A Sense Of Betrayal...

I think a lot of people around me are incredibly smart and talented. But, I think there is one thing that's so important to me when dealing with me. For example, come to find out someone was being tricky all while being buddy buddy with me. You present me with something and naturally because I have nothing I should just go ahead and take. My emotions and everything should be so savage that I wouldn't care. I should be grateful. What you've done should over rule all the bad things. When in reality, I feel betrayed and conflicted. 

Moreover, there is a battle going on inside of me. There is a part of me that feels bad because growing up in church, the preacher always said, "Stop looking for your blessing to look like the way you want it to look". And, I believe that! Secondly, I was looking at post on Facebook by Alex Minsky. He was writing about nutrition and working out. And, the last line of his post was "You have to trust the process". And, it's like you want to trust but how can I trust you if your always lying and playing games with me. Furthermore, how can you trust someone who always invades on your privacy, picks and chooses your friends, puts your parents before you (when your almost 30 years old), allows others to say and do the the craziest shit to you (plus cooperates with them) and lastly but most importantly messes with your money. But, of course, I'm the crazy one.

And, that's why I wanted a separate life from you. A life that includes my friends. But, the problem is now that you have your hooks in my friends....I can't really go anywhere or do anything without you right there. To you it's enforcing or trying to get close but to me it's stalking and betrayal. And, you would have had a much better chance long ago if you would have just said this is who I am, this is where I come from and this is what I want. 

But, what really pisses me off is for every or any opportunity that I turn down it looks like I am going back on my word or my  principles. And, I look foolish or like I can't keep my word. I'm not saying there is a guaranteed opportunity that comes along with every person that comes along but what I am saying is that I am closed off to it. But, I can't allow myself to be used or sit up in happiness at the cost of others. That is where I am exercise my duty. The preacher always you to say," you have to stay faithful...". When you want something to happen for you. And, I've been faithful while there are no guarantees. It's been 6 years and I'm still wait, working and pray that I can get back on own feet without these shadows and clouds everything freakin where. 

In these 6 years all I've been getting is betrayal and let downs. Yeah, I would like take my home and land back. But, whose with me. What would be liberation for me would be devastation for others; even those in my family. So I'm left with nothing!!! You'd think so many people would be happy that so many people love me. But, that love doesn't translate. Everything that loves me seems like it's satan to my family. Im almost 30 and my family still thinks I'm 13. So what to freakin do but keep on doing what I am. 

Flow

For as much as I know about friends, people or situations, I have to and others have to face the fact that there is so much that we don’t know. Especially in my life where there is no real dialogue. And, I sit back and I watch things develop or happen… So many people are doing things with out clear understanding. We live and swear by other peoples actions and not their words. Partially because we live in a world where we have to be so precise about everything.

You can’t and you won’t understand why this person or that person rejected you or said something ugly. It could have less to do with you and more to do with them. And, as a person whose “real” friend list is shrinking everyday, I can’t really afford to make enemies. There is waaaaaay too many people who think ill of me. And, its not even that some people think ill of me but they are damn sure working against me or at least treading that fine line between friend and enemy. 

And, thats taught me a lot about people and life. I think people especially Americans want to be apart of a big popular winning team. Few people hardly say, “Well I want to be with the losing side”. And, I worry that  a big majority people in my life are doing what they are doing and are being what they are to me simply because they are on the winning side. Its rare that you meet people with strong moral convict (that arent fanatical) and people that will suffer or work for something simply because it is the right thing to do. 

I hate thinking in these terms because life is not a competition. The more you compete, you miss out on the blessing of life around you. You start to think about people all the time and not in the way that you should. You don’t have thoughts like, “How can I help my brother” or your sister or friend. You don’t think in terms of…What can I do for other people or to better myself. Your always thinking about how can I defend myself or how can I be better or beat this person. 

It would be nice to go out on a date or make new friends without having to worry or feel like I need a complete background check before I can say yes. Even though meeting new people should be the last thing on my mind. It would be nice to have someone for just activities versus just sex or something wild. So will see how it goes but I think I will be highly unsuccessful. But, thats life, you just gotta go with the flow some times. 

The Way It's Supposed To Be...

I'm afraid that were losing the grey area in life. Were losing that space between yes and no. Every one wants it this way or that way; were become such an on demand type of people. I think were all so used to getting things the way that we want them that we can't accept things as they are. 

Twice yesterday I came in contact with two new friends that didn't necessarily insist on knowing more about my life but the approach made me a little uncomfortable. It's not that I didn't want to tell them more about myself. But, the truth is I didn't want our friendship to change. I knew that if I told them about me plus mix it with what they have heard; they could become conflicted. 

An older friend that I have had for maybe almost three years has been in that position. In the past he was so caring and supportive of not only my life but of my ambitions. It meant the world to me! He never knew exactly how much he meant to me. Partly because we've never met and because he has never been here. 

So now my friendship with this person of three years has changed. He is not the same; he is not vulnerable with me anymore. He stopped writing at all! And, I don't think he knows how he is portrayed around me. And, I can't blame him for that but to be called names by him let me know how I am portrayed him. I'm a drama queen and delusional! What he doesn't see is that I am surrounded by drama and illusions. 

Anyway, I didn't want to go through things like this with new friends. And, to top it off; one of the guys went a little deeper and started talking about me not being self sufficient. I wanted to be offended but how could I when I didn't want to explain my life to him. I wanted to scream, "I'm going through hell so I can have a life". Hmmm! 

Now I know this is the beginning of the end. I just don't think these new relationships are going to last. Not because I want them to end; as a matter of fact, I like them both very much. But, because I know where it's gonna go from here. Now I don't want to sabotage myself and I want to trust but I don't want to be foolish. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone. 

I just wish they could accept things the way that they are. But, I can't blame them if they don't want to. I don't want them to condemn me because I'm not in my place. When the truth is my place hasn't been working for a long time. And, it's getting to a point where there is no way to fix it. 

Deutschland Ich liebe dich

A conversation I just had brought back memories that I have long forgotten. Despite how tragic things are now, life had been pretty good to me despite certain setbacks. But, what makes it really interesting is the people that you meet along the way. In certain periods of life, when your really low, its the best thing that can happen for you. It’s been a while since I had that kind of inspiration but I will never forget that time in my life. 

The last time that I really felt inspired and motivated was in Germany. Of all places, Germany! Well, I had been kicked out of where I was staying, I had all kinds of problems with friends, I was running out of money fast, and I hard some hard choices to make on my own. The truth is I had reach my absolute limit. And, I was going to break the number one rule of my vacations; calling home. 

There is something about the energy of Berlin. The outside is so gritty and dirty like Los Angeles but you feel this freedom and energy that is so amazing to me. Despite all the bad things happening, I felt like I was apart of the scenery. I felt like I belonged to the crowd! And, all these amazing people came from out of no where and were school cool. Here at home, the people that come out make me want to go in a dark corner some where. But, I think that has more to do with that being the common occurrence. 

And, there is nothing like having to take care of yourself. When I go on vacation I go to relax and have fun. Being at home is like being in a war zone sometimes. It just feels like everything is closing in on you. Almost all the windows of my house face another part of the someone else’s house. And, its not so much that its people but its the same people and the same shit all of the time.

On my last night in Germany, it was quiet and it seemed the magic was leaving. So I got a cab and made my way to the airport. And, I just wanted something to feel as bad as I did. Unfortunately that person was going to be. Anyone one who knows me, knows that when I get on airplanes something happens to me. Maybe its the cabin pressure and mixture of anxiety. But, when I get on planes my insides turn into a nuclear power plant in the midst of a meltdown. Maybe hiroshima is a more accurate description. 

