Hey, What's Going On With Me

No one actively choose’s to be depressed and I can tell you that I have never been one to feel like I need someone. Being in my situation, I am finding that I am always needing someone, waiting for someone or made to feel like I need to bow to someone for them being older than me. And, for being placed with the honor of doing not a damn thing for me but doing everything to me. 

Recently I talked to my friend Dirk about depression and what it felt like for me. He has no idea what it is like. When your going through some type of mental illness like depression or anxiety it is like having an invisible set of chains. You are owned by it and dragged down by it. Soon you start living with it, settling with it and even covering for it. And, no one really understands the hold that these things have on you. They think that you can just get over it. 

For many years, I walked around inside this pressure filled bubble;. I would walk in a room and feel like all eyes were staring at me. It was the must disastrous thing ever! I don’t remember the exact day that it started but I wore it’s cover everyday. And, it’s something that you can’t exactly explain because it is on you at all times. It was so strong on me that I never really got a break to stop myself and say, “Hey, What’s Going On With Me?”.

What’s even worse is that you start to feel attacked for having depression. You’ve got this person and that person over there interpreting your isolation, your choice of friends and lifestyle. And, so many people take offense. So many people feel the urge to be an asshole. In the almost ten years that I have been depressed and going through anxiety, I can count on one hand, how many people have actually tried to address what’s going on with me and how do we go about this. 

Now getting help was the equally hard part. You can’t really rely on your friends especially all of my local friends. It got to a point with every one of my friends that it felt like they were trying to be my parent. And, I am not that kind of boy. I am not that kind of kid. My business is my own until I decide to tell you. But, that is not really the kicker. I hate that people who didn’t care about me in the first place, decide to use my friends and family against me; never telling them the full story. Get quiet as a church mouse when they come around; you could hear a fly throw up on cotton. Then when I go ahead and start to spell the beans to them then there is nothing they can do about and they are walking around looking stupid. And, their actions or tears in their eyes are basically saying, I can’t do anything for you. While I am up there in the shit like you and them just took me through and sorry or I can’t do anything for you is all you have to offer. I don’t feel like I am apart of this life. 

That’s when I knew I was beyond help. There is no way on this earth that I am going to be able to get all the people around here, that I am suppose to bow to actually like me and treat me fairly. Look at all the trouble that we go through because of names. I’ve actually got close to a guy locally; he seems nice, he doesn’t know anything about my past and I have no intention on telling him. But, his name! I know I sound like a paranoid crazy person but in all honesty I’m dealing with paranoid and crazy people. Folks that go to great lengths to annoy the crap out of me. 

And, depression and anxiety are very selfish diseases. They are diseases that constantly make you think about yourself. They are diseases that require you to constantly work on yourself. And, I don’t really have the time to devote to people that aren’t devoted to me or at the very least not positive. I’m negative enough for at least two or three people. Lastly, its hard to find positive friends. It’s hard to find people who are like minded. And, it’s hard to find friends that wont get involved, can resist it, still like me and still have a friendship with me. It’s hard! Sometimes I wish I could make all the bad people in my life disappear but I know that would only make more come. So I love with them just like I live with these diseases. Neither one helping the other.