on public transportation freely and ten years since you’ve lived on your own. 

Ten years is a long time. Now, I am not trying to rag on myself. I like who I am! Who I am is pretty fucking great! I don’t know anybody to get fucked over as much as I do, put a cigarette in his mouth, give you the finger and say “let’s keep going”. I just keep on going, I just keep on ticking (in more ways than one….always have and will) and try to do the best for everyone else and to everyone else. That’s really all you can do, take it as it comes, keep your nose clean from trouble and know that your trying to do something good; good in whatever capacity that you can. 

I know that I am making progress. I know that I am not the same person I was at year one of these ten. I’m thankful to soooo many people for that. The last ten have been incredibly hard. And, I have that the next ten will most likely be even harder. And, I don’t know how I am going to make it or change anything. But, I know nothing lasts forever whether by chance, circumstance or decision, things will happen and change. Nothing bad or good can last forever; even knowing that, I know that I might not ever see it in my life time. Ten years is a long time to have people disagreeing about who you are, what your capable of, what you need and what you should have. 

The only answer I have to the questions is I feel less like the person I describe and more like everybody else when I am not here mentally or physically. All of which makes me wonder if part of what makes me ill exists here and more than just physically. Is my mind, ill because of LA (memories, people I know or come in contact with, my status, how I live and how I am treated. Sounds crazy but it’s true. It fucking sucks not to be able to enjoy, feel safe, be totally present and relax in my own environment. One again, I am not talking about how I am being treated but for who I am. 

And, even now that I have unveiled myself and said that I basically hate going outside. The voice of that kick ass, middle finger throwing guy is inside of my head saying, “Let’s Keep Going……You want this and more importantly, you need this”. So I keep going even through the revelations and bad reflections. Even through the bitch that honks her horn right as she gets nice to your car window….I just keep going. And, I know that one day it’s going to take an act of nature to stop me. 

Hey, What's Going On With Me

No one actively choose’s to be depressed and I can tell you that I have never been one to feel like I need someone. Being in my situation, I am finding that I am always needing someone, waiting for someone or made to feel like I need to bow to someone for them being older than me. And, for being placed with the honor of doing not a damn thing for me but doing everything to me. 

Recently I talked to my friend Dirk about depression and what it felt like for me. He has no idea what it is like. When your going through some type of mental illness like depression or anxiety it is like having an invisible set of chains. You are owned by it and dragged down by it. Soon you start living with it, settling with it and even covering for it. And, no one really understands the hold that these things have on you. They think that you can just get over it. 

For many years, I walked around inside this pressure filled bubble;. I would walk in a room and feel like all eyes were staring at me. It was the must disastrous thing ever! I don’t remember the exact day that it started but I wore it’s cover everyday. And, it’s something that you can’t exactly explain because it is on you at all times. It was so strong on me that I never really got a break to stop myself and say, “Hey, What’s Going On With Me?”.

What’s even worse is that you start to feel attacked for having depression. You’ve got this person and that person over there interpreting your isolation, your choice of friends and lifestyle. And, so many people take offense. So many people feel the urge to be an asshole. In the almost ten years that I have been depressed and going through anxiety, I can count on one hand, how many people have actually tried to address what’s going on with me and how do we go about this. 

Now getting help was the equally hard part. You can’t really rely on your friends especially all of my local friends. It got to a point with every one of my friends that it felt like they were trying to be my parent. And, I am not that kind of boy. I am not that kind of kid. My business is my own until I decide to tell you. But, that is not really the kicker. I hate that people who didn’t care about me in the first place, decide to use my friends and family against me; never telling them the full story. Get quiet as a church mouse when they come around; you could hear a fly throw up on cotton. Then when I go ahead and start to spell the beans to them then there is nothing they can do about and they are walking around looking stupid. And, their actions or tears in their eyes are basically saying, I can’t do anything for you. While I am up there in the shit like you and them just took me through and sorry or I can’t do anything for you is all you have to offer. I don’t feel like I am apart of this life. 

That’s when I knew I was beyond help. There is no way on this earth that I am going to be able to get all the people around here, that I am suppose to bow to actually like me and treat me fairly. Look at all the trouble that we go through because of names. I’ve actually got close to a guy locally; he seems nice, he doesn’t know anything about my past and I have no intention on telling him. But, his name! I know I sound like a paranoid crazy person but in all honesty I’m dealing with paranoid and crazy people. Folks that go to great lengths to annoy the crap out of me. 

And, depression and anxiety are very selfish diseases. They are diseases that constantly make you think about yourself. They are diseases that require you to constantly work on yourself. And, I don’t really have the time to devote to people that aren’t devoted to me or at the very least not positive. I’m negative enough for at least two or three people. Lastly, its hard to find positive friends. It’s hard to find people who are like minded. And, it’s hard to find friends that wont get involved, can resist it, still like me and still have a friendship with me. It’s hard! Sometimes I wish I could make all the bad people in my life disappear but I know that would only make more come. So I love with them just like I live with these diseases. Neither one helping the other. 

Afternoon Edition: Transparent

Ah, Love! What a twisted thing it is. It’s the bland and uninteresting days like today that you wish you could wrap up in your fantasies, good movies and a blanket. Some people might get the wrong idea that I am depressed or something about my love life. But, the truth is it doesn’t bother me as much. Once you give your love, it’s been taking from you and thrown on the ground enough times it gets harder to fall in love the next time. 

The fantasy is still there. There is still one the I want and desire more than most. But, I guess the older that you get, love starts to lose its urgency. And, you don’t want guys to think that you take him for granted. It’s not that your not serious or don’t mean the words that you say. It’s mostly that most guys are douchebags. Most guys just don’t know how to be cool or lead you on. 

Today I was honest with a crush of mines about the way I feel about love and him. It’s hard to watch some men digest another man’s feelings. They get quiet and seem like they are hanging on every word. It’s funny because men are usually more transparent until you get them on a matter of the heart. It’s that look that little boys get when they go to the principals office. Like their wondering oh god how far are you going to take this. And, for once, you’d like to see a man be a man and say something else only a man can say….no not suck my day. Say I’m your man.  

But, the game of life is and becomes so much more bigger. There is so much more important things to do. And, if not important things, things that you would have to do so that you could even enjoy your life. It feels selfish to love someone and invite them into your life….then to just give that guy your problems. Yet sometimes it is incredibly lonely to not have someone real in your life. I could accept a guy more easily if he was just more honest about who he was and what he wanted. 

Anyway, life goes on….This place keeps me busy. I’ve got an actual headache and it’s a fight to keep my head up. But, I’m not complaining today. I feel pretty good about life today. It doesn’t really matter to me that certain things are just waiting around to bother me. Maybe Im just too tired to care or just over. The truth there are so much more fun and important things to be done in the world. Like loving people with mental illnesses. There are so many people who are uneducated in practices. 