You know when you get on a plane going to a foreign destination, there are usually more locals of that destination on the plane. So after almost a month away and a small plane ride I was physically and mentally not ready to be around Californians again. So I made it on the plane from Frankfurt to Montreal and was a wreck by the time we landed. While going through customs There was a nice old Irish couple from Orange County in front me and another brown haired girl from California. The girl talked about her trip and the old couple talked about their lives back home; the store that they owned. Meanwhile, my stomach was angry and was getting loud. I just wanted to turn back around. Their lives sounded so great in California; here I am right behind them thinking…..ya’ll don't even know what I am really going through or what I am about to go through. 

Through the pain, I thought about it. Why would I want to go back to a country where I cant speak to half of the people and I was basically kicked out on my ass. Well, I wanted to go back because I felt alive; I felt just like everybody else. There were no invisible warnings signs about me. No one to make me feel like some special project or something of that nature. No looks of disgusts; just movement, function, and brotherhood. Here at home I’ve got the assurance that my family will support me plus with the knowledge of how life is here for me…there is not much fight left in me. I’m just so tired and I am so much more stronger than this. I’ve been through so much bad stuff and came out on top. I’m not used to not surviving and not making the best out of a bad situation. The only thing I can think now is that maybe I have to lose in order to learn how to truly win at my life. To no longer be mediocre and just passable! So Germany will always hold a special part of my heart! Thanks for making me feel so alive. 

That peace and lust for life stays with me. It is a reminder of what I really want and what I am doing. After a while of being home, its starts to wear off on you and you get back into the grind of home. You become that munster that you were all over again. But, thats life……

What Really Matters

I don’t know why its this way but it is. In recent years it seems that everything I love to do, want to do or excel at; there is always something to get in the way. If I like a boy, if I workout like I should, if I make a close friend, get a job or anything like that. Which makes it hard to move on. You’d kind of think that if the people around you think that you spend to much time online or something like that, you would want me to get out and live life. I’d be away from the computer and would be productive. 

The irony is that if I do get out to live my life and I can’t do all those things I listed above. The only thing that is really left to do is get in trouble. And, so in the past, I got into all the trouble I could get into. It was easy and it was available. Then everyone and their Mom had something to say about what I was doing. Even I looked at myself and said, “You’ve got to slooooooow down hoe”.

But, even when you try to do right then you still get all kinds of people interested in nothing but dirt. Who I love, like, have sex with, call friend or anything else is more important to other people than what I am saying. And, what really bugs me is that perceived experiences, always seem to get turned into these dirty and sorted affairs. And, it's always not true!  Anyway, What I am saying is that I want to have a life and the privacy that comes with it. I want to start fresh, I want a better relationship with my family and so much more. It’s hard to live life right here when all anyone can think about is what is going on over there. 

And, if you can’t have the basic things in life. Then you won’t have much of life at all. I don’t know how or if I will ever be able to change this. But, I know that whatever I decide, there is going to be a lot of suffering involved. There are going to be a lot of tests and a lot of drama. It’s not going to be easy! But, like my Mother always said, “You do what you have to do to get by”. And, thats how I know its all worth it. 

For So Long...

Well, I dont know why I didn't think of this yesterday but there was something that I have been meaning to write about. The other day, a friend of mine from Eastern Europe was chatting about a conflict in the news. And, two phrases stuck with me, “But, who is right and who is wrong?”. Then after a few lines of conversation/debate with others he went along and said “I guess will never know who is right and who is wrong”. And, those words stuck in my head for a long time. 

I look at the situations in my life and I think about who I am. Never matter where someone else stands on issues or in my life. They all can and most do have valid concerns. For example, Some people might think I am outrageous or extreme. And, that, that should be addressed. Now even I can say that, that is true. And, here in where the dividing line begins. It how you handle things that makes the difference. You can be extreme like the guy who tries use a flame thrower to kill a spider and in turn burns his house. Then there is another way, you can be diplomatic or cool about things. 

Now when I think about the relationship that I had with my ex. I think about the good times and then I think about the abuses I suffered from him down the line. And, I get sad and I get angry. So angry about what he did to me. But, I never think about the times I was pessimistic towards him. If anything, all I remember is me being devoted to him, providing for him and loving him. So in the end, we both did something wrong…..some things more wrong than the other person. 

In my life, I wish I could eliminate the extremeness of it all. Some guys look at me and think I am extreme, intense or fanatical. I don’t want to appear fanatical like one of those crazy tv evangelist. But, couldn’t what I have been through in the past and what I am going through right now explains that. Like nothing and no one that I am with or know as a real friend is extreme like the things that I have seen. And, you can’t really unsee or undo what you know. 

There are so many people in my life that are just double dealing with me. You can just feel something else behind them. And, I just can’t bring myself to be mad at them. I just can’t bring myself to be hurt. Some of them, I just feel sorry for. I know that I am not an angel. The truth is I just want my life back because there is just too many people in my mix. I can’t shop, meet new people or do anything fun because it always interferes with someone or something else. 

Right Now, things are stirring up. There is a whole storm of crazy coming this way. And, I feel like…is how come no one ever see’s this stuff or talks about this stuff. Then the people that do see this stuff end up going through the most stuff. And, then you have friends that basically set you up for more stuff. But, I just try to have faith that its all going to work out for the good. It’s not that I don’t have good sense, it’s just my faith at work. If something seems too outrageous, I stay away from it. And, I know that most of all my friends know that I go through things but I wonder if they see how extreme or how dire it can be especially those fair-weather friends. 

At this point in time, with all the transgressions that have transpired, in the fairest parts of my mind, I know who is right and who is wrong. And, if I don't know then I do know whose been good to me and that’s bad. Most of us just go with whose been good to us. And, I still don’t know why if these people and things that I am being so dramatic about, are not that bad then why do they keep letting bad things happen to me or doing bad things to me. And, it was never that I started anything with them but they were this way from the start; all of them. I want to know that what has been so bad about me, as a person, that could make people so evil without even trying to know me before hand. Why be so spiteful to be so kind to other people that I love. I just don’t think I could understand it or even forgive it after being this way for so long. 

Nothing Left To Say

Today is one of those days that I don't really have anything to say. The truth is it's all been said. It has all been done. We know what it is (to an extent)....Now what to do. 

All I can hope to do is be the best at what I've got going on until I find the next step in life. Anybody that's successful in this life had to take a few steps to get where there going. 

If you've been reading my blog; you know my luck with jobs and stuff like that. So maybe my step is to just wait around and keep doing what I'm doing. All of which is kind of discouraging. I am missing action and fluidity. Being here can be such a stop and go experience. 

But, there are some important things to do; School, housework, etc. And, if I have to stay here then that's where the work should begin. I've got to figure out what I can do and interject new things in that part of my life. 

I wish I could say that everything is going to be amazing but that's not realistic. But, I can say that everything is going to be okay; no matter what happens.

The Point Of No Return

This is one blog post that I have wrote time and time again. Just right now, I wrote to a friend about the difference in American guys versus European guys. He basically asked “What’s wrong with American guys’. So I answered him and then got on my favorite gay social network. And, I looked at the last three to five guys that visited my page and just knew. These guys will most likely hurt me so bad if I messaged them. 

