Contradictory

Life is interesting! Today a situation came to my attention. My God son’s were staying over and the oldest one was hungry. Normally, thats all you have to say and my mother will feed you. But, his mother said, “All he does when he comes over there is eat”. And, I wondered why he might do such a thing. I know its not because he starving or anything negative. But, I came to the conclusion that he was doing it simply because he was free to indulge himself and to live how he wanted. It might not be such a deep response that you would get from an eight year old. But, seeing this made me think about myself. 

My life is not so different from him. Being at home there is so much that I can’t do. There are so many people that feel the need to reign over me or control; even at this very moment. There are so many restrictions and so many things that are wrong or bad. Which often makes you feel like, “Why does everything I want, like and need so bad?”. If this is the case then I must be a bad person. And, if this is not the case then I must be surrounded by some really bad people or people who do bad things. 

Now what I am about to say, no many people will admit to but almost everybody in the world these days does. At least everybody in my world does it which might say a lot about the society that we/I live in. We all go to the places, support places and cater to places that make us feel better or that lift us up in return. And, I do it too! More than genuinely liking my foreign friends, I love being with them because when I am with them in what ever capacity, I have the life that everyone else has, I have my own life and more. Now before some negative Nancy chops it up to me using people; its not like that! I don’t ask my friends for anything, they dont give me things (well….sometimes) but it is the pleasure of their company that I really desire. 

A couple hours ago, I woke up and had a message from an O.C. friend. Will call him Doppelgänger because he looks like an older version of my Colorado boy. Like this guy looks like he could be his Dad or older brother. I’m surprised that no one has mentioned it but then again, I don’t have anybody around me who would notice. Anyway, I look at these guys and I know that I could never own them. Not literally! But, I look at them and see that they will always belong to something else before they are just my friends. And, that means that we could never really be friends if they could be swayed so easily. Friendship is love. And, love is patient, kind, it isn't self seeking. It’s having someone in your corner at all times. Its someone to share your secrets with. Its a comrade! Its not easily swayed when someone else comes and whispers negative things in their ears. 

And, I look at my life locally and think to myself; I can’t be happy here. And, the more that I fight to have my own life and my own friends, the worst that things become for me here. It wouldn't matter if I had my foreign friends here or not. It wouldn't matter if my foreign friends moved here and constructed a life here with me. The difference is that my life would be just like those friends staying power or when my God son goes home, as soon as your away or you turn your head that life would be over. 

It takes a lot of courage and strength to be strong when the whole of your world is trying to tell your wrong. But, can’t see or respect that I’m a human being just like them and that I have basic human needs like privacy, friendship, sex, and love. Just this week, each of those basic needs have been infringed upon yet I don’t do that to other people. Nothing that I do is a horrible as what people do to me. I’m surrounded by people who lied to me, stole from me, used my friends and much more. 

In all the love I have coming in from one direction and the hate that I have coming in from another is mostly in the name of what I am not capable of. It’s hard to be capable of anything if nothing is possible for you. So it’s hard to think about a life here or building something because of all the trouble that comes with it. Your doubters are going to push your buttons to the extreme at any chance or opportunity especially to prove their right in the eyes of competition. Your supporters may love you but it’s never enough. 

And, all that I can think about is how contradictory it all is. More than anything I just wish that I wasn't here. Nothing is ever going to be accomplished. Here it is not about me so much these days as it is getting to everyone that loves and supports me, so that they are just like them and under their thumb. After everything I’ve been through, I doubt that I will be anything amazing. And, I am not too smart so I doubt I will ever be as important like most of my friends. But, maybe I am wrong but I know that I will never know for sure until I get out of here. All I really want to do and really want to have is a decent life, with people who understand and care. I’m tired of fighting; I want love and be loved. I want fresh water and air. I want the feeling of being safe on my street. Those are my main goals for right now and that’s all that I really want. Once I get there, I know life will be much better.