This is all I have today!

Because It's Real

I’ve been wrestling with the idea of writing this post. One side of me says no and the other side of me says yes. The funny thing is for several reasons I agree with both sides and your confused, you should do nothing. That’s my motto and I always stick to it. So I did some pros and cons in my head. Lets start with the cons, there is a possibility…well more than a possibility of pissing off some people. Secondly, there is more than possibility that I could get hurt. Even though technically I already have been in more than one way (and for something that I didn't even recognize until it was brought to my attention). Now for the pros, after the events of last week we another friend, I think it would be better to say my piece (which is good and bad at some parts) versus just leaving it for someone else to fill in the blanks then whoever will be mad me and whoever else. Secondly, if we've come this far then the cat is already out of the bag. It’s safe to say that people know. It’s been one of the worse kept secrets around. Now there is proof and this just might help or hurt the situation. So now that we have got the disclaimer out of the way. I hope to get this over with so I can get back to my homework and this is no longer reason why I have to take a break every time ten to fifteen minutes. 

Now let’s start at around 2010 or so. It might have been around then because I think that was the year I tired to join the army and got in a car accident leaving the recruiting place. Anyway, First there was L.B., we liked each other but I just thought he was some goofy kid. He looked younger than me but as time went by we got to know each other. Then we started having this little miscommunications and became bitchy queens towards each other. The miscommunications stemmed from age, ego and distance; he is a foreigner or just not American. Then at end of 2011/beginning of 2012, for some strange reason we started to get close.

In Feb of 2012, I met A.M., he was in town on business. I thought he was a gift from my father….father God. He was sooooo cool. So I made my first mistake, I hooked up with a guy after just a few messages. The bottom-line is I was horny and he had what I needed. So I went ahead and just had sex with him. I thought there was a possibility of their being something more and that possibility never really showed it’s self. So I stuck it out with LB. 

Now there were all kinds of warnings. But, I was happy for the first in a long time. First there was Matt, a guy from the same country as L.B. but after awhile he disappeared. Then I had my childhood best friend warning me about A.M. but I didn’t take the message from him because I was happy for the first time in a long time. Then I couldn’t figure out why a friend that I have here that has ties to L.B’s country, couldn’t exactly get along with the notion of L.B. being in my life. Then there is an older gentleman that I am still friends with that was giving me advice but I didn't receive that either. 

The truth is I was loyal to A.M. and L.B. because they were my drug dealers; not literally. After moving from my old address where I started off with them. I’d put on a considerable amount of weight. I’d stopped dating other men and closed some friendships because I was serious with L.B. And, I had all I needed in L.B., someone to counsel me and love me. And, with A.M. I had someone to be a little bad with me and share things with. I saw the bad things, I knew what each one of them was doing but I let it go. For as long as I have been living this second part of my life, I had always been left out and been the guy who could never be apart of the in crowd. I was always a rebel or the guy who couldn't be cool as far as the locals were concerned. So I figured maybe it has to hurt to stay loyal and keep their secrets. Since everyone is so much chummy with each other, the local and the foreigners, I thought maybe this is karma saying sorry for the last few years at your old place. So I held on to them for dear life and when the asian magic box finally broke open, I spent so long blaming everyone associated with that box for what happened. When the truth is they were kind of doing the kindest thing that they have ever done for me. Although I have to say that if things would have stayed the way they were, it could have all fell away and I could have gotten back to my normal life instead of this death that I am living. No one could have understood why I was so made and determined to keep them. They were the first bit of normal that I had, had for years even if it was a farce. The dream was better than reality. 

For so long, I have defended A.M. and L.B even when it hurt. And, boy have those two hurt me bad. But, coming to my senses, I began to see that they had been hurt and even lied to. And, I saw it in their eyes and words that they began to see me for who I am. And, then I could look beyond the hurt. That moves me beyond all of what they could have done. I guess that’s a personal goal of mines, to be seen for who I am versus who I am not. And, even though I am not sure of what I saw yesterday because of course it could be or mean anything. But, then there is that chance that it is what it is. If thats the case then I am hurt, hurt because I hurt other people over them and hurt because it’s real. But, so many other things from them and that can't be forgotten or underestimated. 

Afternoon Edition: World Of Confusion

It’s one of those days…there is so much confusion in the air that it’s totally beyond me to speculate on right now. I just need time to process and relax. As the saying goes, “If it’s not better, then it’s not the end”. But, one thing is for sure, there are some snakes on this plane and things are getting serious. Might be time to do some reevaluation and inventory of my life. Just to be on the safe side.

There is way to many ups and downs for me. Being here makes me absolutely insane. I’d hope that I could just adjust; It would just be easy. The funny thing about life is we fight so hard and work so hard because we have the ideal and this dream but after awhile you start to forget what it was. It’s like I have a mission statement, I know there is a better word for that but its like somewhere I forgot about me. Like I forgot what I want out of all of this. I wish I was gone so I could mellow out and be alright. 

I’m getting my ass handed to me everyday and the only (for sure) gain that I am seeing out of all this trouble is some weight. Maybe the negative or down side to things but it is a reality. There are more positive things of course but I am talking about something tangible that I belong to or have. Something that belongs to my life! In my mind, this subject is a horrible thing to talk about but I guess I am thinking about my life. 

My mind is like a year or two into the future. And, I just don’t see anything. I just see myself right here and in the same place. If anything is scary, I just dont seem to have a plan at the moment. Normally I always have a plan or some kind of idea but I am just fresh out. I believe that some how or some way that I’ll be fine. Maybe I am just having one of those days where, I just need to renew my faith; I’m doing a lot on my own. 

Whatever the case, I wish all of us a good week. 

What You Don't See

I’m not really the kind of person that gets focus on one side of a story. I’m really more so that way these days because I understand the fabric of life a little better. I’d first come to understand this because of the movie Crash. Every decision we make in life affects someone else; were like bumper cars crashing into each other and crash over again some place else. And, in these days the affect seems to be stronger than it ever was. The only difference between the past and the present is that we can see these crashes. 

What seems to bother me these days is that even though we can see these crashes there are factors that can affect the view. For example, your driving down the road and a car in a parallel lane swerves in front of you, causing you to rear end it. If you didn't see the accident happen then all your going to think is well the driver who hit the car is at fault. So we know time is a factor. Now lets say your the driver who rear ended the person, your car is a fast roaring sports car and their car is a small quiet hybrid. Its safe to assume that you were most likely speeding and tailgating. Then let’s say your a minority. Now some people will assume you were speeding or something like race not only because of your car but because your race. 

