Dark Ambition

It's funny to sit back and watch people just do too much. Like too much unecessary stuff; like it's really going to make things any better for anybody else but themselves. As far as I can see it, it's all very temporary. 

What's scary though the darkness that you see in other people. I know this might sound like a crazy or over the top comparison but I imagine that suicide bombers are very much the same way. There is the dark determination mixed with this steady focus. This belief that this  sacrifice being made of themselves is going to make some big difference. This is the same darkness and ambition that I've seen in my brother these last few weeks. 

Like I totally support people who have drive and ambition but what ever is going on with my brother makes me want to perform an exorcism on him. Ambition should never be at the expense of loved ones. Okay, so your busy that's cool but when it physically hurts other people that's when I'm like, "Oh Hell No!".

This is the same darkness that I've seen in my friend the Big Dee. Last night I had a FaceTime conversation with him about all of this. He says it's not true and that it's me. And, truly I did change on him twice; there was the me that he first met, then I started going crazy on him and there is who I am now. Right Now, I feel better about my life and other people...I'm a bit more loving and patient. And, I'm able to better tolerate a relationship with him. 

At one point I loved him, secretly, I thought this guy is what I need. And, I gave him up and treated him badly for reasons that he might not ever understand. There is this life that I had in the past, that totally wrecked my future. And, if we would have met in a different space and time, maybe so many things would have turned out differently. But, now he has turned into this other person and it's like he doesn't even understand what position he puts me in. He puts me at home; in what should be a normal place. But, there is nothing normal about my life. So we constantly have this friction and tension with each other. But, some how we discovered that we both suffer with this feeling. It's like I am thinking about him, I'm having these warm feelings with tears in my eyes and he literally just texts me. Now I feel like "Oh fuck!" and neither of us deserves that from each other. Inside we are both good people, I know that. 

I don't like sitting back and watching him with the darkness over him. It's like, he was a normal guy until he met me. And, I feel guilty for knowing him and so many other people. It's a burden that I don't think anyone will understand. And, I worry that me and him, like many other once good friends of mines will not survive. I feel the same way about my brother. I'm looking at my home and the shit that went down yesterday has started a many of fights in my house. And, it's just history repeating it's self. They move him in thinking it will be a good idea, he starts working on my nerves, then on theirs, the fights start and my brother moves. And, when they fight my brother starts cussing and they get loud. It's nothing like when I have a disagreement with them. These are so insane days. We need some long term solutions. We need to make some changes are we will always be right here like this.