Hysteria

Well, I try to make a point to make a point of not writing when I'm upset because in moments like this I usually say or do something that I regret. In moments like this, I usually lose my head.  I feel like there is flames coming off my body, I can't think, my heart races and I hurt. 

All because I just feel so completely and utterly helpless. I feel powerless. And, it's in moments like this it all feels so real. Today I had it impressed on me to be positive and to speak positive. And, I know that but how can you say positively,  "These people are purposefully trying to ruin my life". And, no matter how much truth I give them, things I give them, nice I am to them; at every turn whether I will be taken advantage of. Even if and when they all get what they want. What are you going to do with me? What can you do with me? Half of you won't return my calls or anything. 

And, you hear what everyone says and what those people have to say that, that person says and I just want to hear the words from their mouth. I want them to tell me that they have a plan for my life. If you won't leave me alone then how are we going to live together? You can come hug my mother, bring my Aunt to tears, ruin my relationship with my brother and take anything away from me that you want. But, you can't talk me to me. You can't even give me help because I can't trust you. 

And, I just want to cry so bad but something inside me just wants you to understand, I want to understand and I want something or somebody to feel as bad as I do. So I know that I am not alone. Everybody talks about packing on the pounds and taking money from people. And, I go in my kitchen and my shelves are getting bare. There is hardly any fucking thing to eat in my house. And, I have thirteen cents in my bank account, a phone bill that's almost 200.00 because I have reconnectionfeed. Simply because I'm struggling to pay for a lawsuit. And, I wonder when these pay go to dinner at night or open their cabinets, do they think of my family? Do they think about my Aunt being in early retirement and having less money. Do they think about my brother and his desire to have an apartment. Do they really think that what they have done has helped me. 

The people who are gone have helped me. Ben taught me to drive a car. Curtis feed me when I couldn't feed myself. Gareth brought me back to life and stuck with me when no one else would. Paul he stuck with me when no one else will. Frans told me to seek mental health. Peter and Frank told me to go back to college. Omar and the Lindsey, got me a job and when my own mother couldn't gave me money to feed myself and get well from a cold. My Bishop, Noel Jones clothed, feed and helped pay for me. And, some how all this dysfunction is helping. Right Now, I don't see any ducking body doing a damn thing for Daniel and the Williams family that doesn't benefit them first. Everything that's happening is for somebody else. 

But, no one can see my face or stay in my face long enough to calm me down and explain what the hell is going on. No one can tell me where to go to get a job. Where I can go outside that is a safe place from the noise and drama of my home. There is no where I can run and be alone. There is no where I can go out any and everybody getting in my personal business. And most importantly, I can't get my dick suck with a fucking congress being held. I'm hurt and I'm sad. 

Under Normal Circumstances

Something feels wrong tonight....more wrong than usual. You can feel it in the air and I felt it when I went out earlier. Normally, I would be going out of my mind about it but I'm not surprised. The night before last was so smooth that I'm not surprised that tonight might be a total cluster fuck. 

I'm not living under normal circumstances. I live in a world where I am the bad guy or I am the one who is wrong because I like to stay up all night and day. It's not like I am asking anyone to stay up with me. At my old place I was up all night but I went out to fuck a few somebodies a week. Don't have that kind of privacy or space for anything like that anymore. 

Anyway, I don't see myself as a bully. If anything I see a whole bunch of people who don't see me for who I am. They see rules and guidelines but know nothing about my body, my heart, my mind or anything. What's worst is that they do know; don't care or can't do anything to actually help me. Helping me is what's going to actually help the situation but there lies the conflict of interest for most people. 

What makes me a bully is that I tell the truth or the truth as I see it. And, when you tell things or even tell on some one then that makes you the bad. But, the truth is I am the one whose bullied. I know the difference between bullying  some one and handling business. In this day in age, these things kind of go hand in hand. And, there really is no talking or trusting. So what can I do but tell the truth. 

I don't tell the truth because I want to get someone in trouble. I tell the truth because I want to stop the pain and the bleeding that bullying can bring. And, I wrong if I get upset? So many people, will taunt and do things just for that reason. How can you respect or care about people who put you in that position? You turn the tables on what a relationship should be and create enemy of me then blame other people for being the reason as to why we don't get along. 

Then it's really upsetting to have people come in my life and be this way. And, what's more upsetting is the people you take away in the process. It's like, "well if I can't have a good life with you then I can't have any life at all". You can claim that it's for your safety but who am I? You know I don't like you but I'm not capable of the things you imagine. Any, this is not good, it's pesimmistic. I was a pest to my old boyfriend; I would not let up. And, in the process, I pushed him further and further away when I wanted him closer. 

But, what's even more upsetting is that it's gone so far beyond me. And, you can look at me all day long but it's not about me. You look trouble, then cause trouble and then have to end up looking out for more trouble. Going into this long and drawn out cycle of the same thing. In the process of trying to have this closed off and local existence. You accepted people in your life to fix the problem and have made yourselves into celebrities for all the ruckus caused by other people. 

The saying is true I guess. What they say about karma, magic and revenge. What we do comes back to us. Be careful what you wish for. And, all I can say is I've got a very small part to play in that. Like I have said before, I can't make anybody do anything or make any action. We all have self control but the fault in every single one of us is ego. 

Locked In

When your stuck in one situation or one place, you tend to get stuck in what ever is happening there. In my situation I have multiple things going on. And, I have touched on a few of the topics recently. Of all days for my strength to fail and for all of my fear plus aggression to fall on one person. I'm embarrassed and I don't really even feel like trying to explain myself because it hurts plus today has been a cluster fuck. 

My motto for days like this is, when you can't point your fingers at one person, then you have got to start raising more fingers. Whatever has happened, has been a collaborative and calculated thing. And, judging by the joy in the air. To some extent, whatever was intended, was partially successful. If I know some people well enough, they will try again but only better. 

But, what really fucked with me today was all the things that were coming up and out. Just the information that was sensitive and things that no one really talks about. Like this guy that I blogged about maybe last month because of an incident with a guy that I used to love. His name comes up and im like, "oh shit!". But, the funny thing is the exact same thing I said about him in blog post, they did the exact same thing I said was going. And, it wasn't a lie but it was like damn; if both sides of the fence are saying basically the same shit. God bless him! 

I'm going to come back to that in a minute. But, what's really concerning and what's really bringing me down in my heart. Is the love lost! All the friends I have that I can't explain completely why things are the way they. How can you explain feelings and moments gone by. London Boy, just the perfect young man. A little dirt under his nails from growing through things and climbing up in the world. But, a good person. Then hear all the negative things that keep coming from his direction. Then to hear all the negative things now coming from the direction of a guy that I have tried not involve in my life too much anymore. 

If I'm hit by a car, blow a tire or something then you know where to look. He would hate it if he knew I was talking about him. I've got two friends with similar names so for the sake of keeping him anonymous and not confusing him with some one else, will call him Pasadena Guy. So Pasadena Guy is some one that I met maybe in late 2010 or early 2011. So I made a trip a his house and he is a short nerdy looking guy but his body is amazing. But, he is well rounded, he does everything the right and proper way. Maybe that's because he was a lawyer. 

Anyway, I used to come to his old house in Pasadena. We would have these fascinating dinners; he had talents in the kitchen like another friend that I mentioned recently. Ahhh, some of the best meals of my life. I would feel full without all the bloat, pain and sickness. I would spend nights at his house to get away from my home. He was another one of those people who used to cheer lead me on. When I had run out of ideas, he would have one. He wanted me to work because when he met me I was working I think. 