Believe it or not, it’s human to make this kind of error because we all naturally compose character profiles on profiles of people and things. And, I fear that happens a lot in online relationship, long distance relationships or in relationships where interaction is low. It’s hard to have good vision in these relationship. Further more, if someone wants to look for the bad in you, they will find something. If someone wants to look for the good in you, they will find it. But, my challenge to other people especially the people who are looking for something bad in me….dont just look at me or my friends, look at the big picture. 

When things are going bad like they are now. Where are all those friends that turned on me or try to play me because they always disappear right when shit is about to hit the fan. This is the time that they should actually be looking. Then there are the people that come out of no where when shit is hitting the fan. The people that have no clue about who you actually are but have highlights from people who don’t like you, have hurt you but have never even met you. Lastly, how can you have a good view as to how things really are if you come looking and every one knows your looking. Most people know how to straighten up!

And, what really pisses me off is how everyone seems to know what you should be doing with your life and money. As if, I haven’t already tired or been trying. You should be paying your debt and doing this that or the other, true but in a a lot of cases, I need consistent income to pay for certain things and the money that I do have is all tied up. Every month my money goes to other places, people, I hardly leave the house and if I want to do something fun. I don’t really care!

It is this confidence in vision and my lack of visibility in society that makes everyone so sure that I am this problem. There aren’t many people in this world who can actually look at a big picture and not be bias. There are many people in the world who can dislike someone and still treat them kind and fairly especially if they have the power to screw you over. And, its hard to risk letting some people because as I’ve said if your looking for something bad, you’ll find it. The who’s, the what’s and the why’s will not matter to you. You found what your looking for. You can’t trust to many people. 

The solution seems simple. Go out in the city, do things and meet people. I could do that! But, there is no guarantee on certain things; meeting the right people, safety and doing things that won’t cause me trouble down the line. In reality thats the gamble that we all take anytime we leave our house. But, the difference is that there are more people that would rather I end up right where I am or maybe worse. Lastly, if I can’t meet people from a far then there is nothing that says meeting them locally will happen or be even better. And, I just don’t need my heart broken or to end up in more of a mess than I am in. I’m physically and mentally hurt already at this moment. I don’t think I carry to much more weight. 

I’m not really being negative as much as I am honest. I know what I would like to do and all the things that would make me really happy. I know how much I wish I could love this city like I used to. But, there is only one thing I really want from this city and thats a job. A real, fair and good paying job. Getting a guy or a friend is almost a waste of time. At this point, Id rather be getting paid versus laid. A job might last me a lot longer than a guy in this city. 

How To Get Away With Murder

If anybody asks for me tell them I will be right. Sometimes my mind checks out. And, to most other people it’s a sign that I am crazy or something like that. For the longest time, I thought it was because I was crazy but I realize that a wandering mind is something a lot of us have sometimes. I think it’s usually caused by certain kinds of pressures and stress. And, I dont really feel stressed as much as I feel surrounding. 

The funny thing is when my mind is on vacation, that’s when I have my best think and ideas about things outside of the moment. And, I have been thinking about so many things; my mind has been going a mile a minute…it’s so bad that I can hardly sleep at night sometimes. So I am pretty sure that lots of you have been wondering about what I am thinking about or why I am acting so weird. 

Well, the first thing is I feel bad about my family. Like I could cry because I felt close to my Mom for the first time in a long time. It’s like we talk but never have dialogue. And, it was nice to have some dialogue with my Mom. But, know it’s like I don’t recognize my family again. They have become pod people are the very least another set of bill of collectors. The irony is I want to go away because they are acting like this now before I even thought about going anywhere. 

Then I started to think about my issue on a macro scale, how after one email and text message, a dark seed could be planted. Excuse because I am about to get cryptic but if you know me, it will make sense. Soooo…..Lets say that you have an apartment and you get along with everyone in your building except one person who lives in this one apartment. He is apart of a gang and you know that if you hurt or upset the boy, he gang could hurt you. So you stay away from the boy, maybe fuck with him over undercover. And, if he hurts you back, its self defense but if the gang messes with you. 

Now if the gang decides to assemble and do their gang activity, no you can really hit him where it hurts. You can call in the big guns or the police. Detectives will be detecting. You can rally people together. You can say that you feel endangered or anything. You’ve been taking notes and names. It is Christmas time for you, you can have any one of them picked off or removed. You can do whatever you want, have whatever you want and there is not many people who can stop you. And, since this is a gang, you can get these people for things that exist outside of the gang. Now you can become the nuisance and get this person and anyone with them. And, if someone tries to hurt you, you can kill them and it is self defense. But, more than self defense, its all in the name of safety and justice. Yet no one really did anything to you. 

So maybe thats not a good example for the message I am trying to relay. But, I think the message speaks for it’s self….even though there is another angle I could work that message on; the people worried about a kidnapping, sex or abortion. Like sex is such a horrible thing especially for certain people worth certain kinds of bodies. They need all the touching they can get. Somebody needs to love it! 

But, anyway, I’m just tired of dumb shit. That’s kind of another reason why my mind is on vacation. No matter how long time goes by, I am just cant believe how mean people could get so far. My best friend and I talk about how all the time nice guys finish last. And, sometimes it just feels like the world has fallen on its head. Like I am just dumbstruck because I just sometimes can’t believe my life. For all the things that have happen to me or just happened, I never really planned them. And, to be honest, I just don’t feel like putting myself through it or anybody else. Yet at the same time, I feel like going on simply because I need to feel alive….I’m not living here. And, the love of family is great but it will never be enough. 

Afternoon Edition: Running Out Of Road

The past few weeks and months may be as close to peace time that's been seen. With a sudden change; new attitudes and people ready to go to new heights are emerging. It's like those people who only go to church on special occasions; they are pulling their Sunday's best. Like the football team that's getting ready to play their rival, the vibrato or hype of ego's booms so loud it vibrates walls. And, I ask myself should I be offended. Should I even care or even be concerned. Should I be worried?

At this point my brain is such a cloud. And, things are starting to become engaging....I just can't even think let alone care. All I'm thinking to myself is, God give me the strength to not lose my mind and not to lose my mind on someone else. Beyond that, I'm praying for the one thing I always think about. That one thing is everybody else. I hope that cooler heads prevail. I hope that we grow up. In the end, there is always going to be someone who disagrees, no matter if you kill this person or just hurt them. There will always be someone who knows the truth or atleast the version that they have. And, no one is truly going to come out of it without going further in the shit. 

Anyway, now it's back to me. This is where it gets ugly. And, this is something I know from experience. Now the pressure is on me and I have to make good decisions. Not just good decisions for the short terms but long term decisions. I've got to remember that whatever I do that affects someone else, could, would and will come back to me. And, I just can be involved in anything to reckless now. I feel reality or my mortal right here and now. This is it! There is no more road to go down. 