Then I look at the one to two American friends that I have left. They are just amazing. Maybe if I got out more, I might meet more great people. But, when I think about…the risk is high and the idea of gain can only be hypothesized about. The risk is that I go out into the world more. And, then I only get acquainted with more closed minded people or people that are just trouble. Then in turn, I end up in more trouble. Now the good part is, I could meet some interesting and good people. But, the fact that they become my friend could kind of be bad for them….really bad especially with them living here. 

All of which is another reason why I have never ran away. Maybe a few years ago, yeah but now….no. The only way that I can see myself ever getting away from here on my own is if I did it this very instant; it would have to be a snap decision. I just pack a backpack and just walk out of there door. Just walk and hitchhike until I am at least a state or two radius away from California. There would be no money because how can I ever save money. So I would be depending on the kindness of strangers and trash cans. And, even if I ever find some place to stay, I would have to seriously think hard about calling home.  

Since I was homeless for almost all of my teenage years, I am not exactly looking forward to being homeless again. If I had to do it, I would just adapt because I know I can. But, for now I am stuck in this contradiction. A life where everyone begs of you to sit down in your life but calls you stupid. A life where if I do, do something right then there is a herd of people that feel defeated or angry at me. And, a life where no one wants to see me leave but if I do decide to try to build a bigger life here…it has to be someone else's life and absolutely everything under their control. 

Sometimes I wish life, God, or whoever could just call a spade, a spade. Just tell all of this like it really is. Just make it known to everyone. The announcement would read something like, 

“He is to be imprisoned until he learns…..yada yada….and until we know everything about his past. He can’t have any sexual or love relationships. All dates and friends have to be verified and approved. Since we own him, we can do any and everything to him that we see fit. And, it is against the law for anyone foreign or domestic to intervene….”.

From there the message will continue with more junk. But, its like even if it was horrible, if there was a face and clear lines versus all the spying and treachery of my life, it would be so much easier. Like I would be tempted to think about it or to do whatever it is to get over this hump. There is so much bigger and important stuff in this world….Gay Rights in Russia, Missing children in Africa, conflicts in the Middle East, planes missing and crashing all over the world, hunger in parts of Asia, etc. 

And there is me….a kid living in one of the best countries to live in, in the world and my life is hell because civilized people can accept differences and get along with people that are different. My life is being imitated in bigger and bigger scopes; part of me is flattered and humbled. My life is providing opportunities to others regardless of where or who they stand with in my life. But, there is another part of me that is so ashamed. Nobody wants to be known or famous for having a life that is a total overflowing trash bin. And, I feel that, that’s where we should all feel a little ashamed; friend or foe. Were acting like this is the Bosnian War or something. And, I think we can clearly see that things on my side of the wall do not have a clear focus. It’s not so much about foreigners (the foreigners don't hate America), it’s not so much about past indiscretions (most people can start to see how that past is justified whether they admit it or not) or anything like that. You can buy other people with that kind of thought. But, what this is really about is control, security, and visibility. 

The biggest mistake we all make is that we doubt the intelligence of others. Im surrounding by immensely intelligent and street smart people. And, if any of these minds (locally) wanted to heal the hurt and get my life together, they would because they have the power. All I can say is that I’m tired, 5 plus years of this will turn you into me. LOL! I just hope that good things will happen soon. But, the more we go forward, the hard it is to go backwards. I think its safe to say that we have reached the point of no return. I'd say to people, stay away but its kind of too late now. 

Occurrence

The next few days are going to tell me (and maybe everyone else) something about power. If words that aren't in any way a lie on you, degrades you (or your lover, family, friends or choices).....are that offensive to then that alone says a lot. That is something that I have received time and time again but I don't coward, I just always choose love or complaining. So I wait here patiently and I wait to see how bad and physically hurtful you have to be over something that lasted less than 5 seconds. I just hate living in a world where I have to be consistently less for other people and then I am called stupid all the time. 

Broken Circle

I'm more than 75% sure that their are snakes in my life. And, when I say that, I have to have a different sentiment. It used to be that I had a a close circle of friends. And, I was able to keep all the bad things out. They were at the gates of my life but they weren't necessarily in my life. 

But, the circle is breaking and things are most definitely changing. You hear and you read so much bullshit about other people. So when I start to hear it about people that I love; it really puts you off. And, it's worrisome because if it's true then how do you love a friend through whatever their going through whilst they are biting you up. 

What I hate about the things that break up relationships is not just the loss of the friendship but the loss of things that friendships give underneath the surface. For example, I can't tell and don't want my Mom to know what I like in the bedroom. That's none of her business and depending on the relationship that you have with your parents then it can be down right disrespectful. And, it doesn't matter if I have met this person that I call friend or not. All that matters is that, it's real friendship. 

Being home is all illusions and confusion. And, I look at the situations and relationships that I have going on... And, I think to myself, "God, don't let me break up a relationship or good situation because of all the manipulation". I know I'm not perfect and sometimes I get it wrong but all I have to go on is what I see and what I know. Sometimes the view is messed up when your in the battlefield. Furthermore, sometimes it's not that I've got it wrong; it's others. They might is interpret me in so many ways. 

And, I look at myself and think....."If there was anybody meant to be going through what I am going through then it isn't me". I know there is suppose to be a lesson in all of this but I feel like I'm on the losing side of life. And, it doesn't help to have the people that are immediate to you, are helping you right down the line. 

I'm not sure what to do right now. My life is changing, my routine is broken, the positive changes I was making in my life are in reverse....and I was hoping that I could just go ahead. All I really want these days is to be happy. It's one of the only things that matter in life.

A Promise To Complain

So I complain….Its a horrible habit to have but I complain. Maybe it makes me feel better or maybe its something more. My complaining has become something more, I feel as if my complaining has become advocating. I’m not looking for applause or fame as much as I want to hear someone just agree. 

Maybe gay people and outcasts will understand this better…But, It is incredibly hard to hold on to who you are and be that person when indirectly or directly, everyone is telling you that your wrong. Mentally your wrong and physically your wrong. When some people around me start talking, the only words I hear are within their conversations. Those words are, “Your wrong…your stupid…your body is all wrong, etc.”. And, sometimes it is true! Maybe not even sometimes for some areas. 

And, since I suffer from a mental illness, I feel like I am always apologizing for not being perfect. Then I am apologizing for being ill equipped and I am apologizing for not having, what I am not allowed. Everyday is a tug of war (externally and internally) between misconceptions of me, what is interesting about me and what is normal. So I cant fit the mold or design for this world. So I complain because the issues in my life have become so outrageous that I can’t have quality of life. Life is the thing that we suffer through from the moment we wake up til we fall asleep. Everyday I suffer in a way that is belittling and non supportive. 

All the time, I think about running away so that maybe I could change my stars. For centuries people have been running away and I think to myself…why cant you just leave. Why won’t anyone let you leave or give you space to change. It’s like I am a grown ass man; you can sue me but you can’t believe me when I tell you what I need. I just need to step away from you; I need to compose myself elsewhere. But, like train conductors, they feed the coal to the fire. And, I just need someone to be that sweet grandma or aunt that everyone has.

So I thank God all the time for the friends in my life that meet me where I am at in my life. Sometimes I get emotional when I think about it. And, the reason why it is so important is because it makes you believe that you can be accepted and your issues can be worked out. They can see that I am not my situation, they can see the once I rose above, I wasn't depressed, I was working, I was going out and I was intelligent. 

