The Way It's Supposed To Be...

I'm afraid that were losing the grey area in life. Were losing that space between yes and no. Every one wants it this way or that way; were become such an on demand type of people. I think were all so used to getting things the way that we want them that we can't accept things as they are. 

Twice yesterday I came in contact with two new friends that didn't necessarily insist on knowing more about my life but the approach made me a little uncomfortable. It's not that I didn't want to tell them more about myself. But, the truth is I didn't want our friendship to change. I knew that if I told them about me plus mix it with what they have heard; they could become conflicted. 

An older friend that I have had for maybe almost three years has been in that position. In the past he was so caring and supportive of not only my life but of my ambitions. It meant the world to me! He never knew exactly how much he meant to me. Partly because we've never met and because he has never been here. 

So now my friendship with this person of three years has changed. He is not the same; he is not vulnerable with me anymore. He stopped writing at all! And, I don't think he knows how he is portrayed around me. And, I can't blame him for that but to be called names by him let me know how I am portrayed him. I'm a drama queen and delusional! What he doesn't see is that I am surrounded by drama and illusions. 

Anyway, I didn't want to go through things like this with new friends. And, to top it off; one of the guys went a little deeper and started talking about me not being self sufficient. I wanted to be offended but how could I when I didn't want to explain my life to him. I wanted to scream, "I'm going through hell so I can have a life". Hmmm! 

Now I know this is the beginning of the end. I just don't think these new relationships are going to last. Not because I want them to end; as a matter of fact, I like them both very much. But, because I know where it's gonna go from here. Now I don't want to sabotage myself and I want to trust but I don't want to be foolish. I don't want to be hurt and I don't want to hurt anyone. 

I just wish they could accept things the way that they are. But, I can't blame them if they don't want to. I don't want them to condemn me because I'm not in my place. When the truth is my place hasn't been working for a long time. And, it's getting to a point where there is no way to fix it.