You Won't Let Me Give Up

Today I heard the whisper; it said I should give up. But, I don't know how I could. If I'm unhappy with you or without you. Life is hard and its short. Happiness is so valuable. Being 50% percent unhappy is more than enough to get you through a bad life. 

Right Now, I'm just not happy like I want to be. Yesterday I was having a panic attack. My anxiety was through the roof; my heart was breaking. And, I just thought to myself, this is not the life I want to live. This is not who I am. 

The character that is the strongest in me is nurturing. I give love! I give so much love that often times by putting them first, I showed them that I come second. And, who I am or I guess I should say is who I was, will not be having that. I was always the person that everyone came to first. 

But even my love falls on deaf ears. I could say something nice about someone who is foe to me. And, that will be met with so much drama. You would have thought that I said something awful about you. And, when that happens, in my heart, I just want to kick some ass. I just want to kill somebody. I'm just tired of ignorant people. That's a mean word but there is kind of a logical reason to that. 

Let explain this.....So once I had a friend  or family member say, "well he doesn't defend us like he does them". And, I thought to myself that's true. And, I asked myself why? Well the answer is how can I defend someone I know nothing about. I don't understand why you always have treated me the way you do. I'll never understand how you could ask for so much at the same time. Why you never sympathized with my condition. All you did was make me feel ugly then made me look it. I'll never understand why no matter how much I grow, it's never good enough for you. And, I'll never understand why you just won't let me go. Why are you ignorant of me. 

If you would just let me go, then maybe we could build some kind of relationship from a distance. All we are going through is foolishness. I know your moves too well. I wouldn't mind you living your life. But, everything you do, some how turns in to all about my life. 

I just don't see how I could give up. If I'm always the bad guy, how could I ever be a "good" guy? That's just way it is! It's been this way ever since I could remember. And, not let go of because I'm not normal. I've never been around normal people in my life. I just want to live my life, I was doing way better before all this, back when I could pay all my bills. I was on top of life once and I can do it again.