Broken Circle

I'm more than 75% sure that their are snakes in my life. And, when I say that, I have to have a different sentiment. It used to be that I had a a close circle of friends. And, I was able to keep all the bad things out. They were at the gates of my life but they weren't necessarily in my life. 

But, the circle is breaking and things are most definitely changing. You hear and you read so much bullshit about other people. So when I start to hear it about people that I love; it really puts you off. And, it's worrisome because if it's true then how do you love a friend through whatever their going through whilst they are biting you up. 

What I hate about the things that break up relationships is not just the loss of the friendship but the loss of things that friendships give underneath the surface. For example, I can't tell and don't want my Mom to know what I like in the bedroom. That's none of her business and depending on the relationship that you have with your parents then it can be down right disrespectful. And, it doesn't matter if I have met this person that I call friend or not. All that matters is that, it's real friendship. 

Being home is all illusions and confusion. And, I look at the situations and relationships that I have going on... And, I think to myself, "God, don't let me break up a relationship or good situation because of all the manipulation". I know I'm not perfect and sometimes I get it wrong but all I have to go on is what I see and what I know. Sometimes the view is messed up when your in the battlefield. Furthermore, sometimes it's not that I've got it wrong; it's others. They might is interpret me in so many ways. 

And, I look at myself and think....."If there was anybody meant to be going through what I am going through then it isn't me". I know there is suppose to be a lesson in all of this but I feel like I'm on the losing side of life. And, it doesn't help to have the people that are immediate to you, are helping you right down the line. 

I'm not sure what to do right now. My life is changing, my routine is broken, the positive changes I was making in my life are in reverse....and I was hoping that I could just go ahead. All I really want these days is to be happy. It's one of the only things that matter in life.