An Acolyte or Rejector

One of the biggest problems in the globalized world that we have is that everything is becoming a little more professional. And, so many of us are unequipped and uneducated in business ethics and the social graces in one place or another. But, whats even more alarming is that, its this way with the guy next door and the guy across the town. Technology makes it so easy for us to connect but I feel like the manners of yesteryear are not there yet. And, the tolerance and understanding is not there. You feel disrespect…..your ready to kill. But, did you hear what I was saying….did you get the message. 

And if its one thing that I learned from every single one of my friends; near and far. It’s that no one is really going to make it easy for you. If you want totally easy then you might as well stay at home. You might as well get comfy at home or where you are. Anything worth having should be worth fighting for. And, I also learned that your not going to get something for nothing. And, thats the hard truth! In this world everybody wants something and its a totally new thing for me to see people getting spoiled for their attention and loyalty. 

In this life you have to know what your standing for and what your trying to accomplish. In my life, it’s not about I need to get this bitch back or this asshole deserves what’s coming. What it is about, is trying to understand just, “What exactly is going on, what happened to my life, when does it end, how can I be out of the way of your way, just how can I live like a person with real flaws (without you standing over my shoulders) or how can I get you out of my life?”. At this point, these are questions that no one can really give an intelligent answer to. 

And, I’d really prefer the truth….My life cant stand on anyone else’s lies and miscalculations. At this point there is no real exit plan as everyone I know is stuck in or involved in the shit. And, as much as I know I am not the only one that feels this way. I cant depend on a multitude of people (not just one or two) who can’t see the importance of standing together, being family, being peaceful (with each other and other people even if they aren't with you), not stabbing each other in the back, not willing to sacrifice, that its not all about you, we need to know about each other to help each other and I can’t deal with people who are hiding certain things. 

It shouldn't be this way. It shouldn’t be such a risk to open up to someone even about something. And, I cant stand the idea of turning my back on someone because that a common attitude among people I know or that are around me. I miss the old days when it was easy or I miss how life was just two years ago. I was of course miserable then but thats when things were a bit more natural. By natural I mean that, there was just less worry about the next guy. I miss running and not feeling uncomfortable, miss feeling like I wasn't blocked off from the world, I miss being able to meet people and I miss not having so much attention all the time. 

Every time I meet a new local guy, I find myself studying him. I find myself looking for where exactly he is going to drop the bomb. In the old days, I would meet men who became good friends. As being someone’s boyfriend was really not an option, I could go over a guys house, smoke pot, get a healthy meal, maybe some sex, watch tv, talk about life, spend the nigh or go home. Guys used to do amazing things.This is not to say that it was a sunshine and roses. As good as some guys can be, men especially gay men be gossip mean girls. So my trust level is moderate but with the way I am not…I’m just not interested in people who can’t just be cool.  Someone whose in the position that I am in, I should be holding on to everyone and thing I can. 

We all need someone when we have bad days, do something foolish or are in trouble. Today in school I had to write about Steve Jobs and whether we are an acolyte or a rejector. An acolyte is some one who is cut throat in business and a rejector is someone who cares about people. And, my response was, “There is an old saying that says you have to crack a few eggs to make an omelet……I want to be the kind of person who knows when to crack an egg and when to hatch one”. And, I want to do everything with love and truth. People out here need an education, to be heard and to be loved before anything else happens or is done but its such a risk. It’s crazy out here. 

Afternoon Edition: The Source, Ground Zero

It's days like today that you start to feel the love. It wraps it's self all around you. And, love really is the true energy of life. And, when you do things with love it makes a difference. You can work in love and live in love. It's possible! 

I sat outside and smoked my cigarette and was thinking while the music played. And, I kind of went into a trance. I started to feel my mortality; I started to feel my dark thoughts and worries coming back to me. 

I'm still thinking about the subject that's been on my mind for some time now. It's wearing heavy on me because for me these people are like my family. They might not see me like family but so much of what I've grown to be; the good parts.....it's them. And, it feels like they have died in some horrible accident. 

Recently I had a friend come to me because he had to deal with the loss of someone he cared about. And, the advice that I gave him was in some many words, "Those people are dead and your alive. You can't live with the dead. They won't hold you back. As a matter of fact they can't hold you back. Your alive, you have to keep on living". And, it's hard to take my own advice. This isn't just some one that I knew in passing or hooked up with. When I had nights like I did last night, they would call me and say things like, "I want you stay with me", "I know you can't get here but do what you can. Go back to school. Go get mental health assistance". I don't know when or where I gave but they stepped in when non of the people around me could. My mom was sick in bed everyday and soon my Aunt was the same way. 

What impressed me about them and what really impresses me about people who are like this but I don't know too many people who are so bold to say things like me or just bold enough to say things. No one talks! Even back then everything was such a secret. It's something that still happens but everything has to be such since everyone always has to put their hand in the honey pot. You can't take a shit with company. 

Anyway, it was imparted to me that visibility is the issue and that is why a true connection can't be made. These are well manner and intelligent people. Their lifestyle really stands on keeping a good face. So when I had haters telling me that I didn't belong there with those people because I am not good enough; I'm not pretty enough, skinny enough and I don't have the right clothes. And, in so many ways I could believe that but that doesn't sound like my friends. My friends are the type of people where everyone may think it but they are classy enough to never say such things. 

So I know what I wrote would have really had them shaking their heads. But, I am me.....and I had to say what I feel especially since I couldn't talk to them. There are so many times that I wish I could have talked to them and tell them that, "Hey, you've got it wrong". And, I try to when I can. But, that's the one not to many people can stand, they don't want someone else telling them how to live their lives. And, that's where the big break down exists, I can't tell them anything and they live a lifestyle that is so set. But, it's not an obnoxious thing, it's just them trying to preserve their lives. It seems the only way they could do that was by pushing me back. The burden of having me was so heavy. 

Looking back over this, we don't sound so much like good friends. But, it's just a different kind of relationship. I just hate that something so petty could be the straw that breaks the camels back. I know they would do anything to preserve their lives. But, I've got to do anything I can to preserve the life that I've got left. In the end, we all have a choice and some of us choose another route. That doesn't make either of us bad but it come cause friction between us if we never consider the other person. 

If atomic bombs were to strike down in Los Angeles and Paris.....me and them would mostly like perish. We live in the epicenters. The source, ground zero. The issue is so strong with us. 

Do Good And Disappear

These days info is out there. If you want to find out about people and their pasts, you can get almost anything easily. Most of the time, I assume people know things or else why would they be so interested. And, even what what most people dont know, when they get a scent of some juicy…..they stay to get all of the juice. And, I could be wrong and I could be right. There is always a chance that I am wrong, just like there is always a chance that people are wrong about my passions and my motivations. 

