First, I want to say.....I know a lot of people. Some people who really like and love me. I wish that my family and those around me could actually see the upside of that. That there must be something about me, that all these people would cling to me. And, it's not just my struggle that bought them forth.
The truth is I love them all back in my own way. And, I still love them even when they are compromised. I've got a friend who has someone in his life that could be classified as an enemy (atleast to me) and they post pictures all over Facebook. Now keep in mind, I don't think about this boy and I like him but it's the reason that he is friends with my friend that I don't like. Anyway, so they post pictures on Facebook all the time. And, I know my friend, I've known him for years and I have studied him. In most pictures he takes with this guy, the happiness is not there. He is not shining like the man, I fell in love with all those many years ago.
It's for reasons like this that I stand where I stand. And, I know people from outside scream that I am bad or I am out of control. And, they are half right, yes, I am bad and out of control WITH bad and power happy people. But, when you give this image off, it presents this image that I am like Godzilla or one the boys from Grease and I am terrorizing where ever I go, when in fact, it's nothing like that. Atleast, it doesn't start out like that. I'm not going in to stores and being awful to people. I'm not being an asshole to other drivers on the road. I'm stealing from my family or anything crazy.
However, things like that have happened to me but I digress. What I am about is not seeing strong and good people becoming depend on an organization that does nothing but produce powerful, spoiled, dependent, oppressed martyrs. So many days, I go past people or see people that I was once great friends with and they just don't look the the same. It's not fair! And, for the people, that are happy with where they are, that don't see a problem and all that.....hey, maybe this sickness loves you. I'm not hating on that but don't bring that shit in my life. The truth is it's been screwing me for a long time. It's screwing me now, it's screwing my Mom financially, it's screwing my brother and most likely my Aunt too. And, I don't want to hear no shit about it will work out later because in the end.....some body else is going to have to get screwed for it to work out. And, I would be the devil that it's going to be me. And, everybody is going to be looking around all stupid and sorry while my ass is going through the ringer.
Anyway, back to this behavior thing, no one is born bad, just like no one is born racist. These are taught behaviors and the teachers being people in our lives and life experience. I've said this a million times in my old blog and now in my current blog, the life you see now among me and my family only partially existed. Things were much worse than they are now. Even though I can honestly that in many ways, this place is starting to get close to that. Insiders might only get this but that theft in the night shit is an old trick that would happen just because. There was no Europeans or anything; I was dating local and mostly black.
Where I was before was no joke. Dudes on the street, in front of my Mother tried to fight my brother. In front of my mother cursed at me and talked bad about me. For no reason, I was alone, I was not the person I am now. There was no one to help or console me. There was no one to make me understand. My family was there but they were all busy with their own problems yet they had people there for them. But, me, I got it the worse....everything from the way I dress to the boys I dated were criticized and brought down all the time. My health was failing and there was no education or instruction...then just boom...fat. Maybe those people have changed, maybe those people were hurt and maybe I am wrong for not giving a damn about them being hurt one time while I suffered for four years and even more now.
It's reasons like this why I am who I am. And, the absurdity to think it's justifiable to hurt me or bring me down because regardless of how I was treated, this people were this or that. It just makes you feel like your nothing. And, to see my "peace-able" friends rally behind this makes me feel like....okay where are the puppet strings. Like all of you guys are kidding me right. Then so many people have the nerve to be so high and mighty yet think this is a joke. I've got a friend in New York tell me, "that they were this way because most likely they are in the same position; they don't want to die". And, who has time for frienemies, I've got so many of them and the problem is when they help you with one thing, in the meantime, they have absorbed your current situation/dealings and can cut you down.
And, I look at people and think you can't just look at me. Just a boy, who didn't graduate high school, did tons of drugs, turned his life around and think "now he is some evil mastermind". But, your so smart that you can even see that maybe there is a reason that he is so protective and defensive. If you could only imagine the things I've seen, the times I've been used and betrayed.....not by just some guy I was dating. But, by people who were in control. I've never met one person that's in control of something and was not dirty. I take that back....the only people I have met that aren't that way, are people that I am friends with now. I don't want to change the world, I don't want to hurt anybody as much as I want to stop the people I love from being hurt. I just want all of us to exist with tags and interests in each other.
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