Normal Boy

I’m feeling so tired for some reason, like I took a sleeping pill or something. Maybe this is my bodies way of telling me that I need a break. The last two days have been immensely hard and cold. Everyday I have to give all of myself. I know people who go to work, go to school and hang out in the pub all in one day. I just don’t have the energy for that, If I wish the dishes then I am going to need to sit down for a while and that shouldn’t be. 

I’ve heard it said to me, recently and in the past, I want you to be a normal boy. And, I thought that’s what I wanted. But, now I have learned that, that is a problem. I’m not a normal boy. There is no way that I can be a normal boy. Even now that I have conquered a lot of my internal problems. It’s not over, it is a fight everyday to stay sane and present in my environment. Everyone is always wondering what the problem is, unfortunately my white European friends get all of the blame. The ones who actually like me and treat me like an equal person. If anything thats whats going to get me closer to being a normal boy. 

The idea of everyone wanting so much more from you but they consistently take away things. Thats going to get me anywhere close to normal or closer to you. Let’s examine normal boys. Normal boys my age usually don’t have to worry about their weight, they don’t have to worry about their property being damaged or stolen in their home, they don’t have to worry about every opportunity being a trap, they dont have to worry about if they or their friends are being stalked, their muscles don’t lock/cramp like mines, normal boys don’t don’t have damaged nerves from all the drugs taken, normal boys are encouraged to follow their dreams where ever they might lead, normal boys get support from their families at all times and so much more. 

In my life, these are things that I have to deal with everyday. I’d like to go and do normal things but its seems that the more certain cures are pushed on me….the worse my body gets. My health is failing. My heart beats crazy, its hard to breathe, I’m tired all the time, my sleep is It’s getting worse and worse; either way that I approach my health it’s bad. And, I tell people and nothing has really changed…maybe stopped at times but not changed. There is only so much I can do to take care of myself, there is just not enough money. 

Exercise can only do so much. And, I’m running out of places to run in peace. Its getting to be that there are more places where I feel uncomfortable and not welcome versus welcome. At some point, the scene gets a little too familiar and turns into some place that feels like home. And, if I wanted to exercise at home, I would just stay home. All of which brings me back to another point about normal boys, normal boys are allowed space and other opinions with interference. 

I know that I have a tendency to generalize. I know that I have a tendency to write in code which means that my blog is often open to interpretation. But, if you know me then you know what I am saying. To make it plain, I know that I can’t generalize and say that all people are bad. And, sometimes it might seem like I am saying that they but I am not. That just a way to not point fingers because most people will point you in the wrong direction. Anyway, I know that not everyone here is bad. What I can say about home is that, I don’t feel like their is anybody on my side. I don't think that the things that I want to do with my life, here, are so unreasonable. Secondly, I’ve seen a lot of people move from here. Since I went on vacation in May, it appears that three to five families have moved out. I wish I could go with them or I should say that I wish I was doing the same. 

The other day I was helping my Mom bring groceries upstairs and the girl who moved out was collecting the last of her things. My Mom said something to her because my Mom talks to everybody. The girl said, “I just couldn’t take it anymore”. Then she went on to say that someone had broke in the apartment during the night and started throwing eggs all over the wall. 

I look at my old friends that have come against me; past and recent. And, sometimes I wish that they were here. I wish that they weren't so into the game as much as they were on the front lines. Its gone from them being here; whether it be in person, online or over the phone and saying this is wrong. Now its gone to everything about me and my friends are wrong. And, evidence to that affect. If there was real evidence then there wouldn't be so many traps. All of which brings me back to that whole normal boy thing…yeah! I wish could all just get along. But, I know that trust will never be there on both sides of the fence. I’ve got people on both sides of my life begging for action…this side wants to fight and is doing everything to provoke one. And, I have people waiting on peace; waiting on a change, waiting to see what happens. This boy just wants to go and I have no where to. But, I’m so tired of this…Normal is impossible! Just look at me and you know something is wrong.