From the outside looking in, it’s easy to look at me talking to this person or doing this or that, and say, “He is up to something?”. But, the truth is that at some point in the past or present, something happened or that person did something. Which now makes it impossible for me to go on with my life. And, this person usually decides to be an asshole because I am allegedly up to something. And, the whole thing about it is I am no one to worry about. Lastly, why does it have to be that I’m doing something wrong, is it not possible for me to do something good? It’s more possible for me than the people around me. 

Even if I wanted to explain myself to people before I made any move or have done anything with my life. Usually it seems that I can’t even get along with most of those people before they do something awful. And, no one really talks about those people, there might be some symbolism but its not necessarily directed at unsaid person(s) name. And, if you really know me or knew me, I am pretty direct, you can ask me about anything and there is an 80% chance that I will tell you whats going on with me.

I cant tell you how many times that I have gone ahead and tried make others in the past understand. How many times, I knew that I was with someone who was on the opposite side of the fence. Whether it be in someone in a more public setting, abroad or someone who I allowed into my bed. And, here I have this opportunity to introduce myself. To say this is me, this is whats going on and this is what happen to me. And, I’ll tell stories about my family, past or current circumstances. But, I know that some people get particularly curious about my life in regards to certain people but that person(s) is none of their business. Anyway, You’d think that knowing the truth; getting confirmation and seeing for yourself would be enough. But, all they see is their goal which is miles away from me. And once or twice, they met that goal.

Beyond that its like most people have this strong concept of place; having this perfect relationship at home. And, me being in the place of someone at my age who lives under normal circumstances. And, in my life. I haven’t lived in normal circumstances since I was 12 years old. And, the last six have total fucked me up. And, I need help! Once I got some great help and support from someone and he walked out of my life and I knew why. It broke my heart! But, when I was trying to join the peace corps I read a story about a lady who volunteered and felt that a long term presence in someone else’s life or country is wrong. You can do more harm or be a nuisance to how things work. The idea should always be that you do good and disappear. You empower a person or persons to do good for themselves and to take care of themselves. I’d like to think thats what happened. I’m sorry that I let him down! But, my point is the help is here but its not working because we can’t come together and say okay how we are going to exist. We  aren't on the same page around here and even though most of us are the same color; some are prudish while others are just too much. We don’t live and let live because we have become so powerful that we are always looking ahead and searching behind. There is nothing normal about occupations and witch hunts. I cant be in my place; it doesn’t exist. I cant really even make friends with people of certain (All asian) races and more without a bunch of drama.

If someone else told you about me during that process they might imply about how they were hurt or victimized or something like that. But just like there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. I’m not perfect and neither is anybody else. There is my happy, helpful, upbeat and positive side. Then there is my depressed and fed up side. I’m not someone to viciously hurt someone. Two most terrible things that I have done recently are, I withheld an Ikea catalogue from my Aunt because I wanted to look at it and last night I stomped on the floor because my neighbors can be so loud. That is something I did on my own accord; that is my fault. It has nothing to do with Europe; I’m fucking crazy at the end of the day. And, if you push me too far I will break and not just break down, I will break on you. That is a promise! And, I am trying to be a better person. But, that wont stop people from continually pushing you especially if you don't push back. I’m sure that most will want to punish me to fullest extent of the law; snow will fall and I will most like be put in my “place”. But, its the price you pay and further more it kind of goes back to one of my recent blogs, Daniel Lives In Theory, the whole theory and practical part. 

It’s bad…..it’s like I said, “It’s layers upon layers of bad coming together”. Today me and Mom were talking about the guy who got his head cut off by the Iraqi people. I saw the video; its insane. My mom says that God must be coming back soon. And, it’s not that I believed what she  said but I was totally stunned. Simply because the last time she said that to me. I dont think things were nearly as bad in the world as they are no. I don’t know if God is coming back and atheist and self help types would say that we need to help ourselves. But, I really do think we need a hero. Not just to save people but to say the minds of people. I’m not saying brainwashing or something crazy but just to show people the world in a new light. With the way I feel about my life right now, I know its crazy that I could believe this but “Change the way you see things, change your life”. Do you agree?

Afternoon Edition vol. 2

I've said it once today on Facebook, "I'll never understand how people can get mad at you for things that they did to you". I don't really mind speaking the truth about something that's already beating me up on another level. 

And, it's not fair for some to talk all kinds of junk about you. And, then to not even be able to talk about it to save your relationship or to even clear your name. From the bottom of my heart I feel like that's the big issue, having a relationship. How is it that you can be friends for years and only see this side of someone. 

Then how stupid do you have to be, to think that something that wrecks someone else is going to be forgotten about. For the rest of my life or atleast for a good long while people are going to be asking me about this. And, this brings me back to my life. People are not going let me take steps in my life because of madness like this.

I can't depend on other people to always be there or to come in and step in for me. And, truth be told, I don't want certain people speaking for me. If you don't like me then you shouldn't have anything to do with me. And, I don't care if your sorry because sorry is not going to let all the people who've come across me and heard this make my life better. 

And, I don't back track or retract. I don't delete posts. I apologize if I hurt your feelings are hurt. But, right now, my life is hurting. My life is just a little bit worst because of something you've done. And, it should be that your never in a position again to do this to some one. If you would do it to me, same black kid that nobody really gives a fuck about......I'd hate to see what you would do someone who matters in this world. Some one who is important. Someone who has someone who has people depending on them. It's just not fair!

Daniel Lives In Theory

Yesterday went by so fast and it really was a weird day. In a way I guess you could say it was a day of awakenings. Sometimes you think that your doing okay. You think that your just getting by. And, then you really realize that you’ve havent really got anything done. Like a hamster on a wheel; you keep running but you don’t get anywhere. And, I cried about it….yes, I cry from time to time. Simply because I know that if I could just open one day that maybe I could gain enough momentum to open another door or at the very least crash through it. 

I know that most people will say that, “He is so young” and yadda yadda. And, in some ways that is true even though I am on the wrong end of my twenties. Normally, I would have some really angry statement in response to that. But, the sad truth is that we all have to start somewhere. And, I wanted to think of a very cool way of expressing how I feel, what it’s like and what it means. 

Here is what I came up with.

When I was in high school, two of my best female friends and I heard about the R.O.P (Regional Occupation Program). The program lets you train for different careers for free. There were several careers we could choose from but each of us was passionate about hair. And, so we signed up together. We thought it would be easy, that we would have our hands on hair all day and we would be creating amazing hair styles. But, in the hair education industry you have your practical education which is when you have your hands on hair. Then you have your theory education which is the time you send in the classroom. Needless to say, we didn't want to leave school and have to go to another school but we loved it. 