Instead I have people coming out from all over the fucking place; draining the life I have, draining any security I have…And, in the end all they do is take; take friends, money, family and so much more. And, I die a little bit more inside when a friend changes and becomes someone I don't know anymore. Someone who doesn’t know me anymore. And, I think to myself, my love, you were to sunlight in darkness. You had no idea what your friendship, let alone your example and presence meant to me. A piece of you lives in me. 

And, for a month or two I was going in the right direction. Now I feel myself going the opposite direction. When you know someone, you know when something is wrong. A side of them, that you’ve never seen on them but is familiar comes out of them. And, you just know something is fishy. And, I feel like trying to live on fishy advice is giving me something, to only get something in the end. And, it’s that ending that worries me; an ending that they might not even be aware of. 

So instead of opening my arms to new people, I want to close them. No matter how much we like each other, things just aren't going to go well. They are coming from me, they will screw me once too many times and I am going to be all kinds of bitchy. My friends are my family and I know that whatever misguided info gets out will not only affect me but whatever friends that I have left. And, I just can’t deal with all of that. I’m not trying to gain the world or control everything else; I just want a world of my own. A life of my own!

I’m not sure about the future. I’m not sure about what’s going to happen. But, I fear for people; they are doing way too much for the nothing that they are getting from me. At this stage, I feel things escalating here and someone is going to do something that’s way over the line. All I want is for me and my friends to stay at peace. I’d rather hold and take all of these beatings than give them to someone else. I’d rather things be seen for what they are then to make something else out of it. Just promise you’ll listen to me complain. 

Occurrence

The attitudes of late have taken me on a flashback to years gone by. I’ve only seen actions and attitudes like this from where I’ve come from. And, the timing would fit considering all thats happened or is happening. All this trouble for one person, to draw one person out. All this trouble for one person who decided long ago, it did not want to be involved. Questions and ideas about whether this person was good or bad, right or wrong have been swirling around…..even more so lately. My answer to that is take yesterday and make that day be every single day for inception to departure. That attitude and energy is all too familiar. Technically, It’s the root reason why everyone is in the mess their in. It explains why a certain “gent” has been peculiar lately. But, I digress, when it comes to the integrity and heart of the person that departed from my life….that is not business to tell. But, if you know me, it’s heart that matters and I wouldn't keep anybody around my life if their heart wasn’t in the right place. Furthermore, the authority of that person’s language or ideas…..is also not my business to tell. But, I can tell you that there is maybe nobody who actually knows me, you and everybody else better. How easily we forget, he has been here (where I was and where I am) before a lot of people that are here now. This person can account for a lot of things. But, if he doesn't want anything to do with me, I am not going to force it. I am not going to bother, ask or anything. I hate to speculate about things but its the only thing that makes sense to me. 

The Darkness of Tonight

It's days like today that I remember why I adopted the night. Some days are so awful and so petty that I just don't want to face them. Instead of feeling some kind of awful way; I would just like to stay in the arms of the night. While people sleep and are non-violent. 

Sometimes it's the kindest and friendliest thing you can do; is to withdraw. But, I know it's not exactly the most fair thing that I could do for myself. There are so many things I am denying myself. Yet at the same time, it saves me from the paranoia that comes with everything falling on top of you. 

It seems that something has happened earlier that might not have happened if was not for my negligence. But, I don't really feel bad about because I expect this; I've been going through this same exact thing for over five years.

If anything I feel bad for other people because of what this spells out for other people around. To the locals it always this brave act; this reclamation of a child and power. It's consequence and responsibility; it's taming! But, when you look outside of this bubble, it's everything that's wrong, it's abuse, it's motivation, it's understanding for me, and a horrible use of physical power. And, I feel bad for the surroundings yet I am reminded why I could never ever be happy here for long. 

If there is anything I feel right now; it's embarrassment. I feel ashamed not because it happened but because not matter how much you can try to cover it up; it shows to the public. And, most times they know before I do. So it's another road block to coming together. It's another reason why I can't really bring home anyone that I like and love. Whether they admit it or not; most just don't want to come here. And, the ones that do come; just can't believe their eyes or ears. 

And, I look at my surroundings and I wonder if my family is not only seeing the situations but all seeing where all of this leading on their side of the line. Yeah, they might get to keep me but do they know what the end game is going to be. What could and will most likely happen to me. Yeah people survive wrecks and major illnesses but those are variables you can't control. My mother wants to live her life and no take care of people for the rest it. But, I could very well be that person.

That's the one thing I hate about this life we have here. Everyone around here sacrifices themselves and their lives. And, fights so hard to cover it up and justify their victimization; their coercion. And, then get mad when they have to pay for it. It's like monkeys in a barrel. And, if you do get away with murder; you will never be able to keep your possession without fear of the truth getting out. So I look at my family and friends; I want to say to them, "run away not because you are afraid, because you don't believe it will workout for you but because of your name plus future". Don't let the fall of me be the smear on your name and future. As much as my goal is to change and lift up. Their goal should be to never go to that dark place again. 

It's Mourning

It's morning for me! But, I feel like I haven't sleep well at all. My dreams are so active lately; nightmares one night and weird dreams the next. My brain is so on fire!!! So many thoughts and dreams, so many things to do. And, I'm mourning not for just the horrible sleep, for a man or just over horrible people. I've mourned that sleep, those people and that man long before they came because I knew what would happen. And, I told all of them what would happen; what they would be, what they would do or become. 

But, I'm mourning the loss of interest, the loss of innocence, the loss of promise, the loss of time and most importantly the good times. Plus, the good times that will never be seen. The funny thing you learn when you stay in one place for so long is all the things that are created by man. You notice them because you can't participate in them. The need to hit certain milestones and to be certain things. For economical reason....yeah you need to do this that or the other to be able to take care of yourself. But, if you can't really do the norm then you start to see life for what it really is.....life is an allotted amount of time to experience it. 

Everyone talks about God and has this positive yet realistic advice. And, that's great! For manners sake and karma, I nodded and agree. But, the truth is I don't really want to hear that shit. I don't want to be soothed, pacified or have it put in my head to feel sorry for myself or that God or whoever knows best. Fuck that! There is nothing educational about this part of the journey of my life. And, I'm quite sure without explanation that I don't want to buy what anyone is selling to me now or going to try to later. That's not meant to be disrespectful but it's like when you have expressed your thoughts on who you are, where you want to go and where you want to go....then you have someone giving you the same thing even if they wrap it in a new package. 

And, being in this experience that you can't think your way out of. When your viewed as some mastermind criminal baby. Then there are people trying to fish for moments when your supposedly this person. But, they never can call themselves out...no one see's how you were provoked and pushed to the absolute limit. It's not maddening but it's sad to see family, friends, strangers and idiot so intent on giving you the very life that their treacherous asses are trying to get out of. You want an apartment, a job, a better relationship or just a relationship, sex, money, elevation of status and more. But, look at me; I've hardly got any of those things. I want those things. I want to be able to bring the man I love and the friends I love home. I want have an apartment to have all the sex I want in. I want money to buy food and have great dinners. And, with people like that around you, I'll (and maybe you) will never get it. 

Beyond those people, of course, a big part of the problem in my life is that I spend so much time trying to get some space. And, I spend so much time trying to appease this person that I can't devote the time I need to, to my responsibilities. The responsibilities that could very well help me out in the long run. But, the thing that really bothers me about this idea, is the experience that I have just had trying to join a certain organization. Almost two years down the drain. Even when I was at my best; when I had an opportunity to work in education, I was robbed of that by people around me. But, what if I am really not enough for this world. Maybe I am too stupid, to crazy or sick! Then what's really bothersome about that idea is that people would fight me about it versus fighting for opportunities for me. 

