You know that feeling of when something is starting to sink in. Like for example, you could know some set of information but you don’t feel it yet. Like “Oh yeah, this guy doesn’t love you but this guy does”, “Did this or that really happen”, “Oh, I am being worked over”, “Are things as bad as they really seem”. These are two particularly questions, that I have asked myself waaaaaay too many times. And, when that particularly pain comes back it’s just as bitter as when you realized it for the very first time.
Lately I have been having new revelations of my life. I don’t have a life; I don’t go out and enjoy things. Like everything feels like so much work in my life, all the fucking tell. It’s like being in a Super Mario Bros video game…just to get in a bathroom to pis, shower and sometimes masturbate. Today I had a nice little outing; I went out and did two of what could be called pleasurable errands. And, I didn’t enjoy it I should have, I didn’t feels the sweetness of life in my tongue, in my eyes or my interactions. Now don’t get me confused, I am not talking about people being nice to me but I am talking about me not receiving it inside of me.
And, I think to myself, Monday, will make ten years since you’ve been yourself. It’s ten years of not being a constant hard drug user, it’s going to be ten years since you had a boyfriend, went places with out fear or anxiety, ten years with depression, ten years since you would go out everyday, ten years since you have rode on public transportation freely and ten years since you’ve lived on your own.
Ten years is a long time. Now, I am not trying to rag on myself. I like who I am! Who I am is pretty fucking great! I don’t know anybody to get fucked over as much as I do, put a cigarette in his mouth, give you the finger and say “let’s keep going”. I just keep on going, I just keep on ticking (in more ways than one….always have and will) and try to do the best for everyone else and to everyone else. That’s really all you can do, take it as it comes, keep your nose clean from trouble and know that your trying to do something good; good in whatever capacity that you can.
I know that I am making progress. I know that I am not the same person I was at year one of these ten. I’m thankful to soooo many people for that. The last ten have been incredibly hard. And, I have that the next ten will most likely be even harder. And, I don’t know how I am going to make it or change anything. But, I know nothing lasts forever whether by chance, circumstance or decision, things will happen and change. Nothing bad or good can last forever; even knowing that, I know that I might not ever see it in my life time. Ten years is a long time to have people disagreeing about who you are, what your capable of, what you need and what you should have.
The only answer I have to the questions is I feel less like the person I describe and more like everybody else when I am not here mentally or physically. All of which makes me wonder if part of what makes me ill exists here and more than just physically. Is my mind, ill because of LA (memories, people I know or come in contact with, my status, how I live and how I am treated. Sounds crazy but it’s true. It fucking sucks not to be able to enjoy, feel safe, be totally present and relax in my own environment. One again, I am not talking about how I am being treated but for who I am.
And, even now that I have unveiled myself and said that I basically hate going outside. The voice of that kick ass, middle finger throwing guy is inside of my head saying, “Let’s Keep Going……You want this and more importantly, you need this”. So I keep going even through the revelations and bad reflections. Even through the bitch that honks her horn right as she gets nice to your car window….I just keep going. And, I know that one day it’s going to take an act of nature to stop me.
No comments:
Post a Comment