Well, I dont know why I didn't think of this yesterday but there was something that I have been meaning to write about. The other day, a friend of mine from Eastern Europe was chatting about a conflict in the news. And, two phrases stuck with me, “But, who is right and who is wrong?”. Then after a few lines of conversation/debate with others he went along and said “I guess will never know who is right and who is wrong”. And, those words stuck in my head for a long time.
I look at the situations in my life and I think about who I am. Never matter where someone else stands on issues or in my life. They all can and most do have valid concerns. For example, Some people might think I am outrageous or extreme. And, that, that should be addressed. Now even I can say that, that is true. And, here in where the dividing line begins. It how you handle things that makes the difference. You can be extreme like the guy who tries use a flame thrower to kill a spider and in turn burns his house. Then there is another way, you can be diplomatic or cool about things.
Now when I think about the relationship that I had with my ex. I think about the good times and then I think about the abuses I suffered from him down the line. And, I get sad and I get angry. So angry about what he did to me. But, I never think about the times I was pessimistic towards him. If anything, all I remember is me being devoted to him, providing for him and loving him. So in the end, we both did something wrong…..some things more wrong than the other person.
In my life, I wish I could eliminate the extremeness of it all. Some guys look at me and think I am extreme, intense or fanatical. I don’t want to appear fanatical like one of those crazy tv evangelist. But, couldn’t what I have been through in the past and what I am going through right now explains that. Like nothing and no one that I am with or know as a real friend is extreme like the things that I have seen. And, you can’t really unsee or undo what you know.
There are so many people in my life that are just double dealing with me. You can just feel something else behind them. And, I just can’t bring myself to be mad at them. I just can’t bring myself to be hurt. Some of them, I just feel sorry for. I know that I am not an angel. The truth is I just want my life back because there is just too many people in my mix. I can’t shop, meet new people or do anything fun because it always interferes with someone or something else.
Right Now, things are stirring up. There is a whole storm of crazy coming this way. And, I feel like…is how come no one ever see’s this stuff or talks about this stuff. Then the people that do see this stuff end up going through the most stuff. And, then you have friends that basically set you up for more stuff. But, I just try to have faith that its all going to work out for the good. It’s not that I don’t have good sense, it’s just my faith at work. If something seems too outrageous, I stay away from it. And, I know that most of all my friends know that I go through things but I wonder if they see how extreme or how dire it can be especially those fair-weather friends.
At this point in time, with all the transgressions that have transpired, in the fairest parts of my mind, I know who is right and who is wrong. And, if I don't know then I do know whose been good to me and that’s bad. Most of us just go with whose been good to us. And, I still don’t know why if these people and things that I am being so dramatic about, are not that bad then why do they keep letting bad things happen to me or doing bad things to me. And, it was never that I started anything with them but they were this way from the start; all of them. I want to know that what has been so bad about me, as a person, that could make people so evil without even trying to know me before hand. Why be so spiteful to be so kind to other people that I love. I just don’t think I could understand it or even forgive it after being this way for so long.
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