I just don't know how to help myself or anybody else. And, believe it or not....whether my friends know it or not, my friends need help too. So I mourn them and I mourn them because of the guilt that comes with my association. I'd  probably fall on a sword if it would really help my friends. But, the reality is, that I really need someone to love me that much. Whatever the case, I'm going to have to make some changes and try something new. I don't want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I want truth and to be constructive. And, if I'm crying, I want to carry on. Death is sitting in one place and waiting. Living is doing something and trying some. Life is motion even if there is no goal or accomplishment at the end. All you can do is try to have fun and enjoy the people around you. 

That's So Petty

It bothers me that we could give so much power to petty things. It shouldn't matter how much money is in my account or that I go here or there. But, what I think the real issue is, is that the fact that I choose to live my life, unconcerned for others (only because I don't want to bother them) and it could affect others so drastically. And. I don't live as normally as others; I go to the same restaurants, same stores and I'm here at home. 

From the outside looking in; it's easy for other people to say, "We need to bring him down or we need to go ahead and stop him". But, wouldn't the truth be that, "Hey, we need to raise up from this petty existence". Wouldn't it be more honest to say and think that, "When I hurt my home or my community, I hurt myself as well". When you create drama, you create karma. And, it's not even that I am the one or someone I know is going to get you back. It's simply that, you are on the world stage. 

Sometimes I fear for and worry for a lot of the people who work over time on me. Part of me thinks that, can't see that it is a distraction and a dead situation. Even when I'm happy, part of me is still defeated. There is nothing living or even productive going on in my life. Even if I get a little extra cash, it doesn't matter because it's not a constant source. You've won and you can't even see that they way that I'm living is the closest to normal that you will allow. It's not me that won't allow but when you come in here with the meals that you come in with, the friends that you come in with, the rejections from friends and jobs that you come in with....etc. Wouldn't it be natural for me to reach out for love and kindness where I can get it. To find it where real people decide to walk beside me with their hands in front of me instead of with knives behind their back. 

Everyone wants to claim me but how could you really do such a thing. "He is my son or my friend.....yada yada". And, a child or friend is only ever going to belong to someone who actually treats them right. Someone who treats them like they are your own and with love and with respect. Some one who is fair. Now I don't mean to be disrespectful but I know me. I'm never go to accept, trust or roll with any one for long if they give me anything less. I've got nothing but time on my hands. We could go at this for as long as you want. But, I want you all to remember the life, happiness and the freedom you deny yourself when you take a boy and dress him up to be everything that's wrong. I can't control the weather, have no power over life or death, and can't control your bank accounts. But, if I could or ever did, it's simply because by your actions you gave that power to karma or me. 

My God, we've got to do better. We have to start looking at the big picture. 

Occurrence

I've never been one for violence but man I would mind seeing my brother on an episode of dynasty right about now.

Disclaimer (Jumbled Thoughts)

You can feel it in the air and you can even see it around you. Things are changing! They say that change is good but I often wonder about this. It feels like a set up to say, that the worst is behind me or us. But, I can still feel a massive weight trailing behind. And, if anything I wouldn't think that certain things are over because like I stated in earlier posts; everyone is looking for some scandalous information or a way to paralyze things. Something to pump up things or something like that. I’m scared but I’m prepared as best as I can be for the worst. But, I'm not just scared for myself but for other people. 

So I look at the people AROUND me and wonder what were becoming. And, what we will become in the name of the things that we do. For all the things that me and my loved ones or friends are called I only see those attributes in the name callers. It’s like the bible says, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone”. And, I can’t think of anyone whose without sin especially the guys who have condemn me but surely had sex with me or sent me naked photos. Sometimes I want ask some of these guys, so did you have sex with me because you liked me or because you had an agenda. If there was an agenda, that doesn’t look so good if were trying to be all by the book and righteous. You can sleep with me but you can’t be a real friend. 

Speaking of church, there is something that I see in church people that I see in business people. Now you might not understand this dialogue unless you go to church. But, They always bend things to fit their purposes. Like a church person will say that, “God told me to do this” or something like “the bible said that if I just do this in his name, I will be protected and provided for”. But, it always kind of baffles me that God would say or ask you to do something that goes against everything he claims to be. God is love, truth, respect, kindness, giving and much more. So how can you be so holy or doing the right thing when what your doing doesn't align with those virtues. 

If anything I just wish the things that people think they were doing, they were actually doing. 

I just wish that the people around me were feeding positivity and good works versus trying to be like witch hunters. Under different circumstances, they know that the things they do are not exactly politically correct but they do it anyway. And, when the tables turn or seasons change, they do not see that they have feed the fear or the caution that they live with. And, if we could all just let each other live and keep things positive. If we could just move in any direction and if control wasn’t such an important thing. I just don’t we've ever seen a friend or family member of mine every try to stop a good thing; thats partially because they never happen. And, if they did try and stop a good thing then they didn't know it was a good thing but anyway. 

Anyway, It’s this desire to achieve this goal that makes a change or the end impossible. Most people are just looking for the material things, promotions and justification that says I am the right and person while you are the wrong an bad person. It’s the win-lose scenario. But, no situation is perfect! No one can always be an angel. All I know is I never looked at the guys I slept with or the people I’ve done business with as horrible people until they did horrible things. Before I looked at most of them as people who contributed something to my life or some who gave me a chance when I needed one. Maybe I am wrong about the people I speak of but one thing is for sure, they could have gone about a lot of things in a much better way. 

 In the end, my life and the situations around my life are bad. And, the scars from this horrible design in my life has made me a little unsure, its made afraid to open up and its even made me paranoid from time to time. Recently I did something to hurt other people….I wasn't trying to, I didn’t mean to. And, I am afraid that I might have hurt one person in particular and Im sorry about it. If anything I was hurt person just trying to carry on. This life will make you crazy; just like when you love someone so much. It will make you lose people. It will make them forget you and vice versa. There is nothing to hold on to and nobody can really make it alone in this world. It’s great to have people to talk to and know that your loved but it’s just me here…..alone….going bad things with everyone I know and see. And, I try to support other people especially people who truly support me and believe in me. Sometimes I just really need someone to be here with me. Not someone who I have to second guess drastically like a lot of people around me. I love myself but like I said nobody can truly make it on their own. Acting crazy or weak can sometimes make you lose the people who you care about. And, your crazy because you don't want to lose the love and friendship you. You don't want to be less or not enough. Next to freedom, love is one of the most important things in life. 

*Disclaimer: Sorry if I threw anyone under the bus. Get the message, don’t get offended. If you don't believe or understand what I am saying, you'd have to be in my life to get it. Your representative is merely just that. If you want to know what war is really like you go to the battle field. The news can only give you so much. 

The Hamas Truth

The days go by and I wonder what is the truth and where do the lies come from. People all over the world live in so many different situations; some worst than others and you hear so many stories. And, I watch so many peoples and countries that are close to each other act like animals. Even in Europe, I've seen friends say so many harsh things about people that just want to be their friend. 

So it would make anyone from the outside looking in wonder; whose really the bad guy. Who is really right or wrong? But, what really makes me upset is why would these people act like children. Kind of like the who Israeli vs. Hamas conflict. The news makes the Hamas look like terrorist and horrible people. But, could it really be that these people are just fighting not only for their lives but for their livelihood; which seems to be controlled by the Israelis. 