Hopefully you see where I am going with this. Daniel lives in theory! And, there is nothing wrong with having book knowledge but if you can’t apply your knowledge in the practical world and meet your physiological needs plus the requirements of the world/society then your wasting your time. To be honest, I feel that way about getting my Master’s degree at the moment but that’s another story. 

Furthermore, it’s like Madonna says (even though I am sure she got it from someone else), “You can only learn so much in one place, the more time that I wait, the more time that I waste”. And, this is where the tears come in because where do I start? And, if I can’t get in where I fit in then that means that I will have to start all over. Which might be fine if I was some where, where I wanted to be in my life. 

In closing, they say it’s not the end until its worked out for the good. Well, this is going a lot longer than I thought. If there is such a thing as karma then the rest of my life is going to be the best of my life. So I’ve just got to hold on in the mean time and make better decisions. But, with all the things that I go through over money and more, I realize that its not only hurt me but it hurts other things that could be. 

Have a good day everyone. 

Whistle While You Work

Maybe its a matter of perspective or even gender. But, when it comes to things like rape, it is a thin line between having sex and rape. Growing up you see films where the woman becomes absolutely insane and the man grabs her, kisses her, she resists and then melts in his arm. If you’ve been raised anywhere in the world, this might be one your ideals of love. One partner or the woman, always falls in the arms of the man. 

Now this is where the concept of rape gets fuzzy and where someone can say that they were raped. So if someone says no but you continue and that person doesn't resist. This person even starts to enjoy the sex that you've had then just because they said no then essentially you’ve raped this person. This is the way that rape is kind of defined these days. Rape is no longer physical abuse, using drugs, tearing clothes, fighting, crying and screaming. Rape is just the word no. 

Some of you might hate me for what I am writing or for the references that I am making but I am okay with that. Here is an example of just how crazy that is to me. Have you ever had a friend, partner or kid that was ticklish. You keep tickling them and they say no. That person is laughing and enjoying themselves. But, if they person looks mad, becomes combative or like they are going to cry…..then you stop, right? 

So back track a few years ago. I’d been seeing this guy from a distance. He came to my town and we met for the first time at a public place. Then I decide to leave after a while, we went back to my car and we made out. I’m not ashamed to admit and say, “I’m just slutty”. This guy has a beautiful body! This almost tanned olive smooth skin, big chest and this dick that really plumps when you cook it. So am about to make a meal out of him in my car but he says no. And, when he said no, I knew that he meant it. So I stopped, we talked for a little and I said my goodbyes then saw him the next day for lunch. 

So fast forward a few years a head. Now I have come to his place. I wanted this man for years; wanted to date him and be serious. But, he never seemed to have got the picture. So were at his house alone, we had a couple drinks but were not drunk. And, I am feeling sexy and seductive; I’ve got on my sexy underwear. Were on the couch laughing and Im in the zone. Then I go in for the kill. 

Now here is where things get a little fuzzy. I’m not sure what I did exactly, if I gave him a massage or what. I don’t remember exactly how it started but I remember that I didn’t ravage him. I didn’t hold him down, there was no fighting, kicking or screaming. There was no abuse! What there was though is questions on if I could precede and what I got from him “I dont care” or “I dont mind”. Not exactly the words I was looking for. But we did our thing, well I did my thing to him mostly and if I wasn't doing it right or could do it better…he guided me to where I needed to go. 

So we meet again in a few months, this time he is in my town. We laugh and talk all day. I think it was really the best day that I have ever had with him. For most of the day, it was just me and him. We enjoyed dinner with his best friend, his best friends boyfriend and two other guests who were related to the boyfriend. At the end of the night, I had drank so much that he invited me to stay the night with him. The he asked if he could stay the night inside of me. Finally some passion! This time he did all the work and what good work he did. 

Fast forward some months, I’ve gone to his house again and come back home. Now I am hearing through the grapevine that he says that I raped him the night that I was at his house. And, I can’t believe this. This doesn’t sound like him. And, its hard to believe that I raped someone who was so compliant and helpful in the bedroom. So after feeling the shame of it all for a while. Finally I asked him about it and he never responds to the message. But, I still keep hearing about this rape business. Now I have had sex a bunch more times afterwards, sex fueled by alcohol and I have not got one complaint.

The case and point of this is…Be careful what you call rape. I’ve got nothing against this guy. I love him because I know he is a good person and he has been very good to me. I’ve apologized to him if he felt that I was rough with him or something because that was not the goal. I wanted to make him feel good. And, when he fucked me, I am sure he had the same goal in mind. But, if we want to go in to a technical case of rape, then the way he fucked me, I should just call that rape because he was aggressive and beat it up. So I think were even if rape is the case. I enjoyed my rape and he enjoyed his. 

Excuse me for having such a graphic post. But, I just wanted to set the record straight. I wish I knew what it was about me that had grown people be so ugly and in some cases unprofessional. When it comes to me, I have seen other grown people treat other grown people terribly. Sometimes I feel like how could you be so childish to treat this other adult so badly simply because of a connection to me. Its like were the bloods and crips gangs except will fight someone who is on the same side as us. Its childish! And, its dangerous. 

The Afternoon Edition

I’d be lying if I said I was happy right now. It’s nothing really external that set me off and believe me, I had a few reasons. Maybe its the nothingness getting me down. I know that I haven't given my best these last few days. I’m not necessarily wore down as much as I am just not in the mood for all of this. Believe it or not people, some days you can wake up and be absolutely tired of yourself. Tired of the same things, the same feelings and talking of the same things. 

The irony of it all is that now I have anxiety because I am going out. So many scenarios run through my head; will the next crash be this day, remember to stay calm, parking, is there gas in the car, what if you get hungry or start to feel sick. And, what’s even worse is that since I am coming to new places and places that always have revolving people, I wonder what will they think of me. Will I be welcomed! Will I receive the cold shoulder. And, I am not afraid but it is the weight of all these things to be considered….things that must be considered. 

It makes me want to live this city even more because these are things that I worry about here. And, in some instances its not my mental health that is cause so much of the issue but its the putting myself into situations where my health or progress in my life could be compromised. And, when all this worry, doubt, and self consciousness arises I found that I haven’t really lived that day. 

Instead of living out the day or living out loud, I find that I have waded through the shallow depths of the day and held on for dear life when waves of the day crash against me. It would be nice to know that I am not alone in this feeling. That everyone feels the way I do at one point or another but I highly doubt that. Most people would say take a day off or something like that. But, I don’t think that will really solve this problem. All I think I will do is wait for some inspiration. Something to make me feel better. 

One thing is for sure, I’ve got to get out of my head because it can sometimes do as much damage as it does good. 

