Because It's Real

I’ve been wrestling with the idea of writing this post. One side of me says no and the other side of me says yes. The funny thing is for several reasons I agree with both sides and your confused, you should do nothing. That’s my motto and I always stick to it. So I did some pros and cons in my head. Lets start with the cons, there is a possibility…well more than a possibility of pissing off some people. Secondly, there is more than possibility that I could get hurt. Even though technically I already have been in more than one way (and for something that I didn't even recognize until it was brought to my attention). Now for the pros, after the events of last week we another friend, I think it would be better to say my piece (which is good and bad at some parts) versus just leaving it for someone else to fill in the blanks then whoever will be mad me and whoever else. Secondly, if we've come this far then the cat is already out of the bag. It’s safe to say that people know. It’s been one of the worse kept secrets around. Now there is proof and this just might help or hurt the situation. So now that we have got the disclaimer out of the way. I hope to get this over with so I can get back to my homework and this is no longer reason why I have to take a break every time ten to fifteen minutes. 

Now let’s start at around 2010 or so. It might have been around then because I think that was the year I tired to join the army and got in a car accident leaving the recruiting place. Anyway, First there was L.B., we liked each other but I just thought he was some goofy kid. He looked younger than me but as time went by we got to know each other. Then we started having this little miscommunications and became bitchy queens towards each other. The miscommunications stemmed from age, ego and distance; he is a foreigner or just not American. Then at end of 2011/beginning of 2012, for some strange reason we started to get close.

In Feb of 2012, I met A.M., he was in town on business. I thought he was a gift from my father….father God. He was sooooo cool. So I made my first mistake, I hooked up with a guy after just a few messages. The bottom-line is I was horny and he had what I needed. So I went ahead and just had sex with him. I thought there was a possibility of their being something more and that possibility never really showed it’s self. So I stuck it out with LB. 

Now there were all kinds of warnings. But, I was happy for the first in a long time. First there was Matt, a guy from the same country as L.B. but after awhile he disappeared. Then I had my childhood best friend warning me about A.M. but I didn’t take the message from him because I was happy for the first time in a long time. Then I couldn’t figure out why a friend that I have here that has ties to L.B’s country, couldn’t exactly get along with the notion of L.B. being in my life. Then there is an older gentleman that I am still friends with that was giving me advice but I didn't receive that either. 

The truth is I was loyal to A.M. and L.B. because they were my drug dealers; not literally. After moving from my old address where I started off with them. I’d put on a considerable amount of weight. I’d stopped dating other men and closed some friendships because I was serious with L.B. And, I had all I needed in L.B., someone to counsel me and love me. And, with A.M. I had someone to be a little bad with me and share things with. I saw the bad things, I knew what each one of them was doing but I let it go. For as long as I have been living this second part of my life, I had always been left out and been the guy who could never be apart of the in crowd. I was always a rebel or the guy who couldn't be cool as far as the locals were concerned. So I figured maybe it has to hurt to stay loyal and keep their secrets. Since everyone is so much chummy with each other, the local and the foreigners, I thought maybe this is karma saying sorry for the last few years at your old place. So I held on to them for dear life and when the asian magic box finally broke open, I spent so long blaming everyone associated with that box for what happened. When the truth is they were kind of doing the kindest thing that they have ever done for me. Although I have to say that if things would have stayed the way they were, it could have all fell away and I could have gotten back to my normal life instead of this death that I am living. No one could have understood why I was so made and determined to keep them. They were the first bit of normal that I had, had for years even if it was a farce. The dream was better than reality. 

For so long, I have defended A.M. and L.B even when it hurt. And, boy have those two hurt me bad. But, coming to my senses, I began to see that they had been hurt and even lied to. And, I saw it in their eyes and words that they began to see me for who I am. And, then I could look beyond the hurt. That moves me beyond all of what they could have done. I guess that’s a personal goal of mines, to be seen for who I am versus who I am not. And, even though I am not sure of what I saw yesterday because of course it could be or mean anything. But, then there is that chance that it is what it is. If thats the case then I am hurt, hurt because I hurt other people over them and hurt because it’s real. But, so many other things from them and that can't be forgotten or underestimated.