If this scenario is true about the Hamas then I understand. I know what it's like to feel like you have to fight. I know what it's to feel oppressed and if you've never been oppressed then you can't begin to understand. The violence is wrong but I know that if you've tried everything that you can and suffered but have got no where....you would be feed up too. 

Most of this generation doesn't know or remember what it's like to be oppressed so it's easy to judge. What most people here and far know about is the past and this new age of terrorism. But, what they fail to see is that history and even news is told by the winners. And, if it isn't told by the winners it's told by the cheaters. 

And, that's something that I've grown to hate about people especially when it comes to me and my past. I think to myself, How could so many people put so much energy in to hate when they have never met you or weren't there for your past. How could they be so passionate about your circumstances when they have never ever been to your house. It's hurtful!!! And, it doesn't make sense to me. Atleast be neutral and accept things; accept my truth.

Your Little Boy (Letters To A Few Guys I Know)

Maybe I am selfish. Maybe at this very moment, I should be proud for other people. Maybe my selfishness is making me a hater. Maybe I should submit. Maybe all of this negativity is suppose to be some kind of reverse psychology. But, I just can’t see it and I wish that I could because I don’t like having problems. 

But, the truth us I can’t see it. First of all, I just wanted to say if I treated you like you treat me, how would you feel? Secondly, do I ever treat you this way? Thirdly, how am I ever suppose to respect you if you can’t be respectful? Fourthly, if your suppose to be a leader and I am suppose to follow….isn’t my state of well being a reflection of you? Fifthly, how am I suppose to ever be a leader of this person that you say that I am not, if you keep treating me like this?

Its like if you wanted my attention or something, then why lie to me….why lead me astray? Were you ever really looking at me. Did you ever notice that I was trying to give you the best. Did you notice that I was keeping on the level with you. Did you notice that I was including you? Did you know that I just bought you something? Did you notice that I cared?

Don’t you think I know you? Don’t you think that I know there is something in it for you to be this way? Something that meant more to you than family and friendship. Your not the first and your not the last to be this way to me. And, the reason why your the perfect subject is because your the closest to me. You could hurt me more than most others.

How quickly we forget months before when you complain about being home. When you cursed the things that sustain you now. When we exchanged glances over a mutually seen mess and nodded in agreement. Not that we are close. You think you know whats going on in my life and yet you still don't know. The irony is that you do me, the way that I do you. 

On the other hand is maybe if you knew me better, you wouldn’t do me like your doing me right now. But, I guess I should know better. I can’t even get my old friends to get to know me. I can’t get my old friends to be my friends. Words, love and affection don’t mean anything in the line of duty. The whole time my words were soft and kind. The whole time my words were thoughtful. But, you will hate me because I said them. 

My silence is not my weakness; it is my strength and restraint. It is sword and my shield. It is myself listening to you. It is the respect that I give you; that you run over. It is the space that I give you to spread and roll out over everything. It is the hope that you will change. It is the hope that things will change. It’s me laying at God’s feet. But, what you will only see is submission, tears and bursts anger….all you ever needed to keep me your little boy. 

Surrounded

Sometimes it's feels so tight like I can't breathe. Everyone is so interested in information and finding out something. Instead of being forward, which we all make impossible, we wait and we wait. Something that's done most commonly to criminals because underneath it all, we love to catch people in the act. Beyond catching someone in the act, we want it know how to hide the things in our lives that we don't want to see. 

I'm seeing a renewed since of power and assurance in my surroundings. I would almost feel happy for everyone else if I didn't have my doubts. I've seen my surroundings like this for too long. I've seen the abuse of power. I've seen people get away with murder. And, that's why they run during the change of the seasons. 

My heart breaks over it! As if I didn't have enough to deal with in my personal life. Now having to deal with the pressure and  all the rumors the come from the speculations of others. All of it conflicting! Less than a half of it true, a half of it lied and the rest of it doesn't make sense. And, this is why privacy is needed in relationships of all sorts. There is nothing wrong with wanting to know what's going on. But, it's a problem when certain information starts to flow through all sorts of channels because then you get this. You get all kinds of stories and lies. 

I feel like I'm going into manic panic. Who I am to my core what's to run every motherfucker I have a problem with right now and start wrecking shit. I just want to let off the steam; say how I feel. But, I know it won't help. If anything it will make my case, a lot worse. I know this sounds awful but I just wished somebody felt as bad as I do. And, understood what it feels like to be me right now. Nobody, not anybody could know what it feels like to be me right now. 

The ironic thing is that at this very moment, there is something or someone who wants to know for their own purposes. All of which does me no good. But, life goes on! I'm not sure what's next. Yet I know that I better stay calm because the shit has been taken to the next level. Choosing peace is getting harder and harder. 

Occurrence

There is always that one thing about the picture of my life that's wrong....no matter if I'm right or wrong. It never fails that my home gangs up on me. It's never dished out to everybody but everybody loves to team up when it comes to me. And, the arrogance.......

Is the karma really not unexplainable? 

Means Nothing

The energy has been turned up so high here….all night. Who knows what it could be. Maybe its the summer or the full moon in the sky. But, whatever the case, you can feel the change in the air. Change is not always a bad thing usually I think its a bad thing because its usually always directed at me. Yet on the other hand, I know what its like to be held down by the thoughts of others. 

The truth is there are many sides to me. Who I am today is not necessarily, who I will be tomorrow. Its not that I have a split personality or that I am putting on a show. I think people who are like that, are not necessarily good. But, the truth is we as people evolve. And, when you’ve lived as many lives as I have lived, there is bound to be some extremes in that evolution. Not many people would understand but it means nothing. 

So I look at the changes around me and wonder is the evolution. Could this be the beginning of a fresh start. And, I think of the possibilities. What if all the same old bad things and routines didn’t mean anything. What if we didn’t look at every move as a scheme to get the jump on. Just how much easier would life be if things could be that way. It would be soooo nice to shop, fuck and several other things…and it means nothing. 

Coping With It

I've tried my hardest to be accepting of certain people, places and things. But, I'm not perfect...I'm just human. When I know something is wrong or I can just feel that something is wrong, I just naturally turn away. But, I recognize that it's important to maintain relationships with people. If not to be friends, to just a least understand and maintain lines of communication. The last time I had this opportunity, I failed and I had to let the relationship go. 

On my vacation in 2013, everything was failing. So I was kicked out of where I was staying and my money was extremely tight. And, I was looking forward to staying in Belgium. It was my 27th birthday and being with my best buds was going to be amazing. So after waiting and getting turned around at the airport; I finally meet my friend and we head to his and his room mates home. However when I get there, I'm greeted by another American. 

He was everything I tend to dislike about my African American roots. And, he worked in fashion and television. So that made him even more of a character. He was everything I wanted to be away from while on vacation. I just wanted to be in the countryside and have fun. But I got this feeling of competition like he wanted to make me a fool and like he wanted to assert ownership over my friends. And, my friends don't know me that way. We never fight or have problems; it's always a good time. 

My friend who picked me up at the airport knew something was wrong with me. He pulled me over to the side and had a conversation with me. And, I calmed down; I had to remember what a father figure in my life would say at that moment. The next few days were a test; he stayed almost the whole time I was there. But, the blessing in all of it was that we kind of got to see inside of each other. I could see that he was just another black kid from the ghetto trying to defy the odds; just like me and just like Omar. The only difference between me and them is that they were on the "winning side" of life. 