So I got the job at that place which shall not be named. And, I had spent the night at his house a few weeks prior and it looks like his cat had scratch a big portion of the leather off my grey Puma bag. And, without hesitation, he bought me a new one that was similar. Anybody that's seen me travel in Europe, might have seen my yellow Puma bag. So the day, I went to pick it up, I brought a friend who shall not be named but after that everything changed. As the months and weeks went by things started to change. He seemed stressed, his weight went up, and some how we got closer but things got harder. Then it got harder to be with him. I'm a private person, believe it or not. My friends are my friends, not my families friends or anything like that. So when I start to feel like he was the source of pain, I let him go. And, I told him honestly how I felt. I wasn't trying to be bitchy but I tend to not be nice after a certain point, God forgive me. 

No one wants to feel that some one that they loved and shared so much with has betrayed them. But a part of me kind of thought that if I let him go, that what ever it was would let him go. But, it never did. In some ways he seemed happier, he was making friends in my neighborhood and I don't even have friends in neighborhood. I wish him love and happiness. The funny thing that I have never said or blogged about is the one thing. If these people only knew exactly where or exactly how I came across some of my friends they would just die. We are all more connected then they might even know but I remember. I have a feeling that if most people remembered how they entered my life, things would be different. 

As for today, I let it get to me. I hurt my best friend. I wasn't trying to. But, I just die every time that it comes to him. I think I love him that much more for every friend that I lost; so signals got crossed, I'm hearing all kinds of shit, my family is acting different and I'm ready to punch a wall because of a ghost. I wasn't mad at home but mad at the situation and pissed at home because I didn't want him to go anywhere. Anyway, I can't explain a feeling or a moment but these guys weren't just any old body that I fucked and forgot. These guys were my examples, champions, my friends and people who believed in me. People that want things from you. It's something I hadn't had for years and kind of don't have locally. Instead, I'm locked in with all the bad words. 

Daydream

I've talked about this topic before things happen so fast. Like I go to bed and by the time that I wake up the whole world has changed. Like everything has been processed for yesterday and the day ahead. So more than change; everyday brings a new challenge. 

This past week I talked to someone who said that they spend too much time online. And, he asked me what I do for fun offline. It's been so many years that I can't exactly remember what I used to do to fill my time. I wish I could remember. So I have been thinking about all the things I used to do. And, not just those general things like TV, exercise, go to the movies, go to dinner with friends, ......I used to do all of those things. 

And, I remember what I used to do. Daydreaming used to be my thing. I used to daydream all day long. I know you guys might think at this point, what a pointless blog post. But, here is where I give you the gift...atleast of knowledge. 

Daydreaming is another form of visualizing and motivation that can turn into planning.  If we can visualize or daydream, we can see what we want for ourselves. We create ideas that can be researched and put into action. For example, for all the months and weeks that lead up to me becoming a model, I just thought about how much I wanted people from high school, ex boyfriend, and many more to eat their words. So I would exercise like a maniac and I would be so tired but everytime I thought about my ex boyfriend I just got amped. I would listen to Britney Spears "Gimme More" and Timbaland's "Return The Favor", I would exercise and dance. 

And, I look at my life now and there is not much room for imagination or action.  Atleast not the kind of action that I'm talking about. When I woke up this morning, you could feel the energy in the air that says, "Ahh, there you are.....we have been doing something in regard to you". My brother is walking around all angry and irritable, Mom's looking snark and my Aunt is quiet (which is kind of un nerving). 

It's no secret that I will be coming into some extra money soon. And, I usually know this two to three days before I get it. But, this time I found out about it a week or so in advance. This is normally the time that I usually daydream the most. When I get money, I always think to myself, "How can I make dreams come true, How can I make this last and What is going to make my life better". To answer those questions, I have to think about other people. But, instead of thinking about, what I can do for us, I'm thinking about, how can I stop this from being one of those land claim rushes of the old west. 

If you haven't figured it out, money is one of the only things that can change things over night. And, it makes me think about my situation, my family says they don't mind if I leave here for good. But, the way they act is totally the opposite. And, I think to myself, "wouldn't a person, be pissed off at the fact that you normally can't contribute or take care of yourself". And, I mean they have to understand and know the reason why I'm not getting a job, right? Knowing these circumstances and knowing that your financial situation is getting worse or limited....wouldn't you be trying to give me away. Then thinking about all the circumstances that you guys go through over me, things you do to me. Like being so disagreeable when I have money. Wouldn't a normal person be tired? You would think that despite everything, that on some money, you would be happy for me and happy for yourself because I always do stuff for friends and family. I just don't get people and going through the same motions all the time. 

This house needs some imagination. At this point, I don't think anybody remembers what they used to enjoy before a certain point. What is it that kept us happy and unconcerned with petty things. What did we have going on within ourselves that kept us happy or that keep us reaching higher. Right Now, I don't know if there is any thing that is growing  . I hope I get that fire back, the ability to dream and visualize the future. And, the space to actually try for my dreams. To have a life with purpose and direction. That's where we gave up and grew up, the day that we stopped trying for life. 

Sorry

Its hard to not lose faith, its even harder to talk about loosing faith when there are so many people believing in you and crossing their fingers for you. And, if I had to hire some to be me and play the roll that I play in the world, I would totally hire someone else. I’m not too smart, I’m not too brave and I can be outrightly negative. Plus, lazy! All I every wanted to do was grow up, be pretty, play with men and make as much money as possible. But, here I am, life happened to me. 

After my last blog post, I could feel some tension from places that I don’t normally feel it from. And, its hard to make a statement when it could apply to so many people or when there are so many complexities to my relationships. There are people who are pulling for me and praying for me. I’m very thankful! I find myself always trying to make myself proud as well as others. And, I have never been so good at it but I doing the best I can.

Even with small degrees of progress and temporary victories, I worry because I have been in this same spot and position so many times. I have been here for so long, so many years of promises and ideas. And, so many times after I have done all the work, praying, crying and fulfilling any request…..when it comes time for things to happen, it never happens. And, having a bad attitude about things is not attractive on so many levels. But, having too high hopes can lead to you being crushed when things don’t work out. 

So many times I have had to start over from scratch. When I didn’t really get to far from scratch in the first place. But, it hurts because all of the progress that you have made internally and externally, mean nothing. None of what you have done means anything anymore. So you have to learn how to live all over again and at the same time try to preserve the life source that you have now.

As I have said before, people are not going to be happy with you doing well. When I got at temp job in the beginning of 2013, I was away from home about 6 hours a day and maybe four days a week. There was a possibility that I could get this job permanently and everyone was just miserable. It just seemed like everybody had a problem or was moody. It just didn't make sense to me, how could everyone be so unhappy when I’m not around to get in trouble or talk on the phone; just anything. As you can tell, I didn't get hired permanently. 

The friendships and opportunities that I lost never started out bad. They were good and full of hope. They were everything that I needed. They feed me and helped me. But, somewhere along the line, things always change and something happens. What once was this warm and understanding thing because this mean and questioning thing. As if they are looking for me to prove that certain bad things about me are true. The crazy thing about life is that if you keep looking for someone's bad side or keep playing with it then you will get it. And, more than losing an opportunity, seeing that change is frightening. You don't want to see people that you love, just taken over and changed. Then to be expected to stick around and have to take beating after beating. And, then not to be able to stand up for yourself or defend yourself with being the one thats blamed because you said something.

I wish that things were different but thats just the way things are. I wish I could be more than I am but this is it. I don’t know the future but despite all these things, I have to tell you guys that I am optimistic. Believe it or not! But, I recognize that more than believing that one thing will happen, that a series of things will happen, that I will keep this friend or get this job, I have to keep myself going on. And, no matter how hard to try to be strong , it hurts every time when things fail. Softening the blow is all that I can do. 

