A conversation I just had brought back memories that I have long forgotten. Despite how tragic things are now, life had been pretty good to me despite certain setbacks. But, what makes it really interesting is the people that you meet along the way. In certain periods of life, when your really low, its the best thing that can happen for you. It’s been a while since I had that kind of inspiration but I will never forget that time in my life.
The last time that I really felt inspired and motivated was in Germany. Of all places, Germany! Well, I had been kicked out of where I was staying, I had all kinds of problems with friends, I was running out of money fast, and I hard some hard choices to make on my own. The truth is I had reach my absolute limit. And, I was going to break the number one rule of my vacations; calling home.
There is something about the energy of Berlin. The outside is so gritty and dirty like Los Angeles but you feel this freedom and energy that is so amazing to me. Despite all the bad things happening, I felt like I was apart of the scenery. I felt like I belonged to the crowd! And, all these amazing people came from out of no where and were school cool. Here at home, the people that come out make me want to go in a dark corner some where. But, I think that has more to do with that being the common occurrence.
And, there is nothing like having to take care of yourself. When I go on vacation I go to relax and have fun. Being at home is like being in a war zone sometimes. It just feels like everything is closing in on you. Almost all the windows of my house face another part of the someone else’s house. And, its not so much that its people but its the same people and the same shit all of the time.
On my last night in Germany, it was quiet and it seemed the magic was leaving. So I got a cab and made my way to the airport. And, I just wanted something to feel as bad as I did. Unfortunately that person was going to be. Anyone one who knows me, knows that when I get on airplanes something happens to me. Maybe its the cabin pressure and mixture of anxiety. But, when I get on planes my insides turn into a nuclear power plant in the midst of a meltdown. Maybe hiroshima is a more accurate description.
You know when you get on a plane going to a foreign destination, there are usually more locals of that destination on the plane. So after almost a month away and a small plane ride I was physically and mentally not ready to be around Californians again. So I made it on the plane from Frankfurt to Montreal and was a wreck by the time we landed. While going through customs There was a nice old Irish couple from Orange County in front me and another brown haired girl from California. The girl talked about her trip and the old couple talked about their lives back home; the store that they owned. Meanwhile, my stomach was angry and was getting loud. I just wanted to turn back around. Their lives sounded so great in California; here I am right behind them thinking…..ya’ll don't even know what I am really going through or what I am about to go through.
Through the pain, I thought about it. Why would I want to go back to a country where I cant speak to half of the people and I was basically kicked out on my ass. Well, I wanted to go back because I felt alive; I felt just like everybody else. There were no invisible warnings signs about me. No one to make me feel like some special project or something of that nature. No looks of disgusts; just movement, function, and brotherhood. Here at home I’ve got the assurance that my family will support me plus with the knowledge of how life is here for me…there is not much fight left in me. I’m just so tired and I am so much more stronger than this. I’ve been through so much bad stuff and came out on top. I’m not used to not surviving and not making the best out of a bad situation. The only thing I can think now is that maybe I have to lose in order to learn how to truly win at my life. To no longer be mediocre and just passable! So Germany will always hold a special part of my heart! Thanks for making me feel so alive.
That peace and lust for life stays with me. It is a reminder of what I really want and what I am doing. After a while of being home, its starts to wear off on you and you get back into the grind of home. You become that munster that you were all over again. But, thats life……
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