There is one thing that almost everyone that I know has in common and its that they might not necessarily like a part of me. Like you might like my personality but you might not like the things that I do. And, that’s fine I guess. I know that my crazy ways have done just as much good as bad. So you can hate me or love me but I can guarantee you’ll love to love me. In the end, I am a guy doing the best that I can with what I got.
Anyway, lately, I have been fighting with two ideologies! The first one is that there are people in life that are not going to like you or that you just can’t work with. The second one is more positive. Its the idea that I have the power to change my life and my circumstances. With this power I can change relationships, cultivate new ones and make more opportunities come alive in my life.
This has been on my mind even more so now after I had a conversation with a new friend. My new friend is an older gentleman that lives out in Palm Springs. He is very accomplished; a veteran, cover model and president of a car club. I’m not sure how we got to the subject, my brain is really tired, but he just broke down life and “The Spirit” in such an eloquent way. My mind was completely blown. This is why I love older men; I live to learn about things (even though I am kind of awful at school).
So I wanted him to know that I received his message, I believed his message and he is pretty much right. Yet I had to tell him like I had to tell so many of my other older gentlemen friends and lovers, “Where I live and am in my life is a different world? If you lived in it, you would not be who you are right now. You might feel differently and have a higher sense of urgency to get out of here”. Now I didn't say this exactly like this but I said it in so many words. I’m trying not lay my load of problems on others.
The truth is I am trying to get to that place and peace that he speaks of. But, at the same time, I just know that its not going to happen here, not right now. I look at the past and thing about past times when I was in this same exact position. Before I was feeling and had been really neglected and abused. But, It was was put in my heart to be better, lay my burdens down and that the past was over. And, in the return I was pacified, played and my kindness was taken for weakness.
And, I look at recent incidents with friends where I was really trying to break out of my shell and extend my friendship……..and it just ended horribly wrong. Its like everyone I try to get into contact with locally is just trying to start a fight. Like they are just trying their hardest to start world war three. And, I look at these times and see why I cant get to that place of peace in my life. It’s confusion on both ends of line. It’s selfishness brought from a desire to win and from fear. Like I wrote in my last blog post; “people are going to choose themselves. And, I cant deal with that! Its like trying to shake hands with a person who has been conditioned to hate certain things; they got one hand tied back and a knife in the other. You can shake their hand but eventually you will get cut. And, a confused person will be happy to give it to you.
It kind of goes back to the beginning of this post; certain people like certain things about me. And, that means that almost everybody will like me or be good/bad to me up unto a point. At a certain point, that like converts into some thing else. And, I can’t love people who are half stepping in my life. Its holding me back from the place of peace that I want to be in. There are some people who or cant like you. There are some people who are determined not to like you; they don't want peace, they don't want to talk, they don’t want to work with you, they are extremely judgmental and they want to see you worst off. Even if they are wrong, they will use whatever against you and count on others to agree that the ends justified the means. And, anybody that tells you differently most likely has a knife in their hand. Letting them go is the kindest thing you can do for yourself.
No comments:
Post a Comment