Out Here On My Own

Lets talk about love…in the interest of keeping things lite for a little while. Something that I wrote in my last blog stayed with me. What has stayed with me is “When you put other people first all the time, you teach them that you come second”. And, in the words of Lindsay Lohan, “I want to come first” especially when it comes to love. It hurts to give soooooo much love and get so much drama in return. 

My giving and loving other people doesn’t come with expectations. I don’t expect anything back and if I did, it would be that I expect you to still be the person that I love; in good times and in bad times. Next, my giving and loving other people doesn’t stem from a lack of self love. The truth is I love myself a little bit more or differently now. Yeah, I am getting older and I am not as pretty as I used to be but I know who I am and I like me. 

The cold hard truth is, even though I love, respect and like so many people, there are more people that care less about me than I care about them. And, it’s never been more evident. In recent weeks and months, I have showed my concern, regard, investment and maybe even some heroism for people near and far. And, all my love and dollars has seen is negativity and bad actions in return. 

Yet some how and some way, even though I know I should just walk away from a situation or a person, some how I always manage right back where I shouldn’t be. And, thats basically the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting a different result. And, I know in the eyes of many I must look like a pitiful fool because the truth is, it is foolish to do this. It’s never seen as me just trying to live my life or even being obedient. Maybe I want people to like me or maybe I want to show people I like them. Whatever the case, it looks awfully bad on me. 

And, I wonder if thats why I am not making too much progress in my life. You can’t really do new or exciting things when you have people around you who don’t understand you, don’t like you, think what your doing is wrong or stab you in the back. They act like the whole of the United States is at stake when not even the city is at stake. YOU treat people a certain way based on their relationships, location or past in regards to me. YOU hunt them down. YOU get mad when they do better than YOU. This has everything to do with YOU. And, you know who you are. Anyway, if people think your this foolish then they will always try to fool you or try to take advantage of you when it really counts. I could win a trip or be up for a scholarship, and things about me that don’t apply will come up. Anything to keep me out of doing something thats far. Even though doing something local isn't exactly working out is it? If you cant shop in peace then how could I work or go to school locally in peace. You’ve become this play thing, its almost like they just want to keep you busy where you are. There is no one going out on a limb for me, no matter their side, to actually fix things instead of people. However, my ass is swing on a tree, ready to be smack by any nearby branch. And, I have enough dreams for two people. 

But, in my defense, there is not too many places in a fifty mile radius that I can go and just escape my life. To just be safe, alone and have normal or understanding people in the background. And, as it stands, there are not many places I can go thats far away either without running into the same thing. It’s kind of like I always say, “Everybody wants you to be an adult and expects sooooo much but talks to you or treats you like a child. But, step out of line and you get adult consequences”. And, I am tired of being a child, mentally ill or a man when it suits someone’s purposes. 

The truth is I am all of those things at the same time. I am a young man who happens to suffer from mental illnesses but is growing. I’m not at a fixed person or a doll; I can’t stay the same for ever. Now imagine being seen this way and having enemies. So I am an evil child who is foolishly mentally ill. And, sometimes I think it’s laughable and unbelievable. I’m the evil guy who buys things and tells the truth as I know it. Like lying is such a great thing. It’s not like I am suing people, stealing from them, taking over people’s minds or giving out their social security numbers. The truth is I am as much of any enemy as you make me in your mind and in your actions. Maybe thats not even truth, maybe I am as much of an enemy.

I’m not a bad person. And, the truth is you’d have to invent something about me to make it look that bad. There is really only one time in my life that I have done something so wrong and I went to jail for that years ago. Whats even more true is that there are so many people involved in my life and I will most likely never meet them all. So they will have no other reason than to believe what they hear or believe what they read. For that reason, I will always come last; I will always be under educated, be under experienced, and right where I am. Of course, this is just my opinion, if I am wrong then prove me wrong. Let me be clear, show how in the past that I am wrong, don't try to make me wrong tomorrow. And, there are certain variables to be considered in certain cases and doesn’t apply to everyone I know, have given to or loved.

In closing, I guess this post isn’t as lite as I wanted it to be. I actually meant to write about love in a romantic way. I wanted to talk about how when someone wants you, they show you, and they do what it takes to make sure that you guys happen. That’s who I will end up with! And, I wanted to talk about how my tastes have changed. About how love is not just a feeling but a conscious decision. But, some how I ended up writing about this. A topic that I even think is a little distasteful. Its not that I want some one to do something for me or I want people to care but I think I want people to grasp the reality and gravity of the situation. 

You Won't Let Me Give Up

Today I heard the whisper; it said I should give up. But, I don't know how I could. If I'm unhappy with you or without you. Life is hard and its short. Happiness is so valuable. Being 50% percent unhappy is more than enough to get you through a bad life. 

Right Now, I'm just not happy like I want to be. Yesterday I was having a panic attack. My anxiety was through the roof; my heart was breaking. And, I just thought to myself, this is not the life I want to live. This is not who I am. 

The character that is the strongest in me is nurturing. I give love! I give so much love that often times by putting them first, I showed them that I come second. And, who I am or I guess I should say is who I was, will not be having that. I was always the person that everyone came to first. 

But even my love falls on deaf ears. I could say something nice about someone who is foe to me. And, that will be met with so much drama. You would have thought that I said something awful about you. And, when that happens, in my heart, I just want to kick some ass. I just want to kill somebody. I'm just tired of ignorant people. That's a mean word but there is kind of a logical reason to that. 

Let explain this.....So once I had a friend  or family member say, "well he doesn't defend us like he does them". And, I thought to myself that's true. And, I asked myself why? Well the answer is how can I defend someone I know nothing about. I don't understand why you always have treated me the way you do. I'll never understand how you could ask for so much at the same time. Why you never sympathized with my condition. All you did was make me feel ugly then made me look it. I'll never understand why no matter how much I grow, it's never good enough for you. And, I'll never understand why you just won't let me go. Why are you ignorant of me. 

If you would just let me go, then maybe we could build some kind of relationship from a distance. All we are going through is foolishness. I know your moves too well. I wouldn't mind you living your life. But, everything you do, some how turns in to all about my life. 

I just don't see how I could give up. If I'm always the bad guy, how could I ever be a "good" guy? That's just way it is! It's been this way ever since I could remember. And, not let go of because I'm not normal. I've never been around normal people in my life. I just want to live my life, I was doing way better before all this, back when I could pay all my bills. I was on top of life once and I can do it again.

From Top to Bottom

Common sense normally suggests that you work from bottom to top; getting little tasks done before you conquer bigger ones. But, in some situations you have to work from top to bottom. Knocking out the biggest task and then easily knocking out the little ones. 

I wish I had the power to settle the big things in my life that are hurting me especially since the big things in my life that I love always seem to be in danger. And, I don't understand the logic or ego that comes along with being so determined. Why put yourself deeper in the hole to only have more things come out in the light. Is what your doing so worth it? I already know someone is financially invested and stands to get a big reward for playing this part. 

Anyway, so I stand up and try to keep myself happy. I try to keep myself sane. And, I try to stay honest and humble. Don't need much help with that last part; you get knocked on your ass enough, you tend to stay honest and humble. And, even though I'm managing to stay out of too much trouble. It just doesn't feel good, it feels as wrong as some of the people I know. And, I have to care about myself. If I saw someone in need, I would give the shirt off my back if it could help. It doesn't really feel good to see even the people who have treated you awful, suffer. 

What would feel good is to see people learning. Not just learning from weaknesses or from spying so they can get someone back. But, learning from the information. Actually looking at what's going on. Knowing that this is wrong and that if it could happen to them, it could happen to your son and everyone he knows. But, if you can't get your own family to see you or get them to see all the people that love their family member then you can't expect to get the rest of the world to. 