He was sweet when he could be even though I discovered that I was not the only one who disliked him. But, the difference between me and him is that, he lived abroad. He didn't have to go back home to Georgia like I did to California. He was more involved with their lives! And, I just couldn't understand how my friends could keep someone in their lives who was basically the cause and cure of so much controversy. And, how could they not see me. I mean....Forget me! Yeah, I am not a bed roses when it comes to controversy. But, I just don't understand how they couldn't see it or what! I wanted to communicate my thoughts and feelings to them. I wanted them to do something. These guys were more than my friends, they are my heroes. 

But, in the end....you can't fight a hurricane. It's better to be beside someone then against them. And, I watched my friends change and becom more like him. I watched them believe him and I felt further away from them than I already did. And, I tried to stay in my place and just go with it. But, I couldn't do it. It's hard to maintain a relationship with them especially since my family seems to hate or distrust them with a passion. I don't know what it is but it's something about them that just rubs my Mom and Aunt the wrong way. They come up in arms over them and they have never even met them. Belgium just sets people off on alert for some reason. Keep in mind that these are some of the most non confrontational people in the world. They look down on things that are offensive and distasteful. They would sooner chat with you than fight you. 

State Of The Union

It always surprises me what some people don't know these days. It seems that nothing is secret these days so I'm never really surprised when someone knows something about my life or has clues to my past. For ever reason, I've always attracted and been surrounded by noisy people. 

But, it's always shocking what people don't seem to recognize. And, there is a few common things that people don't see but I think the number one thing people don't see is themselves. They don't see the pain or devastation left behind their foot steps. And, even more so I question the morality behind others actions. 

It's made me kind of come to the point where I favor fairness and justice so much that if I do something wrong, I hope that I'm given fair and due process. This is because I'm seeing myself in others eyes, I'm learning more about life and much more. And, I just don't want to love the wrong things. I don't want to do the wrong things because I know about devastation. I know about pain, heartbreak and suffering.

That's something that I have seen in a lot of other people too. It's a lot easier to give someone something that, they have never had. It's a lot easier to use a power if your not on the battlefield and see the devastation. It's easy to sit in your cushy life with all your benefits and options, and to just hand out orders and punishment. If you've never had something to bring you on your hands and knees then you have no idea. If you've never been treated the way that you have treated people then your not going to get it. 

Awakening to yourself is hard in any capacity. If you get the message from someone else, then your most likely going to be ready to shoot the messenger. So many times, I've said to people, this is this, this is what it is. And, it's like no one ever believes me. Everyone has to take it too far or see for themselves. Even though in truth, in a more fair and somewhat natural world we wouldn't have this problem. Some people are just too strong to talk to. They are too crafty to talk to. They are too tricky to talk to. And, because they live this lifestyle, I don't know if they assume everyone is like that. 

But, once again, here in exists a blind spot or where morality fails. The love and the kindness can't be seen. The connect and the road travelled. Some people can't exist with you because they stand on the wrong side of history; the wrong side of your history. A history that they weren't really involved in or could really see. You can't choose love and baby sit the needs of hate. Furthermore, you can't love me correctly when you sit with people who don't necessarily understand  you, know you and hate you. 

To expand on that thought, everybody loves something. We are not made of stone. But, our work and lifestyle kills our hearts. As much as we would like to connect and have sunshine. We just can't connect; what's at stake on both ends is too much. As much we've run and hide so many of theirs have done the same if not only for different reasons. I've tried my hardest to encourage peace and to push forward the idea of a settlement. But, when we give up, that's usually when fate allows. Now they want to impress you but I know what had been will always continue. 

Due to recent events, I havent felt so hopeless and unsure of the future. It's all sooooooo black. I just don't see how there will be an ending or even a happy one. I'm going to need to pray for some enlightenment or patience. It might be time for me to start looking in to my plan b. 

The Blast From The Past

It's 1:19 am and I've been up for about twenty fours. I'm tired but then again I am not tired. So much has happened in this span of time. Normally I would remember or have something in mind that I would like to write earlier. So I'm kind of at a disadvantage; I've been so on the go that I haven't really had time to just kind of digest my thoughts and feelings. 

Yesterday I had a meeting with an old friend of mines. A friend that I mentioned in yesterday's blog. Normally I wouldn't bother him but it kind of felt like an appropriate time to catch up. And, it was really a good thing to catch up on things in our lives. He is still the same person that I met 14 years ago underneath the grown man he has become. 

It's good to know that some relationships don't change even thought the circumstances sometimes do. I wish that I could go back in time and right all the wrongs in the way of our friendship but I can't. So instead of spoiling our meeting; I tired to keep it light and fun. Everything is pretty much the same in our lives. He has a new boy, same job and still at no total total satisfaction! Meanwhile, I've got no job and feel the same way. 

Well I don't know for sure if will meet up again. In many ways I think we're good the way that we are now. There is no point to trying to rush up a friendship especially if it's a friendship that everyone wants to end. Well, this is all I have for now. Let me sleep and I promise a more entertaining blog later. 

The Last Time We Talked

There are some situations that I dont talk about. There is a code that we have in the hood that says “No Snitching”. Now I kind of walk the fine line between talking about my business and telling other peoples business. And, what I am going to talk about is somebody else’s business. But, a while back I kind of got an okay to talk about this and I hope that okay is still valid today. 

The story actually begins in May of 2012, we were moving from our old place to our current place. The neighborhood was a totally different place. At that time, there was no pretense. There were people that I met on the first day that were so kind and offered us moving carts and all kinds of stuff to help us move in. My best female friend got another old school friends of ours and a friend of hers to help me move our stuff in. By the end of the day, they were gone, my ipod was missing and I was exhausted. 

Even though I was tired, I went ahead and started to move stuff on my own. In the front of my building there is a clearing. You could kind of call it a balcony to the street and a muscular black guy called out to me. He asked if I needed help. And, I said yes plus offered to pay him. Front the night on we stayed in contact always chatting when we say each other around the building. He lived in the building next door but he was always over here. And, from what I can tell, everyone in this building knew him and loved him. Even I loved him! 

When things were changing in the apartment complex. He saw me and on the street running one night and he pulled me over for a conversation. He told me that everyone in this apartment complex was nice and very helpful. And, I told him that, that was great! He knew nothing of my past and I wanted no one to know about it. So I told him, “I just want to stay to myself. I don’t want to get involved with anybody. I don’t want to have any trouble or drama”. He respected that and we talked about him going to college….something that he wanted to do and some other things. 

On November 27th, while my family was on vacation in Arizona for Thanksgiving, I was home alone and bored. At the time, my friend Omar and I were going through it. For some reason, he was acting different in our friendship and I wanted to show him some love. He loves clothes and he loved to get all my old skinny clothes. So this next paragraph is a blog post that I wrote in my old blog on November 28th at 3:15 AM. 

So on a whim I decided to go and give away some of my old clothes to a friend. Ended up meeting with him and another friend. Had a wonderful conversation about all kinds of things under the sun. Which was very healthy, healing and some what fun. But, that was not the cherry on top of the night. So after this meeting, I went to Mc Donalds and then made my way home. To be told by a police officer that I can't go in my house. They were looking for an armed man. So now I have to park on the street away from my house while cops and ghetto birds (choppers) flying all over the place. After almost an hour, I can go in the house. So I go in my building, park underground, come up the steps and go down the walk way then BAM! There was a gun laying out in the open. So I hurry down the steps and speed walk to the front of the building. There I call the cops and wait for them. They come and pick up the gun and escort me to the door. It was scary but awesome!

