Do Good And Disappear

These days info is out there. If you want to find out about people and their pasts, you can get almost anything easily. Most of the time, I assume people know things or else why would they be so interested. And, even what what most people dont know, when they get a scent of some juicy…..they stay to get all of the juice. And, I could be wrong and I could be right. There is always a chance that I am wrong, just like there is always a chance that people are wrong about my passions and my motivations. 

From the outside looking in, it’s easy to look at me talking to this person or doing this or that, and say, “He is up to something?”. But, the truth is that at some point in the past or present, something happened or that person did something. Which now makes it impossible for me to go on with my life. And, this person usually decides to be an asshole because I am allegedly up to something. And, the whole thing about it is I am no one to worry about. Lastly, why does it have to be that I’m doing something wrong, is it not possible for me to do something good? It’s more possible for me than the people around me. 

Even if I wanted to explain myself to people before I made any move or have done anything with my life. Usually it seems that I can’t even get along with most of those people before they do something awful. And, no one really talks about those people, there might be some symbolism but its not necessarily directed at unsaid person(s) name. And, if you really know me or knew me, I am pretty direct, you can ask me about anything and there is an 80% chance that I will tell you whats going on with me.

I cant tell you how many times that I have gone ahead and tried make others in the past understand. How many times, I knew that I was with someone who was on the opposite side of the fence. Whether it be in someone in a more public setting, abroad or someone who I allowed into my bed. And, here I have this opportunity to introduce myself. To say this is me, this is whats going on and this is what happen to me. And, I’ll tell stories about my family, past or current circumstances. But, I know that some people get particularly curious about my life in regards to certain people but that person(s) is none of their business. Anyway, You’d think that knowing the truth; getting confirmation and seeing for yourself would be enough. But, all they see is their goal which is miles away from me. And once or twice, they met that goal.

Beyond that its like most people have this strong concept of place; having this perfect relationship at home. And, me being in the place of someone at my age who lives under normal circumstances. And, in my life. I haven’t lived in normal circumstances since I was 12 years old. And, the last six have total fucked me up. And, I need help! Once I got some great help and support from someone and he walked out of my life and I knew why. It broke my heart! But, when I was trying to join the peace corps I read a story about a lady who volunteered and felt that a long term presence in someone else’s life or country is wrong. You can do more harm or be a nuisance to how things work. The idea should always be that you do good and disappear. You empower a person or persons to do good for themselves and to take care of themselves. I’d like to think thats what happened. I’m sorry that I let him down! But, my point is the help is here but its not working because we can’t come together and say okay how we are going to exist. We  aren't on the same page around here and even though most of us are the same color; some are prudish while others are just too much. We don’t live and let live because we have become so powerful that we are always looking ahead and searching behind. There is nothing normal about occupations and witch hunts. I cant be in my place; it doesn’t exist. I cant really even make friends with people of certain (All asian) races and more without a bunch of drama.

If someone else told you about me during that process they might imply about how they were hurt or victimized or something like that. But just like there are two sides to every story, there are two sides to every person. I’m not perfect and neither is anybody else. There is my happy, helpful, upbeat and positive side. Then there is my depressed and fed up side. I’m not someone to viciously hurt someone. Two most terrible things that I have done recently are, I withheld an Ikea catalogue from my Aunt because I wanted to look at it and last night I stomped on the floor because my neighbors can be so loud. That is something I did on my own accord; that is my fault. It has nothing to do with Europe; I’m fucking crazy at the end of the day. And, if you push me too far I will break and not just break down, I will break on you. That is a promise! And, I am trying to be a better person. But, that wont stop people from continually pushing you especially if you don't push back. I’m sure that most will want to punish me to fullest extent of the law; snow will fall and I will most like be put in my “place”. But, its the price you pay and further more it kind of goes back to one of my recent blogs, Daniel Lives In Theory, the whole theory and practical part. 

It’s bad…..it’s like I said, “It’s layers upon layers of bad coming together”. Today me and Mom were talking about the guy who got his head cut off by the Iraqi people. I saw the video; its insane. My mom says that God must be coming back soon. And, it’s not that I believed what she  said but I was totally stunned. Simply because the last time she said that to me. I dont think things were nearly as bad in the world as they are no. I don’t know if God is coming back and atheist and self help types would say that we need to help ourselves. But, I really do think we need a hero. Not just to save people but to say the minds of people. I’m not saying brainwashing or something crazy but just to show people the world in a new light. With the way I feel about my life right now, I know its crazy that I could believe this but “Change the way you see things, change your life”. Do you agree?