It takes a lot to forge a commitment; it's not just about saving your ass or something like that. It takes admiration, love, a sense of right and wrong to keep holding on. And, your enemy knows it better than most that if you can kill the love then you can kill the connection.  So I want to encourage you all to keep on loving each other and hopefully me too. It's the only thing that matters at the end of the day and the only thing that's going to keep you going. 

In closing, the last thing I want to tell you guys is to stay safe, know your shit and be honest. It's so important. These are some crazy days lately. I'm really unsure these days and I'm not happy about it. There are people and things that I'm concerned about; I just want to ask them, "Are you trying to play me?". I don't have time for b.s. But, that's life! I just hope I don't lose myself in the drama. 

Afternoon Edition: Freeway

Well, I didn't have anything on my mind today. I didn’t even plan on writing today but I kind of can’t get around it. Someone said something to me today that brought a topic to mind. It’s not so much about the conversation that I had with him, as it is about this topic that has been swirling around for some time now. The topic is running away but after I finish this blog post I hope some of you will look at the word differently. 

Everyone associates someone who runs away as some who is a bum trying to run away from their problems, a criminal or someone who is abused/in danger. Some of you might not agree with that or will admit that you once thought that way. I know that I used to think that way sometimes too. But, after being on this side of life, I feel like what is so bad about getting away from what bothers you. 

Being an adult is hard work and I don’t even feel like a complete adult. And, it’s not even adulthood thats hard, life is just sooooooo fucking hard. And, the examples that I am going to give you, my look like my life but its so many others too. Anyway, you’ve a crazy family, you don’t find yourself happy, your a slave to purchases that you made…so that you can be happy, you don’t feel like a good person and etc. Life changes and shit happens to your life, so if your going to be stuck with some…then why not be stuck, happy, or at the very least living your life. 

I’ve spent the major of the last ten years stuck inside of my house. I know what it’s like to watch some one that you love, family and friends, be stuck inside of a situation and turn into totally different people. They get forget themselves and got lost in what this world is or has done to them. And, shit happens, we get dark and moody sometimes. But, to let this experience take over every part of you is not worth it. 

Sometimes running away or moving away, is not that your coward, it’s just you accepting that there is nothing else left for you to do. There is nothing I can do to stop assholes around here from being assholes. I’ve talked and warned from day one. I’ve tried all types of things and applied for all kinds of things. I’ve lost friends and I have given up friends. I’ve gained over thirty pounds. I’ve had a couple STD scares. I have been laid off a job. Had trouble with my healthcare. I have been sued. I can’t have a moments peace without every or anything being seriously invested in. And, I am sure that there is much more I could name if I could think of it. But, being here completely sucks ass, I had more to do at my old apartment. Plus, it sucks to be the guy everybody likes but no one can be around. Anyway, the point is that there is nothing I could do here that could erase the past, create better relationships or create opportunities. So if I go out and runaway tonight, yeah there are a couple lose ends I could tie here but at this point it looks like I would have better odds of paying whatever off some place else. Sometimes running away is about knowing there is something more for your life. 

The truth is I don’t know what is going to happen next. I don’t know if an opportunity will come or not. The one thing I am sure about in life, I have learned from this place and what I have learned is there are no guarantees. And, never make a life plan based on something that you don’t have an actual direct verbal agreement on or contract. I’ve done it too many times before and I don’t plan on doing it again. But, I do want to say that I think that there is something more for my life. I don’t know where it is, I don’t care if its around the corner, next state over or in Antarctica. I just want to be, where I as a person, belong…not to be confused with where I geographically belong. When I am there, I believe that I will be happy. Not living the easy life but living a fair and functional life. 

But enough about me….I just hope that you guys can see and understand what leaving is all about. You can call it whatever you want but don't judge what you don’t understand. Some people need to move on for several reasons; thats life! Shit happens, things happen and you have to survive that shit until the curtain closes. You dont have to stay unhappy for anybody; you might mess some shit up or fight somebody if you stay. Sometimes leaving is about your sanity. And, anybody who doesn't understand that needs to go through something. Lastly, if some of you have weathered a storm in life…congratulations. 

Freeway

Well, I didn't have anything on my mind today. I didn’t even plan on writing today but I kind of can’t get around it. Someone said something to me today that brought a topic to mind. It’s not so much about the conversation that I had with him, as it is about this topic that has been swirling around for some time now. The topic is running away but after I finish this blog post I hope some of you will look at the word differently. 

Everyone associates someone who runs away as some who is a bum trying to run away from their problems, a criminal or someone who is abused/in danger. Some of you might not agree with that or will admit that you once thought that way. I know that I used to think that way sometimes too. But, after being on this side of life, I feel like what is so bad about getting away from what bothers you. 

Being an adult is hard work and I don’t even feel like a complete adult. And, it’s not even adulthood thats hard, life is just sooooooo fucking hard. And, the examples that I am going to give you, my look like my life but its so many others too. Anyway, you’ve a crazy family, you don’t find yourself happy, your a slave to purchases that you made…so that you can be happy, you don’t feel like a good person and etc. Life changes and shit happens to your life, so if your going to be stuck with some…then why not be stuck, happy, or at the very least living your life. 

I’ve spent the major of the last ten years stuck inside of my house. I know what it’s like to watch some one that you love, family and friends, be stuck inside of a situation and turn into totally different people. They get forget themselves and got lost in what this world is or has done to them. And, shit happens, we get dark and moody sometimes. But, to let this experience take over every part of you is not worth it. 

Sometimes running away or moving away, is not that your coward, it’s just you accepting that there is nothing else left for you to do. There is nothing I can do to stop assholes around here from being assholes. I’ve talked and warned from day one. I’ve tried all types of things and applied for all kinds of things. I’ve lost friends and I have given up friends. I’ve gained over thirty pounds. I’ve had a couple STD scares. I have been laid off a job. Had trouble with my healthcare. I have been sued. I can’t have a moments peace without every or anything being seriously invested in. And, I am sure that there is much more I could name if I could think of it. But, being here completely sucks ass, I had more to do at my old apartment. Plus, it sucks to be the guy everybody likes but no one can be around. Anyway, the point is that there is nothing I could do here that could erase the past, create better relationships or create opportunities. So if I go out and runaway tonight, yeah there are a couple lose ends I could tie here but at this point it looks like I would have better odds of paying whatever off some place else. Sometimes running away is about knowing there is something more for your life. 

The truth is I don’t know what is going to happen next. I don’t know if an opportunity will come or not. The one thing I am sure about in life, I have learned from this place and what I have learned is there are no guarantees. And, never make a life plan based on something that you don’t have an actual direct verbal agreement on or contract. I’ve done it too many times before and I don’t plan on doing it again. But, I do want to say that I think that there is something more for my life. I don’t know where it is, I don’t care if its around the corner, next state over or in Antarctica. I just want to be, where I as a person, belong…not to be confused with where I geographically belong. When I am there, I believe that I will be happy. Not living the easy life but living a fair and functional life. 

But enough about me….I just hope that you guys can see and understand what leaving is all about. You can call it whatever you want but don't judge what you don’t understand. Some people need to move on for several reasons; thats life! Shit happens, things happen and you have to survive that shit until the curtain closes. You dont have to stay unhappy for anybody; you might mess some shit up or fight somebody if you stay. Sometimes leaving is about your sanity. And, anybody who doesn't understand that needs to go through something. Lastly, if some of you have weathered a storm in life…congratulations. 

Afternoon Edition: Everybody

Today I was feeling bad for not only myself but for my family for some reason. And, I didn’t know how effected I was until I talked to my best friend. It’s just that sometimes, when you know something has lost its former glory, you can’t help but feel awful for it. You can’t help but feel a little emotional about it. And, I think about my family and I know that inside they are better than all the mess, drama and more. I know that if we were on our feet; healthy, drama free and had a fair chance we would be doing so well. 

