A Sense Of Betrayal...

I think a lot of people around me are incredibly smart and talented. But, I think there is one thing that's so important to me when dealing with me. For example, come to find out someone was being tricky all while being buddy buddy with me. You present me with something and naturally because I have nothing I should just go ahead and take. My emotions and everything should be so savage that I wouldn't care. I should be grateful. What you've done should over rule all the bad things. When in reality, I feel betrayed and conflicted. 

Moreover, there is a battle going on inside of me. There is a part of me that feels bad because growing up in church, the preacher always said, "Stop looking for your blessing to look like the way you want it to look". And, I believe that! Secondly, I was looking at post on Facebook by Alex Minsky. He was writing about nutrition and working out. And, the last line of his post was "You have to trust the process". And, it's like you want to trust but how can I trust you if your always lying and playing games with me. Furthermore, how can you trust someone who always invades on your privacy, picks and chooses your friends, puts your parents before you (when your almost 30 years old), allows others to say and do the the craziest shit to you (plus cooperates with them) and lastly but most importantly messes with your money. But, of course, I'm the crazy one.

And, that's why I wanted a separate life from you. A life that includes my friends. But, the problem is now that you have your hooks in my friends....I can't really go anywhere or do anything without you right there. To you it's enforcing or trying to get close but to me it's stalking and betrayal. And, you would have had a much better chance long ago if you would have just said this is who I am, this is where I come from and this is what I want. 

But, what really pisses me off is for every or any opportunity that I turn down it looks like I am going back on my word or my  principles. And, I look foolish or like I can't keep my word. I'm not saying there is a guaranteed opportunity that comes along with every person that comes along but what I am saying is that I am closed off to it. But, I can't allow myself to be used or sit up in happiness at the cost of others. That is where I am exercise my duty. The preacher always you to say," you have to stay faithful...". When you want something to happen for you. And, I've been faithful while there are no guarantees. It's been 6 years and I'm still wait, working and pray that I can get back on own feet without these shadows and clouds everything freakin where. 

In these 6 years all I've been getting is betrayal and let downs. Yeah, I would like take my home and land back. But, whose with me. What would be liberation for me would be devastation for others; even those in my family. So I'm left with nothing!!! You'd think so many people would be happy that so many people love me. But, that love doesn't translate. Everything that loves me seems like it's satan to my family. Im almost 30 and my family still thinks I'm 13. So what to freakin do but keep on doing what I am.