Sorry

Its hard to not lose faith, its even harder to talk about loosing faith when there are so many people believing in you and crossing their fingers for you. And, if I had to hire some to be me and play the roll that I play in the world, I would totally hire someone else. I’m not too smart, I’m not too brave and I can be outrightly negative. Plus, lazy! All I every wanted to do was grow up, be pretty, play with men and make as much money as possible. But, here I am, life happened to me. 

After my last blog post, I could feel some tension from places that I don’t normally feel it from. And, its hard to make a statement when it could apply to so many people or when there are so many complexities to my relationships. There are people who are pulling for me and praying for me. I’m very thankful! I find myself always trying to make myself proud as well as others. And, I have never been so good at it but I doing the best I can.

Even with small degrees of progress and temporary victories, I worry because I have been in this same spot and position so many times. I have been here for so long, so many years of promises and ideas. And, so many times after I have done all the work, praying, crying and fulfilling any request…..when it comes time for things to happen, it never happens. And, having a bad attitude about things is not attractive on so many levels. But, having too high hopes can lead to you being crushed when things don’t work out. 

So many times I have had to start over from scratch. When I didn’t really get to far from scratch in the first place. But, it hurts because all of the progress that you have made internally and externally, mean nothing. None of what you have done means anything anymore. So you have to learn how to live all over again and at the same time try to preserve the life source that you have now.

As I have said before, people are not going to be happy with you doing well. When I got at temp job in the beginning of 2013, I was away from home about 6 hours a day and maybe four days a week. There was a possibility that I could get this job permanently and everyone was just miserable. It just seemed like everybody had a problem or was moody. It just didn't make sense to me, how could everyone be so unhappy when I’m not around to get in trouble or talk on the phone; just anything. As you can tell, I didn't get hired permanently. 

The friendships and opportunities that I lost never started out bad. They were good and full of hope. They were everything that I needed. They feed me and helped me. But, somewhere along the line, things always change and something happens. What once was this warm and understanding thing because this mean and questioning thing. As if they are looking for me to prove that certain bad things about me are true. The crazy thing about life is that if you keep looking for someone's bad side or keep playing with it then you will get it. And, more than losing an opportunity, seeing that change is frightening. You don't want to see people that you love, just taken over and changed. Then to be expected to stick around and have to take beating after beating. And, then not to be able to stand up for yourself or defend yourself with being the one thats blamed because you said something.

I wish that things were different but thats just the way things are. I wish I could be more than I am but this is it. I don’t know the future but despite all these things, I have to tell you guys that I am optimistic. Believe it or not! But, I recognize that more than believing that one thing will happen, that a series of things will happen, that I will keep this friend or get this job, I have to keep myself going on. And, no matter how hard to try to be strong , it hurts every time when things fail. Softening the blow is all that I can do.