And, then I felt bad because I wished that I would have done so many things differently. I wished that I would have listened to one of my high school teachers. I’ll never forget, I had done something really foolish or turned in another bad paper. She grabbed me, took me outside and said something like, “Do you know how much potential that you have? Your going to mess your life up?”.  I wish I would have listened to my art teachers when they said, “You could sing broadway; let me tutor you” or “You have an eye for photography, let me help you after school”. But, I didn’t I was living the life that so many young black man that come from where, I come from fall into. We just want to make those dollar bills. 

So sometimes I look at this part of my life as karma. I’ve wasted my talents; I can’t even sing anymore because I have turned my mouth into an astray and hardly sing anymore. And, the only good camera I have is at a pawn shop on Pico by my old apartment. Now this where I love my best friend, because he is honest, he tells me, “I don’t believe in karma”. And, it struck a passionate chord in me. Suddenly, I told my best friend what karma really is, at least in my mind or heart. So I said, 

“I think the thing that messes up karma is expectation. Everybody wants something now and something as valuable as the energy that they put out or greater. But, it doesn't always work out that way. And, you have to have the ability to be thankful for small things and little things. Also, things come back to us but we don't always reach out for those opportunities. Sometimes the gift is the information and if you don't do anything about it. Then it's like turning down the blessing; maybe the blessing will met you there. Maybe there will be a chain reaction but the gift doesn't always land in our laps”. 

And, I have got to believe that. I have got to trust in that. I have got to give my all for that. In my heart, I have to know that life is going to be better because I am sowing good seeds in the world. I’m being friendly with people, I’m giving, I’m trying to build better bridges with bad things from the past, I’m opening myself up and I am being honest with them. But, of course, then I started to feel bad for my best friend, I know he is carrying a heavy burden and I just hate to see him suffer. 

So then my brother comes home and he is upset. He is going through his bag and I dont bother him. So I finally ask him, “Whats going on?….Whats your six?”. And, he tells me, “I can't find my money. It was in my wallet yesterday”. I know things are tough from him. And, this is where the temptation and pressure begins on him. And, I know it will take an unspeakable act to get him out of here. But, I know he is ready to go. Often times when things happen, I want to say, “I told you so”. Before he moved out here, we never really talked on the phone that much. But, I made it a point to call him and say, “Playa, I don’t think you want to come here. At least while I am still living here”.

In my heart, I think to myself, “gather all the good times or thoughts and hold on to them”. I just hate that feeling he must be having right now. Feeling lost and wondering who really did this because this is the time when things get really confusing. We you really feel alone. And, the pressure for him to act must be so immense. I wouldn’t want to be him. My mind now turns to other people who might not like me. I think to myself, I know if things are this bad, then I know that sometime between now and when I get back from vacation some really awful things are about to happen to me. I’m trying not to stress out about it but I just like I see that pattern (that has occurred several times) in my brothers life, I see it in my own. I’m not being negative but somewhere along the line I’m most likely going to get really sick, be robbed, have some broken tech stuff, lawsuit, overdraw at the bank, car problems, fights with my family or something like that. 

Sometimes I really dislike being black, I love it but I dislike it. We come from a culture that has been repeatedly raped, robbed and beaten. And, were all free now….we can be presidents, heroes, athletes and acclaimed musicians, and we can do it better than most. But, it seems like every black person, not matter how successful, our roots show. And, we make it and let it be okay for other black people to be raped, robbed and beaten. Most people forget that it was Africans who sold other Africans into slavery. And, I grow tired of black people complaining and acting crazy. Do you see? Were doing it to ourselves and for privilege because were all struggling, we allow other races and class to exploit us in the name of their pursuits. And, its not about working with other races because this is not to say that other races dont do good things for other races. But, I feel like, where is your pride. The black people that raised me up, the woman that I come from, raised us to aspire to be more. I know most black folks had a mom, an aunt, a grandma that smacked their hands, took them to church and told them to have pride. But, when someone else has it, we destroy it. We want to know, “How can I get in on this”. As a race, as a community, we will always be at the bottom of the food chain if we keep trying to sneak in instead of walking in. 

And, I look at every situation that going on and think about how it exist because of me. As much as I wish to not make any more mistakes with my life. These days I kind of pray for everybody thats in control of something that pertains to me or is even an enemy. I just don’t want anybody else to make a mistake with my life. If your going to hurt me, I prey that you hurt me right so it will push me a little further to wherever life has for me. Bless me even through my pain. I dont care what race you are or how much money you have, its time to make better decisions. Not just slick or smarter decisions. So somebody saw you acting a foul. Think about how long you did it. Think about if what your doing is right. We know where we are, people arent blind or stupid. You've been running the same game for a few years now. Something I find in most people these days, is the people who get defensive first are the most concerned and people who get violent first are the most scared or messed up. 

We have to do better than this…..everybody! 

I Heard A Word

You know I might have wrote some of these lines before but so what. Tonight I'm feeling nostalgic in the worst kind of way. Growing up and living with my Mom was an experience; hardly ever got in trouble for doing something bad. However, I always got into trouble for what I forgot. She liked to say that I have selective memory. Ask me what the lady in church, sitting five rows ahead had on three or four Sunday's ago and I could tell you. Ask me what I learned in school that day and I will go blank. 

Certain things just stick out to me. Something in my head just starts recording when I find something that sticks out to me. And, it's not always valuable information but sometimes it's information that becomes valuable later. What I hate about that is, sometimes it's too late. Sometimes things happen before I even have the time to decipher that information or I just didn't know how important the information was until it was too late. 

Often times I remember moments in time before my life turned into what it is today. I remember lines of conversation and events from old jobs, friends, places I've been and more. Tonight there is one line that is playing in my head from a conversation I heard three or four years ago. I just remember being in an office and hearing this lady say, "If we're going to to kids, then I can do kids". And, my brain recorded this Latina lady saying it. My brain had no context for what was to come down line. But, what made the moment special to me was the sound of her voice and look of her face. 

You ever get that feeling like somebody had a run in with someone, they got scared or something and then made it up in their mind what they were going to do about the situation. Like they were re grouping and going to fix some problem. I don't know why it would even matter to me. But, looking back on the years and letting time go by, I know what it meant. 

And, I'm not writing this to per say tell on anyone but it's just the fact that I remember now and I know what it means. It makes me wish that I could have said something then. It makes me wish that I wouldn't have been so ignorant. It makes me wish that I would have used my head. It makes me wish I could have saved a lot of people some trouble. It makes me wish that I was powerful enough to say, "hey, back up and butt out". But, sometimes there is nothing that you can do. 

What really bugs me about being so small is that your insignificant in so many others eyes. Like in my life, I have had a whole bunch of friends who I was once close with but now I'm not close with them now because it's like they choose to believe the bad stuff. They choose to believe the hearsay and decide that the lies or ugly truths are the sum of my character. I don't know if they felt betrayed or something. But, it's like meeting with someone whose found a new religion and is committed to their faith. They act like they know and believe that their religion is so good, better than others and is going to make everything alright. 

And, naturally I would want to smack the living shit out of them. Sometimes I want to scream, have you even met these people these people. Have you seen these people in the flesh; you believe these people are so great and I'm the one who's actually met with these people face to face and spent a good amount of time with each of them. And, trust me, there is not much angelic about any of them. Business has taken on a new life for some people; your cheering about  something that your eyes have never seen and happy with a product that only you and a select few others receive. And, once again, I'm not writing this to tell on anybody but to point out something that has been on my mind for a while. 

