But, I'm mourning the loss of interest, the loss of innocence, the loss of promise, the loss of time and most importantly the good times. Plus, the good times that will never be seen. The funny thing you learn when you stay in one place for so long is all the things that are created by man. You notice them because you can't participate in them. The need to hit certain milestones and to be certain things. For economical reason....yeah you need to do this that or the other to be able to take care of yourself. But, if you can't really do the norm then you start to see life for what it really is.....life is an allotted amount of time to experience it.
Everyone talks about God and has this positive yet realistic advice. And, that's great! For manners sake and karma, I nodded and agree. But, the truth is I don't really want to hear that shit. I don't want to be soothed, pacified or have it put in my head to feel sorry for myself or that God or whoever knows best. Fuck that! There is nothing educational about this part of the journey of my life. And, I'm quite sure without explanation that I don't want to buy what anyone is selling to me now or going to try to later. That's not meant to be disrespectful but it's like when you have expressed your thoughts on who you are, where you want to go and where you want to go....then you have someone giving you the same thing even if they wrap it in a new package.
And, being in this experience that you can't think your way out of. When your viewed as some mastermind criminal baby. Then there are people trying to fish for moments when your supposedly this person. But, they never can call themselves out...no one see's how you were provoked and pushed to the absolute limit. It's not maddening but it's sad to see family, friends, strangers and idiot so intent on giving you the very life that their treacherous asses are trying to get out of. You want an apartment, a job, a better relationship or just a relationship, sex, money, elevation of status and more. But, look at me; I've hardly got any of those things. I want those things. I want to be able to bring the man I love and the friends I love home. I want have an apartment to have all the sex I want in. I want money to buy food and have great dinners. And, with people like that around you, I'll (and maybe you) will never get it.
Beyond those people, of course, a big part of the problem in my life is that I spend so much time trying to get some space. And, I spend so much time trying to appease this person that I can't devote the time I need to, to my responsibilities. The responsibilities that could very well help me out in the long run. But, the thing that really bothers me about this idea, is the experience that I have just had trying to join a certain organization. Almost two years down the drain. Even when I was at my best; when I had an opportunity to work in education, I was robbed of that by people around me. But, what if I am really not enough for this world. Maybe I am too stupid, to crazy or sick! Then what's really bothersome about that idea is that people would fight me about it versus fighting for opportunities for me.
I just don't know how to help myself or anybody else. And, believe it or not....whether my friends know it or not, my friends need help too. So I mourn them and I mourn them because of the guilt that comes with my association. I'd probably fall on a sword if it would really help my friends. But, the reality is, that I really need someone to love me that much. Whatever the case, I'm going to have to make some changes and try something new. I don't want to cry and feel sorry for myself. I want truth and to be constructive. And, if I'm crying, I want to carry on. Death is sitting in one place and waiting. Living is doing something and trying some. Life is motion even if there is no goal or accomplishment at the end. All you can do is try to have fun and enjoy the people around you.
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