So what I didn't talk about in this blog post was what happened just before I left. So I gathered up all the clothes and made my way down stairs. And, I went to the garage and there was the guy, my friend, sitting next to my car with a young girl. They were drinking alcohol and laughing. But, he left her side and ran up to me. He asked me for a cigarette like he always does. He asked where I was going. And, when I looked at him, it almost looked like he wanted to come with me. And, I almost asked him but I resisted. We said our goodbyes and that was it. So all those things happened in the paragraph above. 

That night I listened to screams and got phone calls from the police. Then I got paranoid because who ever left that gun might have seen me give it to the police. The next morning or that night I called my Mom and told her what happened. Naturally she freaked out and was ready to come home. But, I told her everything is fine and she came home on schedule a few days later. 

After being in the apartment alone for days or weeks, there was no food in the house. So my Mom decided to walk to the store. When she got back, she told me that she saw a memorial to my friend in the building on the street. And, then it all dawned on me; the screams, the gun and everything. Somebody killed my friend! The only friend that I had in the area. My feelings were hurt and there was no one in the building that I could say what happened to. I couldn't tell his family the story because I didn't know who they were. 

After that I stopped running in the area and only have a few times since then. I miss him! He was a good guy. And, I hope that his family and friends, got some justice and relief over his passing. If not they deserve some, nobody so young should die so senselessly. God bless him! There are only three people that I have told this story to…my friend in London and my friends in Belgium. But, now I share this story with you guys. Cherish people! I just never thought I would be one of the last people to see or talk to someone before he died. 

http://laissezfaireusa.blogspot.com/2012/11/occurrence_28.html?zx=c63085ffe93a900e

Fair Weather For Food

Today I’m not feeling pretty. To be honest I am feeling ugly and bloated. I didn't know it was all the way possible to get tired of your self. Tired of bad stuff, complex people and tired of feeling bad (mentally and physically). Maybe a more accurate description of how I feel is “I’m sick and tired of being sick and being sick and tired. But, I’m fighting to stay positive and productive because this attitude is self defeating. 

But, I feel as if I could just get this negativity out of my system then I would be alright. Its one of those days that I would delight in taking comfort in my friends; a hug would do me good. But, since none of that is possible normally I would delight myself in one of my favorite food treats but  I think I have been treated enough. It’s funny how the things we want, can cause us so much trouble. 

I’m miserable because of fair weather friends and food. There are so many people who criticize the way that I go about my life. And, it’s true….I’m nuts. I’m completely nuts about the people that love me, that are my friends, that are completely innocent and are unaware. Like if I know that the person next to me has a knife behind their back and it’s destined for you. I know I cant talk that person down but I might be able to save a life. I could try to block, run interference or tell that person. 

The downside is that I have tainted my area. And, everyone in my area is going to want to protect my area but not like I did. Its hard to promote harmony in my life when there are clannish mentalities at play. We all have a sense of who “us” is and then “them”. Until we all can see each other as “us” then it is impossible to care for others. You will always have to make that hard choice and face criticism from others. And, then to face that same kind of criticism from someone who you’ve fought for, who has fallen for you and more. 

That kind of person is fair-weather friend, when things are good, they will talk to you and be there for you. But, when things are down they are telling your business, running your name through the mud and more. Like telling everyone their assumptions of you. And, I don’t know how to deal with that. The only way that I know how to deal with that peacefully is to just leave them. To not feed them anymore about me. 

It’s depressing! I absolutely hate it. And, I find myself in the kitchen rummaging through containers like anything that can be resealed is full of whatever it is that makes Americans fats. And, I find myself eating lots of pre packed; high in sugar, salts and fats. After some of the days that I have dealing with people and work, I don’t have the time or energy to fix something healthy nor the money to eat well. So I try to stuff myself on whatever I can find all while trying not to get sick. 

I know that I have to make some changes but the more that I make changes. It seems like things in my world try hard to bring me right back where I started! This is something that a few friends can testify to. Recently I tried to quit smoking. I’ll spare you the story as even now I am pressed for time. But, I will say that I can’t change or grow alone. If I am in an environment that cant roll with changes in me or that is all in my personal stuff and damaging things that pertain to me then I cant do much. Its safe to say that this is the case with me and its been this way for years. 

Sink or Swim

I'm swimming in new and uncharted waters in my life. It used to be that I ran away when I sensed actual danger but now I run away when I sense the possibility of danger. They say life is about taking chances and accepting the possibility that you might get hurt. Well I’m dealing with more than just the possibility of some hurt feelings. Hurt feelings I can deal with in my own time. But, it’s like to the point where your lifestyle, finances and physical being are in danger just by letting the wrong person into your life. 

And, none of that means anything to anybody. My little life is something I am just very careful about. But, when I look at the results of what I’ve done to myself, I just get upset with myself and I get upset with my life. Two years ago, my life was small like it is now but I had a lot more wiggle room. So I had a few more people I could count on as hook ups and friends; so I had a few places to go. I’d run for at least an hour or so. And, sometimes I would take myself out to the movies or just drive to the beach just to be alone for a little while.

But, I recognize that I don’t do any of those things anymore. I don’t do anything! During those years, I had worries but I could always leave those worries at home and be a semi normal person for a little while. But, these days my problems follow me so closely. So now I stay home! And, in two years I gained over thirty pounds. Where its my fault is that I was in love and got comfortable with just that. Secondly, I started to eat more because I smoked pot. And lastly, the quality of food was not always good. 

Even though I love fast food, soda, ice cream and cakes, I dont have that stuff everyday. But, for some reason the weight just comes on so much faster since I’ve been here. The awkward thing is where I was before my body and joints would lock up and cramp so bad. But, now I am just always exhausted and tired; I just feel sluggish. It’s easy to blame the food and less exercise but I wonder if it’s because or also because I’m not happy. And, I wonder if my lack of social interaction makes these days even harder. 

The truth is I love people especially people of the gay male variety. I love to entertain men. In a past life, I think I most have been a Madam or owned my own brothel. I know this is going to sound crazy but I look at so many gay men and the gay is not there. You know…the happiness! The superficiality and natural protocol of online relationships is there. You know…..”Where are you from”, “More photos” and all that junk. And, every guy wants to and needs to feel special. I love to make people laugh and blush! 

These days I find myself cowering from men. My charm used to really break the ice but its so hard to reach guys these days. I like to make everyone feel like an old friend (and some of them become old friends). But, it is a challenge these days, I don’t know how to handle these guys. I don’t like to be uncomfortable yet at the same time, I dont want to make some one else uncomfortable. So I leave! 

Now I am making a third attempt with a guy that we will call D. At the beginning of this year, if you would have asked me who I wanted to be with….it was him. But then the fear came and it was like he was taken from me. Whether he was right or wrong, the insecurity in me, from what Ive been through could only see him now as someone who was apart of that fear. And, there was nobody that I trusted or knew that could tell me differently. 

But, I know that growing up means swimming in waters like this. It means dealing with people and carrying on. But, growing up also means depending on people and having a foundation in your life. For all of my negative critics, shame on you for judging! I’m making my way in this world with nothing. And, giving away all of my nothing for free. Everything I am not is due to lack of investment and everything I am is due to interest. Could you make your way through the day without any resources and a gang of people on your ass?