If there is a theme that can be found here it is that we do so much without real vision. We take information and if you don't have experience or a mind to conduct without messing up shit, lives, relationships and more than some things were probably better off before you came along. Prime example, the Middle East., like before the Iraqi Wars. There were most likely beautiful things there and parts of life that was fine. But, things like that are usually destroyed when politics and such come into play. It's never just a target that's affected, it's the whole area that is. It's amazing what a couple secrets can do. It can make someone who has some power, raise up and start a war over something stupid. 

Afternoon Edition: The Observer Effect...

If you've been at college any length of time you've heard of the observer effect or the Hawthorne effect. The observer effect generally states, "the act of observation changes what's being observed". So basically if some one continuously stares at you and you know your being stared at then your going to act funny. 

Having this blog or just having certain people around changes the environment. And, that is worrisome! It's worrisome simply because doesn't give a natural picture of how things really are. Although I have say that it's a good thing that people are self conscious; its a sign that your human or have a heart. A sign that you have the ability to care or be concerned. 

And, I think that's what's important now is to care not because someone is telling you but because you care about yourself.  That's not a threat or anything of that nature. What it is, is recognizing that there is no right or wrong person or anything like that. For everytime you point a finger; there is double that pointing back at you. It's recognizing that there is only compromise or destruction. It's recognizing that I don't want to hurt anybody (because maybe it will come back around to you) and it recognizing that you don't want to be hurt. 

As usual things aren't looking good. Something is brewing and coming from an old angle and an actually old angle. Targets are being made. And, eyes are watching from multiple locations. I know what it's like to embarrass yourself; I did it just a few minutes ago. Well, I know I can let the shame go but as we all know, some folks just don't let go of somethings so easily. You can feel the happiness and calmness of some people. When they are caught up, they want to be far away from you but there is atleast a 90% chance that sooner or later they are going to pop up with some more shit. It's exhausting! I guess some folks have the luxury, time and money to waste on stupid shit. At this point I have 0.14 cents in the bank, I'm not in good shape now. 

And, boy am I exhausted! If there is a lesson that I want to put to people today, there would be more than one but I just do have the energy today. But, I will say, always watch your middle; your heart, your stomach, and your dick. Then translate that into other parts of your life. Protect your employees not just from other people but protective them from themselves if they are truly your representatives. I know a lot of people who cross over to the "dark side" and have egos bigger than kilimanjaro. 

And, the last thing I would say is never be afraid to think out of the box. Learn from your enemies; use their ideas but the right way. Keep your heart open and just be good. We have enough bad stuff out there. Thanks for reading my thoughts. 

Drawn Into It

Seems like the older that we get, some things stay the same. The one thing that I am going to write about today is the “he” say and “she” say. It is this gossip that can sometimes make or break situations. And, I have had several events in my life with friends and lovers that break down because of communication. It’s one thing to learn gossip on the fly but another to be drawn into it. 

In a particular situation, I heard the word on the street that I was this that and the other. And, since I really can’t get clarification of some thing and I hearing all this he say and she say. Wnat’s a boy to do but assume the worst and take it all in. Now its one thing to know that your relationship is breaking apart but it feels different. I feel like I am being pulled away. And, I just don’t like that. 

Is there a way to break the rumor mill, save face and know the difference. It is because of certain matters and instances, I feel like a fool not that I didn’t feel like one before. But, at this point, I just want to move on; I dont really care whose wrong or right. Why? because I just don’t feel like fighting about things that are going to produce anything good, bring in love and build things. I’m interested in truth and building up my character. I’m interested in helping people and being in a web of friendship. 

The most I can do for any of my sins or deeds is say sorry (even though I’ve said it before). I don’t know if that sorry will fall on deaf ears, if it will be accepted or returned. But, I’ve just got to keep on growing in the meantime, I have got to get better at my own life; smarter, stronger and definitely harder. So the moral of the story is don’t put too much faith in gossip and don’t lose yourself in it either. 

It Happened On Centinela St

Once again, the topic of rape has come into play. Someone whom I know and like was raped. And, I feel awful for him as well as angry. We started this conversation yesterday and I couldn’t find out why I was angry. There is that occasion that I wrote about back in August or July but there was something more. So I asked my friend about this occasion and what he considered rape to be. His answer was not what I expected it to be; I didn’t know rape the way that he knows it. But, I don’t doubt that he was violated. 

So this morning, a memory came back to me. Something that I have long suppressed in my mind. Something that I have hardly ever told a soul not because I was ashamed but because no one believed me. As you guys know, I am the slutty boy or was the slutty boy. I still believe in flirting and sharing naughty pics. But, my heart always stays in the same place. Anyway, let me take you guys on a trip back in time. 

When I was thirteen or fourteen, my life was totally different. I was just a boy with band aids on his knees from playing outside with all the other kids. But, I know I liked male sex; notice how I didn’t say men or boys because I loved all of them. And, my best friend was not the best friend that I speak of from time to time. It was another black guy. He wasn't really a good friend, I think he saw me as this annoying kid to pass the time with (as he was maybe two to four years older) and I was his friend because he was one of the only other black gay kids I knew.

So you guys know that I was homeless for most of all of my teens. And, my mother and I just moved into this transitional apartments for people who were homeless. The westside and south central are two different places. Now I was between Beverly Hills, Westwood and Brentwood, a far cry from the gang ridden streets of LA. So I was bored out of my mind, my family didn’t own a computer, cell phones didn't have apps or color screens and they only way to be gay was to go to the bars or get on the party line. Two things I wasn’t really interested in. 

So my best friend at the time says, okay, let me hook you up with someone. And, back then blind dates weren't so uncommon. My friend describes him and tells me he is like in his late 20’s or 30’s, light skin muscles, tall, has his own place and a blue mustang. So I am excited, I call him and he comes to pick me up the same day. I loved things things like that; I’ve got to fly by the seat of my underwear. 

We he arrives, I am anything but turned on but I’ve made the date and my rule is to always follow through. You never know what adventure can happen. He wasn't my type at the time but I figured what the hell. So we decided to go back to his house and relax; watch a movie or something. I’m fourteen or so and cant think of anything else more exciting. So we get to his apartment in Inglewood, we sit down, and we relax. 

After a while, he begins to start taking off his clothes. His body is cover freckles and moles in a really disgusting way but it was kind of hot in his apartment. So he starts making his move and I think okay, I will kiss him and leave it there. But, he keeps going, he starts trying to take my clothes off. And, I stop him and find a way to go to the bathroom. When I went in the bathroom, I dont even think I used it. I think I called for my best friend to come pick me up and take me home. So I came back out and made no mention of my phone call. 

He tries to kiss me again. This time when I pull away, he doesn’t let me. He is locked on to me, he is trying to pull off all my clothes. And, I remember trying to fight back but he was so much stronger than me. When he tried to have anal sex with me, I did the only thing I could and scream “no” multiple times. I screamed and fought until he let me go. After that he didn't really have much to say. I just gathered my clothes and waited outside on Centinela st. 

The irony is that I love right around the corner from where this guy most likely still lives as his father owned the apartment building. This is how I define rape; this is how I know rape to be. And, it is something that I would never do to anybody because I know how it feels. I know what it’s like to be hurt. So when my best friend comes to pick me up, I tell him all about it and he doesn’t even believe me. He laughed in my face and I never really told a soul again. 

I cant say it more clearly or loudly, rape is a serious accusation and the pain of it is even more serious. And, I think rape should have different classes and definitions. As some one whose been on both sides of the fence (not saying that I raped anyone). But, I know the pain that comes from both sides and the scars can last much longer than any of us can imagine. So to all you guys, think twice before you say rape and know what it really means. No means no but no can mean a totally different thing after a line of yeses. Know how to defend yourselves and protect yourself. And, be selective of your partners if you can. 