Please Like Me

There is a quote or post that I came across yesterday that is simple yet brilliant. It is should be the rule that is globally recognized maybe even a law in some cases. It might sound crazy to you but if you've walked in my shoes, you'd want it in place too. 

The post went something along the lines of "When you don't like someone, everything they do will be disgusting to you". And, when I read that it was like a light bulb went off in my head. Like is such an important thing. 

If you don't like something, you won't give it your best. For example, if you don't like your children, you don't like your job, if you don't like your lover.....your not going to give your best. 

And, having a like for something has always been important to me. I've always been careful of investing my time in things I don't like because I'm not going to give my best. And, now I feel in my life, that I want to get away from certain people not because I don't like them but because they don't like me. And, I need to have people around me who are giving me their best. Not their best surveillance or something like that. Tell me where I am going to get a job so maybe I can pay my bills, tell me good things, and etc. 

And, I think I have really over looked being liked in the love department. I've made excuses for guys in some instances. Yet I realize that the reality is some men can't really like me or be close  to me. And, you start to feel like a job for some men. Something to be clocked on and clocked out of. Something to be paid for. Something to take a vacation from. And, it starts to sink in and you role with it because what better option do you have. 

I want to be loved as well as liked. I want what I give to come back. I want to feel like I'm making progress with someone. I want to build a connection and communication. I want to build a family of my own. I want so many things yet I don't want to lose the spice and variety of life. I want us to bask in it together and seperately.....yet always coming home. 

But, enough about me....the important thing to remember is. Like! If they don't like you, how can they ever love you. 

Worth A Thousand Words

A picture or an image is worth a thousand words. And, in this day in age, we have to be careful of the images we put out and display. Furthermore, we have to be honest about what were about. And, I want to write about that a little bit. 

First, I want to say.....I know a lot of people. Some people who really like and love me. I wish that my family and those around me could actually see the upside of that. That there must be something about me, that all these people would cling to me. And, it's not just my struggle that bought them forth. 

The truth is I love them all back in my own way. And, I still love them even when they are compromised. I've got a friend who has someone in his life that could be classified as an enemy (atleast to me) and they post pictures all over Facebook. Now keep in mind, I don't think about this boy and I like him but it's the reason that he is friends with my friend that I don't like. Anyway, so they post pictures on Facebook all the time. And, I know my friend, I've known him for years and I have studied him. In most pictures he takes with this guy, the happiness is not there. He is not shining like the man, I fell in love with all those many years ago. 

It's for reasons like this that I stand where I stand. And, I know people from outside scream that I am bad or I am out of control. And, they are half right, yes, I am bad and out of control WITH bad and power happy people. But, when you give this image off, it presents this image that I am like Godzilla or one the boys from Grease and I am terrorizing where ever I go, when in fact, it's nothing like that. Atleast, it doesn't start out like that. I'm not going in to stores and being awful to people. I'm not being an asshole to other drivers on the road. I'm stealing from my family or anything crazy. 

However, things like that have happened to me but I digress. What I am about is not seeing strong and good people becoming depend on an organization that does nothing but produce powerful, spoiled, dependent, oppressed martyrs. So many days, I go past people or see people that I was once great friends with and they just don't look the the same. It's not fair! And, for the people, that are happy with where they are, that don't see a problem and all that.....hey, maybe this sickness loves you. I'm not hating on that but don't bring that shit in my life. The truth is it's been screwing me for a long time. It's screwing me now, it's screwing my Mom financially, it's screwing my brother and most likely my Aunt too. And, I don't want to hear no shit about it will work out later because in the end.....some body else is going to have to get screwed for it to work out. And, I would be the devil that it's going to be me. And, everybody is going to be looking around all stupid and sorry while my ass is going through the ringer. 

Anyway, back to this behavior thing, no one is born bad, just like no one is born racist. These are taught behaviors and the teachers being people in our lives and life experience. I've said this a million times in my old blog and now in my current blog, the life you see now among me and my family only partially existed. Things were much worse than they are now. Even though I can honestly that in many ways, this place is starting to get close to that. Insiders might only get this but that theft in the night shit is an old trick that would happen just because. There was no Europeans or anything; I was dating local and mostly black. 

Where I was before was no joke. Dudes on the street, in front of my Mother tried to fight my brother. In front of my mother cursed at me and talked bad about me. For no reason, I was alone, I was not the person I am now. There was no one to help or console me. There was no one to make me understand. My family was there but they were all busy with their own problems yet they had people there for them. But, me, I got it the worse....everything from the way I dress to the boys I dated were criticized and brought down all the time. My health was failing and there was no education or instruction...then just boom...fat. Maybe those people have changed, maybe those people were hurt and maybe I am wrong for not giving a damn about them being hurt one time while I suffered for four years and even more now. 

It's reasons like this why I am who I am. And, the absurdity to think it's justifiable to hurt me or bring me down because regardless of how I was treated, this people were this or that. It just makes you feel like your nothing. And, to see my "peace-able" friends rally behind this makes me feel like....okay where are the puppet strings. Like all of you guys are kidding me right. Then so many people have the nerve to be so high and mighty yet think this is a joke. I've got a friend in New York tell me, "that they were this way because most likely they are in the same position; they don't want to die". And, who has time for frienemies, I've got so many of them and the problem is when they help you with one thing, in the meantime, they have absorbed your current situation/dealings and can cut you down. 

And, I look at people and think you can't just look at me. Just a boy, who didn't graduate high school, did tons of drugs, turned his life around and think "now he is some evil mastermind". But, your so smart that you can even see that maybe there is a reason that he is so protective and defensive. If you could only imagine the things I've seen, the times I've been used and betrayed.....not by just some guy I was dating. But, by people who were in control. I've never met one person that's in control of something and was not dirty. I take that back....the only people I have met that aren't that way, are people that I am friends with now. I don't want to change the world, I don't want to hurt anybody as much as I want to stop the people I love from being hurt. I just want all of us to exist with tags and interests in each other. 

Dark Ambition

It's funny to sit back and watch people just do too much. Like too much unecessary stuff; like it's really going to make things any better for anybody else but themselves. As far as I can see it, it's all very temporary. 

What's scary though the darkness that you see in other people. I know this might sound like a crazy or over the top comparison but I imagine that suicide bombers are very much the same way. There is the dark determination mixed with this steady focus. This belief that this  sacrifice being made of themselves is going to make some big difference. This is the same darkness and ambition that I've seen in my brother these last few weeks. 

Like I totally support people who have drive and ambition but what ever is going on with my brother makes me want to perform an exorcism on him. Ambition should never be at the expense of loved ones. Okay, so your busy that's cool but when it physically hurts other people that's when I'm like, "Oh Hell No!".

