My motto for days like this is, when you can't point your fingers at one person, then you have got to start raising more fingers. Whatever has happened, has been a collaborative and calculated thing. And, judging by the joy in the air. To some extent, whatever was intended, was partially successful. If I know some people well enough, they will try again but only better.
But, what really fucked with me today was all the things that were coming up and out. Just the information that was sensitive and things that no one really talks about. Like this guy that I blogged about maybe last month because of an incident with a guy that I used to love. His name comes up and im like, "oh shit!". But, the funny thing is the exact same thing I said about him in blog post, they did the exact same thing I said was going. And, it wasn't a lie but it was like damn; if both sides of the fence are saying basically the same shit. God bless him!
I'm going to come back to that in a minute. But, what's really concerning and what's really bringing me down in my heart. Is the love lost! All the friends I have that I can't explain completely why things are the way they. How can you explain feelings and moments gone by. London Boy, just the perfect young man. A little dirt under his nails from growing through things and climbing up in the world. But, a good person. Then hear all the negative things that keep coming from his direction. Then to hear all the negative things now coming from the direction of a guy that I have tried not involve in my life too much anymore.
If I'm hit by a car, blow a tire or something then you know where to look. He would hate it if he knew I was talking about him. I've got two friends with similar names so for the sake of keeping him anonymous and not confusing him with some one else, will call him Pasadena Guy. So Pasadena Guy is some one that I met maybe in late 2010 or early 2011. So I made a trip a his house and he is a short nerdy looking guy but his body is amazing. But, he is well rounded, he does everything the right and proper way. Maybe that's because he was a lawyer.
Anyway, I used to come to his old house in Pasadena. We would have these fascinating dinners; he had talents in the kitchen like another friend that I mentioned recently. Ahhh, some of the best meals of my life. I would feel full without all the bloat, pain and sickness. I would spend nights at his house to get away from my home. He was another one of those people who used to cheer lead me on. When I had run out of ideas, he would have one. He wanted me to work because when he met me I was working I think.
So I got the job at that place which shall not be named. And, I had spent the night at his house a few weeks prior and it looks like his cat had scratch a big portion of the leather off my grey Puma bag. And, without hesitation, he bought me a new one that was similar. Anybody that's seen me travel in Europe, might have seen my yellow Puma bag. So the day, I went to pick it up, I brought a friend who shall not be named but after that everything changed. As the months and weeks went by things started to change. He seemed stressed, his weight went up, and some how we got closer but things got harder. Then it got harder to be with him. I'm a private person, believe it or not. My friends are my friends, not my families friends or anything like that. So when I start to feel like he was the source of pain, I let him go. And, I told him honestly how I felt. I wasn't trying to be bitchy but I tend to not be nice after a certain point, God forgive me.
No one wants to feel that some one that they loved and shared so much with has betrayed them. But a part of me kind of thought that if I let him go, that what ever it was would let him go. But, it never did. In some ways he seemed happier, he was making friends in my neighborhood and I don't even have friends in neighborhood. I wish him love and happiness. The funny thing that I have never said or blogged about is the one thing. If these people only knew exactly where or exactly how I came across some of my friends they would just die. We are all more connected then they might even know but I remember. I have a feeling that if most people remembered how they entered my life, things would be different.
As for today, I let it get to me. I hurt my best friend. I wasn't trying to. But, I just die every time that it comes to him. I think I love him that much more for every friend that I lost; so signals got crossed, I'm hearing all kinds of shit, my family is acting different and I'm ready to punch a wall because of a ghost. I wasn't mad at home but mad at the situation and pissed at home because I didn't want him to go anywhere. Anyway, I can't explain a feeling or a moment but these guys weren't just any old body that I fucked and forgot. These guys were my examples, champions, my friends and people who believed in me. People that want things from you. It's something I hadn't had for years and kind of don't have locally. Instead, I'm locked in with all the bad words.
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