Afternoon Edition: A High Declaration

A declaration of war is not always so formal. Sometimes the signs speak for themselves. And, at that exact moment, I feel the pains of the future coming long before they arrive. I know the very scrutiny that I will feel downline. And, my heartbreaks at the thought of all the losses I will suffer, at the thought of being alone and losing all the love that holds me now. All I see is human faces with so much light in them; minds with a third eye that holds liberal vision. I’ve never seen anything more real in my life. 

And, I know that I cant face this destruction again. This time I want to stop the collision; not again. I’d rather stay and face what ever my lesson is here. I’d rather lose my soul then be lost of another person who could see me. See me for who I am; the good, bad and the ugly. Those same eyes still turn to you and say lets get to work. Let’s live and work. That’s all I ever wanted; to belong to something that wasn't dark, dysfunctional, or psychotic. In a world where your birth dictates your place, your race serves as basis for hate and where we play battleships with our lives on macro and micro scales, is it so wrong to want more or be more. 

Is it so wrong to not want to be simply just a generational update of your parents life. I just want to feel like I am making dents in this world; teaching children, making friends, seeing the world and letting the world see me.…seeing the community that I come from. It’s always been in me, this feeling of being free, but somewhere along in my childhood I met disfunction and we married in her name. Identity is so important in this world and I don’t want to give mines away to be perfect for someone else’s purposes. I have purposes of my own; I wish to love a man that’s not like me, that’s not like what I know. 

If I could break the ties that bind then maybe I could live that purpose and serve it. But, as it stands I can make no expectations of man, as I have my hands tied behind my back and leg shackled to the ground. All that I offer is myself, my love, friendship, my time and of course a collision. What wicked webs we weave, it took all of this for me to understand what friendship and love really was. The only thing that you might actually take when you go to meet your maker. Love and friendship, those places in my life where the war is really fought.

So should I stay or should I go. Do I keep calm and carry on ;-) Do I try harder to keep love and light within me. Should I grow thick skin and claws. Should I be a mean boy? What in the world should I do besides cope. All I want is a way to keep the wild and dark days away. A way to walk in the sun and light and be okay. To be healthy and valuable to society. I’ve got a lot more thinking to do and rationalization to do. You’ve got to lose to know how to win. But, I can’t handle too many more loses. 

The Importance Of Sleep

For the last few nights I have been suffering from insomnia. Plus, my sleep schedule is off and I’m not feeling well. The good news is that I don’t have much going on at the moment as I am on vacation. And, I don’t want to be bratty and petty about the small stuff; things could be worse. But, I am reminded as to why I like to sleep earlier. I like to avoid all of the hassle and stress of people. By 2 p.m, I am just done with the world. 

It’s funny how when you go of the things that bind you up, you can really see and listen to things. You can understand people better. So as I lay here, I listening to everything not because I want to but because its all very distracting. I’m trying to let myself fall into my dreamland but every time I almost get there, I hear foot steps and bumps within the building, I’m hearing lines from movies that I liked and more. And, I just can’t fall asleep. 

So now my brain is ticking away and I am putting things together in my head, “Have turned on the Where’s My iPhone feature, how am I going to pay bills for the rest of month. How can I save money or make a little extra money. Did I lock all my stuff up. Oh, shit I forgot to wash the dishes, I am going to hear about that in morning”. And, then I start thinking about yesterday and today plus I am anticipating the next day. Then I am thinking about my friends and family; the burden I am to them and the burdens that I have given them. 

There have been some good things to come out of this insomnia. I don’t know if I am having good luck, if I have aligned myself well or I just have the favor of the Gods, but whatever the case I’m thankful. And as much as it hurts, I also feel better because something validated other feelings, writings and thoughts that I’ve had. When you’ve been repeated been told things like your stupid or a liar. It wears on you and it sinks in a little. So knowing is a real pleasure for me right now. 

However knowing that I am having problems with so many friends at one time is troublesome. These arent just people that I fucked and forgot about. No one understands the ties and no one understands what its like to feel the only people that you’ve ever had in your corner turn on you. It hurt when I knew they were lost to me but to feel them twist and turn the knife into you is like losing them all over again. I havent really cried or had the time to even feel bad about it. So I wear it like I wear all the other bad titles that I own. I’ve got to carry on and face the possibility that I might have to start to look at these friends as enemies. 

And, I think it’s a really shitty thing to be blackmailed for friendship. I think it’s a really shitty thing and petty thing to harass someone until you agree to be friends with someone. And, more than all of these, I really think that its a shitty thing that I have to suffer because everyone has “evil eye glasses” on me. Everyone is looking for that aggressive move, that one thing that they can use to blow hell right own . And, I don’t really want to give anyone the pleasure the or the gift of my wrath, help or sadness especially if it can be turned around and used against me. And, once you start fighting, everyone is going to look for a reason to keep going. 

When I look over the last two days, I reminded of the differences between me plus my friends and other people. I’m reactionary, I respond to events and happenings that I come across. While  most other people are stirring the pot always. I’ve got a friend here who is always talking about a day away from the internet. And, I think to myself, I would love that or the ability to talk to just my favorite guy. But, the minute that you sit down and try to just enjoy life; it’s like the world around me starts to tumble down. Next thing I know, my computer is going to break down or my phone or something. 

Now by this I mean no offense but I just wonder who I could be or what I would be like if I didn’t have to deal with stuff like this all the time. Everyone complains about how exhausting or helpless that they feel. How the heck do you think that I have been feeling for the last few years. I’m tried and living like I do is the only thing I am good at. If there ever is a end to all these issues, I will be starting at level one. 

Afternoon Edition: Deal or Nordea?

It is hurtful to see history repeat itself! But, interesting to see history repeat it’s self but in a new way. Now I am going to get rather cryptic and maybe funny so bare with me. There may be more direct ways of saying things but there are also less offensive ways. Writing this blog is like walking a tight rope some days. Telling the truth and not offending someone. I know some bad ass people that will fuck your life over without a second thought, but can get really butt hurt over a few sentences. 

So anyway, I had a few ideas in mind and theories that I am going over which I am sure that the coming days will prove that I am either right or wrong. So in the mean time, here is what I see. In the past, I have seen populations bow and fall in a matter of months, I dont know if that is due to geographically location or the fact that these people pose not a big enough threat. I’m not entirely sure how or why. 

But, I am sure of is that people are looking at today’s times like its car shopping at the auto mall. They want to look at all their options, test drive and as of now….looks like they kind of want to take it home or here. Whatever! The fact that its taken so long for them to do what was done in a matter of months is funny. And, what’s really unique is the fact that now they are using the past acquired resources to gain information and to create an opening for themselves. You know whom I speak of….its that job, baby! Has to be! I can’t guarantee it but his name isn't the only reason why he was chosen. 

Anyway, its one thing to be a shady bitch and to drive by on some one. Get something and to keep it pushing. But, people are so unconscious. So determined to get one person that they don’t see what they are doing to other people in the process or to me in the process. I just hope that whatever he is getting is worth sacrificing our relationship like this. I just guess I never meant as much to him as he meant to me. But, then again, I still don’t know if I can really blame him for certain things. 

Like for instance, I can’t say for sure that what happened last night is a direct result from him but I am pretty damn sure that he knew about it. Based on the way things unfolded and people that called in. Yesterday was revenge, revenge for reaching out to someone locally who was kind of in the background of my life. I don’t know about you guys but when someone is in the background of my life, I want to be right there with that. As much as looks could be deceiving these days, I want to be right there with them. I want to ask questions and give answers. But, more importantly, I am just trying to reach out to who I can because I am so curious to understand. I want for all of this drama to be over so bad. 