This is the same darkness that I've seen in my friend the Big Dee. Last night I had a FaceTime conversation with him about all of this. He says it's not true and that it's me. And, truly I did change on him twice; there was the me that he first met, then I started going crazy on him and there is who I am now. Right Now, I feel better about my life and other people...I'm a bit more loving and patient. And, I'm able to better tolerate a relationship with him. 

At one point I loved him, secretly, I thought this guy is what I need. And, I gave him up and treated him badly for reasons that he might not ever understand. There is this life that I had in the past, that totally wrecked my future. And, if we would have met in a different space and time, maybe so many things would have turned out differently. But, now he has turned into this other person and it's like he doesn't even understand what position he puts me in. He puts me at home; in what should be a normal place. But, there is nothing normal about my life. So we constantly have this friction and tension with each other. But, some how we discovered that we both suffer with this feeling. It's like I am thinking about him, I'm having these warm feelings with tears in my eyes and he literally just texts me. Now I feel like "Oh fuck!" and neither of us deserves that from each other. Inside we are both good people, I know that. 

I don't like sitting back and watching him with the darkness over him. It's like, he was a normal guy until he met me. And, I feel guilty for knowing him and so many other people. It's a burden that I don't think anyone will understand. And, I worry that me and him, like many other once good friends of mines will not survive. I feel the same way about my brother. I'm looking at my home and the shit that went down yesterday has started a many of fights in my house. And, it's just history repeating it's self. They move him in thinking it will be a good idea, he starts working on my nerves, then on theirs, the fights start and my brother moves. And, when they fight my brother starts cussing and they get loud. It's nothing like when I have a disagreement with them. These are so insane days. We need some long term solutions. We need to make some changes are we will always be right here like this. 

Talks With My Best Friend

Today I have a conversation with my best friend. Were both going through tough changes. 

He said: 

Indeed, i seem to make more pitfalls than opertunities for myself in life. :/

Then I said:

I know how that is. I often do the same thing. It's like when I do find good things, I try to commit. But, unfortunately good things often turn bad. Then when you have my medical/mental problems, most people don't understand. When you can't see the issue or feel the issue. It's basically invisible to you. I'm trying to start my life over. But, when other people aren't on the same page or don't support that then it's hard. And, when people bullshit you about supporting you it's really hard because you set your life up to do this one thing and then it doesn't happen. Then you look like an idiot and your basically back to the drawing board. It's tough, I could go get my license now. But, who is going to support me when it comes to buying books, food, and transportation. Plus, even if I do it, there is no guarantee that I'll get a job.

-------------------

Right Now, I'm lost if my current ideas and education don't get my life going. But, what's even worse, is that by sheer chance and a conversation, I've discovered that my fate is tied to a few other men's fate. 

I guess the saying is true.....We are stronger while we are united. When we separate, that's when everything else will step in to divide us. All of which really makes me wonder about what's going on around me. It makes me remember just how important everything is. It makes me remember that so much of my life is not about me especially with every new friend I make. 

As much I want to move on and make a pretty picture of my life. I've got to remember where I am. The way that things swarmed over me yesterday; I'm worried! And, I'm worried not only about my future, my happiness but I'm worried about people near far and across the sound. History will repeat it's self. 

Movies And Stars

Hmmm, I should have started writing maybe two hours ago because it always takes me about an hour to write these things. My mind is a little like a scrabbled eggs right now. So many things are on my heart and my mind. And, today is a horrible day because one of my idols died today, The great actress Lauren Bacall. I’ve never met this one before but I have a unique connection to her. Lastly, its an awful day because today my last relationship ended nine years ago today. 

You know how when your a kid, you and your best mates always choose your favorite characters and pretend to be them. When I was a little boy, it was the X-Men or Power Rangers. When I became a young gay lady, then it became female rappers and classic women like Lauren Bacall. In my teenage dreams, me and best gay buds were the leading ladies of How To Marry A Millionaire. For some people, it was just a movie but for poor gay kids like me; it was a guidebook. 

Oh, I can’t tell you how much I wanted to live in a great apartment with my best buds, model, date affluent men and just refined. Betty Grable and Marilyn Monroe were icons and I loved them. But, Lauren Bacall, those eyes and that voice. She was dark, with dry humor, strong, sarcastic yet could be vulnerable.  I would have drank her bath water if I could have just had that presence within myself. 

Believe it or not, I think I was more like her before I had my break down. Its amazing who we are when were unconscious. I just lived my life, never really caring about how I looked or seemed. If anything I was just my environment. I’d never made the conscious choice to be my own person. I guess I just naturally equated my surroundings with who I was or what was available to me. Never giving anything else that was outside of my bubble a chance to belong to me. 

So I fell in love with a boy and found out that I am less like Lauren Bacall and more like Courtney Love and Tina Turner. At the very least I am Emma Watson in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Love is hard and loving a man is even harder when you’ve never loved a man before. Even harder that is when you never ever been loved by a man. Always said that I was fine without having a Dad but it was obvious then and its obvious now. I need my Dad or even just the guy I think of as Dad. 

The beauty of destruction and being torn down is you discover your like one Russian dolls. All those huge layers of ego, false self confidence, attitude, faces, disguises and more are gone. Your just naked and your left to work with what you have left. And, that work only makes you have to work on yourself. And, it’s hard to be there with your weaknesses and faults.You can’t cheat yourself. 

For the most part, I have done my work or at least all the work that I can do here. Beyond my health (weight and pains), I am not really unsatisfied with myself. Growing up in the church, it’s seems that we always blame the bad things on the devil. Something gets an attitude with….”Oh, that’s just the devil trying to take my joy”. And, I wish I could say that everything thats happening to me is the devil. I wish I could fix it, break it down or just make it end. 

But, like a a good friend once told me, “You can’t fight a hurricane”. If anything my issue is worse than a hurricane. It’s just layer on top of layer of confusion. It’s like the nano bites from the G.I. Joe movies, consuming and healing it’s self. Therefore, there is no weak link or link that will stay weak long enough. There is no communication except with it’s self. And, the only way I ever see it ending is from the top and maybe just not top but tops. Everything on the bottom, just moves right along. 

It would all be so easy if I didn’t have some concept of who I am. I am thankful to Lauren Bacall for giving me something to live up to and desire. If it weren't for her example and many other strong women like my mother, I wouldn’t be who I am.  And, as much as I hate the fact that I wasn’t smart enough to learn my lessons without the fall, I guess some things happened the way that they were suppose to. I feel authentic and life can only get better. The moral of this story is don’t stop dreaming and having visions for your life. They will get you through hard times, they will teach you important lessons as time go by. It might happen and it might not happen yet. But, whatever happens will groom you to be whatever you want and need to be for the dream to come true. Even though I am taking detours now, my goal haven't changed and my heart is in the same place it was yesterday. Thank You, Lauren.