Hmmm, I should have started writing maybe two hours ago because it always takes me about an hour to write these things. My mind is a little like a scrabbled eggs right now. So many things are on my heart and my mind. And, today is a horrible day because one of my idols died today, The great actress Lauren Bacall. I’ve never met this one before but I have a unique connection to her. Lastly, its an awful day because today my last relationship ended nine years ago today.
You know how when your a kid, you and your best mates always choose your favorite characters and pretend to be them. When I was a little boy, it was the X-Men or Power Rangers. When I became a young gay lady, then it became female rappers and classic women like Lauren Bacall. In my teenage dreams, me and best gay buds were the leading ladies of How To Marry A Millionaire. For some people, it was just a movie but for poor gay kids like me; it was a guidebook.
Oh, I can’t tell you how much I wanted to live in a great apartment with my best buds, model, date affluent men and just refined. Betty Grable and Marilyn Monroe were icons and I loved them. But, Lauren Bacall, those eyes and that voice. She was dark, with dry humor, strong, sarcastic yet could be vulnerable. I would have drank her bath water if I could have just had that presence within myself.
Believe it or not, I think I was more like her before I had my break down. Its amazing who we are when were unconscious. I just lived my life, never really caring about how I looked or seemed. If anything I was just my environment. I’d never made the conscious choice to be my own person. I guess I just naturally equated my surroundings with who I was or what was available to me. Never giving anything else that was outside of my bubble a chance to belong to me.
So I fell in love with a boy and found out that I am less like Lauren Bacall and more like Courtney Love and Tina Turner. At the very least I am Emma Watson in The Perks of Being a Wallflower. Love is hard and loving a man is even harder when you’ve never loved a man before. Even harder that is when you never ever been loved by a man. Always said that I was fine without having a Dad but it was obvious then and its obvious now. I need my Dad or even just the guy I think of as Dad.
The beauty of destruction and being torn down is you discover your like one Russian dolls. All those huge layers of ego, false self confidence, attitude, faces, disguises and more are gone. Your just naked and your left to work with what you have left. And, that work only makes you have to work on yourself. And, it’s hard to be there with your weaknesses and faults.You can’t cheat yourself.
For the most part, I have done my work or at least all the work that I can do here. Beyond my health (weight and pains), I am not really unsatisfied with myself. Growing up in the church, it’s seems that we always blame the bad things on the devil. Something gets an attitude with….”Oh, that’s just the devil trying to take my joy”. And, I wish I could say that everything thats happening to me is the devil. I wish I could fix it, break it down or just make it end.
But, like a a good friend once told me, “You can’t fight a hurricane”. If anything my issue is worse than a hurricane. It’s just layer on top of layer of confusion. It’s like the nano bites from the G.I. Joe movies, consuming and healing it’s self. Therefore, there is no weak link or link that will stay weak long enough. There is no communication except with it’s self. And, the only way I ever see it ending is from the top and maybe just not top but tops. Everything on the bottom, just moves right along.
It would all be so easy if I didn’t have some concept of who I am. I am thankful to Lauren Bacall for giving me something to live up to and desire. If it weren't for her example and many other strong women like my mother, I wouldn’t be who I am. And, as much as I hate the fact that I wasn’t smart enough to learn my lessons without the fall, I guess some things happened the way that they were suppose to. I feel authentic and life can only get better. The moral of this story is don’t stop dreaming and having visions for your life. They will get you through hard times, they will teach you important lessons as time go by. It might happen and it might not happen yet. But, whatever happens will groom you to be whatever you want and need to be for the dream to come true. Even though I am taking detours now, my goal haven't changed and my heart is in the same place it was yesterday. Thank You, Lauren.
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