Anyway, what’s really troubling is not the fact that the revenge took place. What’s really troubling is who might step forward in his place if he should go. Who might take over the reins. A new guy? or “the he who shall not be named”. And, you all really know what and who I am talking about now. If this event takes place, you all are going to see some things. And, some people really might get hurt. The guy that got revenge on me, is a sweet heart throwing air kisses compared the latter. And, what will he take over; car shopping or the whole damn thing. 

I’d be lying to all of you if I said I wasn’t scared. More and more I have all talk people down from the ledge of doing something really insane. Things are getting desperate, people are getting tired and feed up around here. People around here don’t like to look like fools. They don’t like to be scared. And, they really don’t like to feel out of control or powerless. And, the same goes for those guys in the background. Also, I am sorry that so many people feel that way; I don't know what horror stories you’ve heard to make you this way.  So I am trying to stay positive and trying to prepare for the worst. But, if push comes to shove and things go really bad. I just have to say and I hope it echoes in all of my loved ones heads……”I’ve had one hell of a ride in this car”. 10,000 Thank You’s from me to you. 

Afternoon Edition: Rant

I’m laying here and thinking about how hopeless it all seems. Wishing I had the courage to do something about it. I wish I brave and prepared enough to run away, to take care of everybody or on those really dark days to kill myself. Things have officially gone the way that I thought. It’s out of control! And, I am starting to really change my mind about a lot of people. It’s one thing to get space from someone but its an entirely different thing because now when it could count, you start to see who some people really are now. 

I’ve been focusing on who people are and what they meant to me. But, it’s starting to not compare to who they are. Who they are now is what is important. It’s one thing to be someone or to do something to survive. But, it’s an entirely thing to be active and to take an attitude into yourself. This isn't the movies, you can’t just shake some people out of their attitudes. You can’t just make them over and over again. 

And, I can’t lie. I am pissed about it. I’m pissed not so much at the people but I am highly disappointed. What I am pissed about is the loss of the relationship. It’s not a relationship when someone only needs you or is interested in you when it can further their means or get someone else hurt. It’s not a family when your own family does nothing about this behavior and encourages it; uses it to their own good. It’s not a family when other people in the world who actually care about and protect you (like they should) are equated with the devil. 

This is the example I have from so many people. Should I just go and take. Should I just go about play with other people’s money. Should I spy on people. Should I lie about people. Should I go ahead and call other people stupid or just names in general. Should I go around and play with others people weight or health. Should I go out and hire other people to do all of the things that I just said. Should I use friends that you have had for years against you. If I did half of the things that people did to me…..they would go insane. I wish I could go around and poll people; here and far. I just want to ask them “do you care about me”. If they said yes, I would say, “Then why do you treat me the way you do. Doesn't it matter how I want to be cared for?”. And, if they said No, “ would say “why do you even stay around”. You don't care there is nothing else you can provide for me or any one else but more hate. 

What I do, do is protect myself from people like that. I try to protect other people. I tell the truth as I know it. I love people. I give as much as I can. I’m not an angel, sometimes I am moody and I am messy. More than anything I try to hold it together not only for myself but for other people. As a matter of fact, I will tell some more truth because recently something that I said was misquoted. Recently, I was talking to a good friend about the end of friendships and I said that they soon find out their worth. Now I wasn't implying that some people are worthless with you. I said that they find out their worth. And, in a certain situation, as I heard it. This person is worth something because of certain talents that they have. And, why would I be protective or even care…..I don’t care about his talents. I care about him. I don’t want him to be used or hurt. I don't care if they are nice and kind, I know how these guys play and they can be everything short of nice and gentle. But, then again, this is how they deal with me. 

As for the friend that I let go of on Facebook, I never said that I wasn’t going to be his friend. I never said that I didn’t like him. I’m just not his friend on Facebook. Why? because after I said something to him about something. I wasn't pissed or anything, he just turned on me. And, had to be really bitchy about it. So to try and preserve our friendship, I thought it would be a good decision to not be friends on Facebook. And, now I see his worth to old relations of mine. He is being used and is doing it freely or openly. I know that those people are nothing nice and gentle. But, then again that has been my experience. 

And, for all of my thoughts and ideas…..for my consideration…..this is what I get. And, I can only imagine what all these people have to say and who they are blaming it on. Since I am stupid it is impossible for me to have an original thought or idea. And, since I am stupid, I guess I am always wrong too. If things don’t work out soon, I can only imagine the fucked up life I am going to have. Every friend I have is somebody else. And, I am probably the devil because everything I do and like is the devil. If anybody here wants to do something from me, just leave shit alone and let nature takes it course. You can’t actually fix your life or anyone else’s without getting your hands dirty. The only thing I can really say is I believe you have to line yourself right and all will come together. I’m so tired of man playing God, that’s the real devil. The real devil claims to own people that doesn't even belong in their country; you cant even speak the same language. 

Mr. Devereaux and the Rocky Mountain Boy

While I was running tonight, I was actually thinking about what am I going to write about. And, I started to think about my life, what I want to do, my past, and my present. Some of those things are rather heavy to talk about. And, I want to be funny yet say something worthwhile. 

So now I am sitting on the John listening to the city come alive; folks washing clothes, car horns honking, my family waking up and I'm sure much more is to come. Like in few minutes, I bet my Mom is going to knock on the bathroom door.

Instead of being pissed off it's made me a little more nostalgic tonight or this morning. Why? Because in truth I knew it would happen. And, as much as things change, they always stay the same. People say that I never grow up but look at everybody else. If this is growing up then I'm giving up. 

Sometimes I wish I was younger....literally! I miss the old days. Growing up I was the black gay male version of Ms. Blanche Devereaux. And, I kicked it with a crew of tall Amazon sluts. You could say I was second in command or second tier. Anyway, we were mostly this way because of the times and because of our location. LA before good internet and color screen phones was fabulous! It was so fabulous that none of us was really thinking about the future. 

And, I wish I would have have some of good boys I met a chance. To be made into a good house husband or atleast someone who could be taken to dinner at someone else's parents house with pride. 

In a way, I did! I loved several good corn feed boys from the inner states. I loved one with a fierceness and I let it die. By the last good one came along; I didn't know I should have held on tighter. That's the problem with taking chances....you don't know what's going to happen tomorrow. 

The last one I met was a Rocky Mountain boy. He felt comfortable like those old pairs of shoes or underwear that you don't want to get rid of. He was simple and shy but awkward like me. I wasn't looking for him but he was looking for me. Not like he was on a mission looking for me but he wanted me. One day I was online and minding my business then I had a message. 

He was one of those boys that you really feel like; gosh, it could be real with him. We spent days and nights on the phone: talking about everything and nothing. But, I never acted seriously on him. In my defense, when I met him my world was crumbling to the ground. 

Eventually after no progress, the flame would burn out and we would disappear from each other's lives and come back together. It got easier to invest in short term guys instead of making a long term investment. 

Now things have changed. I feel like were caught in the movie Boomerang. He was Halle Berry and I am Eddie Murphy. He was the faithful and talented side kick and now he has become a force to be dealt with. In the movies Halle Berry goes back to Eddie. But, this isn't the movies and just like the Witch Aunt's in the movie Practical Magic say, "If he comes back, he won't be the same". I feel that way about a lot of boys. I'm starting to not even want some people back but that's a different story. 

The irony is that I love some boys some much in recent years. And, none of them really loved me; near or far. It's a cold reality and I try to play the game but it's never far from my mind. I'd rather know the truth and build good bridges then live on a lie that could way at any moment. But, that's another story and the moral of this story is.....love when you can. Take chances when they present themselves. Appreciate your present as much as your past because you don't know what will happen tomorrow.