I'm not living under normal circumstances. I live in a world where I am the bad guy or I am the one who is wrong because I like to stay up all night and day. It's not like I am asking anyone to stay up with me. At my old place I was up all night but I went out to fuck a few somebodies a week. Don't have that kind of privacy or space for anything like that anymore.
Anyway, I don't see myself as a bully. If anything I see a whole bunch of people who don't see me for who I am. They see rules and guidelines but know nothing about my body, my heart, my mind or anything. What's worst is that they do know; don't care or can't do anything to actually help me. Helping me is what's going to actually help the situation but there lies the conflict of interest for most people.
What makes me a bully is that I tell the truth or the truth as I see it. And, when you tell things or even tell on some one then that makes you the bad. But, the truth is I am the one whose bullied. I know the difference between bullying some one and handling business. In this day in age, these things kind of go hand in hand. And, there really is no talking or trusting. So what can I do but tell the truth.
I don't tell the truth because I want to get someone in trouble. I tell the truth because I want to stop the pain and the bleeding that bullying can bring. And, I wrong if I get upset? So many people, will taunt and do things just for that reason. How can you respect or care about people who put you in that position? You turn the tables on what a relationship should be and create enemy of me then blame other people for being the reason as to why we don't get along.
Then it's really upsetting to have people come in my life and be this way. And, what's more upsetting is the people you take away in the process. It's like, "well if I can't have a good life with you then I can't have any life at all". You can claim that it's for your safety but who am I? You know I don't like you but I'm not capable of the things you imagine. Any, this is not good, it's pesimmistic. I was a pest to my old boyfriend; I would not let up. And, in the process, I pushed him further and further away when I wanted him closer.
But, what's even more upsetting is that it's gone so far beyond me. And, you can look at me all day long but it's not about me. You look trouble, then cause trouble and then have to end up looking out for more trouble. Going into this long and drawn out cycle of the same thing. In the process of trying to have this closed off and local existence. You accepted people in your life to fix the problem and have made yourselves into celebrities for all the ruckus caused by other people.
The saying is true I guess. What they say about karma, magic and revenge. What we do comes back to us. Be careful what you wish for. And, all I can say is I've got a very small part to play in that. Like I have said before, I can't make anybody do anything or make any action. We all have self control but the fault in every single one of us is ego.
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