I'm swimming in new and uncharted waters in my life. It used to be that I ran away when I sensed actual danger but now I run away when I sense the possibility of danger. They say life is about taking chances and accepting the possibility that you might get hurt. Well I’m dealing with more than just the possibility of some hurt feelings. Hurt feelings I can deal with in my own time. But, it’s like to the point where your lifestyle, finances and physical being are in danger just by letting the wrong person into your life.
And, none of that means anything to anybody. My little life is something I am just very careful about. But, when I look at the results of what I’ve done to myself, I just get upset with myself and I get upset with my life. Two years ago, my life was small like it is now but I had a lot more wiggle room. So I had a few more people I could count on as hook ups and friends; so I had a few places to go. I’d run for at least an hour or so. And, sometimes I would take myself out to the movies or just drive to the beach just to be alone for a little while.
But, I recognize that I don’t do any of those things anymore. I don’t do anything! During those years, I had worries but I could always leave those worries at home and be a semi normal person for a little while. But, these days my problems follow me so closely. So now I stay home! And, in two years I gained over thirty pounds. Where its my fault is that I was in love and got comfortable with just that. Secondly, I started to eat more because I smoked pot. And lastly, the quality of food was not always good.
Even though I love fast food, soda, ice cream and cakes, I dont have that stuff everyday. But, for some reason the weight just comes on so much faster since I’ve been here. The awkward thing is where I was before my body and joints would lock up and cramp so bad. But, now I am just always exhausted and tired; I just feel sluggish. It’s easy to blame the food and less exercise but I wonder if it’s because or also because I’m not happy. And, I wonder if my lack of social interaction makes these days even harder.
The truth is I love people especially people of the gay male variety. I love to entertain men. In a past life, I think I most have been a Madam or owned my own brothel. I know this is going to sound crazy but I look at so many gay men and the gay is not there. You know…the happiness! The superficiality and natural protocol of online relationships is there. You know…..”Where are you from”, “More photos” and all that junk. And, every guy wants to and needs to feel special. I love to make people laugh and blush!
These days I find myself cowering from men. My charm used to really break the ice but its so hard to reach guys these days. I like to make everyone feel like an old friend (and some of them become old friends). But, it is a challenge these days, I don’t know how to handle these guys. I don’t like to be uncomfortable yet at the same time, I dont want to make some one else uncomfortable. So I leave!
Now I am making a third attempt with a guy that we will call D. At the beginning of this year, if you would have asked me who I wanted to be with….it was him. But then the fear came and it was like he was taken from me. Whether he was right or wrong, the insecurity in me, from what Ive been through could only see him now as someone who was apart of that fear. And, there was nobody that I trusted or knew that could tell me differently.
But, I know that growing up means swimming in waters like this. It means dealing with people and carrying on. But, growing up also means depending on people and having a foundation in your life. For all of my negative critics, shame on you for judging! I’m making my way in this world with nothing. And, giving away all of my nothing for free. Everything I am not is due to lack of investment and everything I am is due to interest. Could you make your way through the day without any resources and a gang of people on your ass?
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