The Point Of No Return

This is one blog post that I have wrote time and time again. Just right now, I wrote to a friend about the difference in American guys versus European guys. He basically asked “What’s wrong with American guys’. So I answered him and then got on my favorite gay social network. And, I looked at the last three to five guys that visited my page and just knew. These guys will most likely hurt me so bad if I messaged them. 

Then I look at the one to two American friends that I have left. They are just amazing. Maybe if I got out more, I might meet more great people. But, when I think about…the risk is high and the idea of gain can only be hypothesized about. The risk is that I go out into the world more. And, then I only get acquainted with more closed minded people or people that are just trouble. Then in turn, I end up in more trouble. Now the good part is, I could meet some interesting and good people. But, the fact that they become my friend could kind of be bad for them….really bad especially with them living here. 

All of which is another reason why I have never ran away. Maybe a few years ago, yeah but now….no. The only way that I can see myself ever getting away from here on my own is if I did it this very instant; it would have to be a snap decision. I just pack a backpack and just walk out of there door. Just walk and hitchhike until I am at least a state or two radius away from California. There would be no money because how can I ever save money. So I would be depending on the kindness of strangers and trash cans. And, even if I ever find some place to stay, I would have to seriously think hard about calling home.  

Since I was homeless for almost all of my teenage years, I am not exactly looking forward to being homeless again. If I had to do it, I would just adapt because I know I can. But, for now I am stuck in this contradiction. A life where everyone begs of you to sit down in your life but calls you stupid. A life where if I do, do something right then there is a herd of people that feel defeated or angry at me. And, a life where no one wants to see me leave but if I do decide to try to build a bigger life here…it has to be someone else's life and absolutely everything under their control. 

Sometimes I wish life, God, or whoever could just call a spade, a spade. Just tell all of this like it really is. Just make it known to everyone. The announcement would read something like, 

“He is to be imprisoned until he learns…..yada yada….and until we know everything about his past. He can’t have any sexual or love relationships. All dates and friends have to be verified and approved. Since we own him, we can do any and everything to him that we see fit. And, it is against the law for anyone foreign or domestic to intervene….”.

From there the message will continue with more junk. But, its like even if it was horrible, if there was a face and clear lines versus all the spying and treachery of my life, it would be so much easier. Like I would be tempted to think about it or to do whatever it is to get over this hump. There is so much bigger and important stuff in this world….Gay Rights in Russia, Missing children in Africa, conflicts in the Middle East, planes missing and crashing all over the world, hunger in parts of Asia, etc. 

And there is me….a kid living in one of the best countries to live in, in the world and my life is hell because civilized people can accept differences and get along with people that are different. My life is being imitated in bigger and bigger scopes; part of me is flattered and humbled. My life is providing opportunities to others regardless of where or who they stand with in my life. But, there is another part of me that is so ashamed. Nobody wants to be known or famous for having a life that is a total overflowing trash bin. And, I feel that, that’s where we should all feel a little ashamed; friend or foe. Were acting like this is the Bosnian War or something. And, I think we can clearly see that things on my side of the wall do not have a clear focus. It’s not so much about foreigners (the foreigners don't hate America), it’s not so much about past indiscretions (most people can start to see how that past is justified whether they admit it or not) or anything like that. You can buy other people with that kind of thought. But, what this is really about is control, security, and visibility. 

The biggest mistake we all make is that we doubt the intelligence of others. Im surrounding by immensely intelligent and street smart people. And, if any of these minds (locally) wanted to heal the hurt and get my life together, they would because they have the power. All I can say is that I’m tired, 5 plus years of this will turn you into me. LOL! I just hope that good things will happen soon. But, the more we go forward, the hard it is to go backwards. I think its safe to say that we have reached the point of no return. I'd say to people, stay away but its kind of too late now.