In The Beginning

Today I don’t want to really write about anything too risqué. And, some of you might have noticed that even though some topics are negative in nature, I try to put a positive spin on things and if not positive at least a little more inquisitive, equal or fair. Why? More than some topics being under lock and key or witness protection ;-) , some topics I just don’t know all the facts. I don’t have concrete evidence. And, you really need more than concrete evidence these days. People are so influenced these days; you might dealing with a hand that’s being controlled another brain. So I can put puzzle pieces together and talk about my experiences.

Recently me and my best friend started to talk about love. In the conversation I stated that there is nothing like the beginning of the relationship. It’s in this time, a guy will go the extra mile, love gives you energy that you don’t have all the time. So you do things that you wouldn’t do under normal circumstances. And, there is an abundance of sex to go around. And, guys do those romantic things that they normally do. 

The beginning is the part that I never get beyond; to my luck and misfortune. I kind of miss having someone to make up with; the second best part of a relationship. But, that’s another story. I just make the best of what I have going on but it is rather boring. I can’t tell you how many times, met a guy on Grindr, I have gone over his house, had drinks (not necessarily alcoholic), told my whole life story, had sex with him, cuddled for a little while, showered together, then some type of romantic gesture, then I leave and there is most likely no second date. 

And, it always starts so hot and heavy, it just feels like there is something more between us. But, what’s really unfortunate about this is that it only seems to happen with local guys. I could go to Europe today, meet a guy, do all those things I said above, and still maintain a better relationship with him than I do with any of American man. At this point, I have only two American guys that are kind of constant in my life, that I can call friends. There are maybe three or four other guys that I trust but dont talk to often. 

If there is any part of these beginning its the endings. Things dont necessarily go bad like we have a fight or argument but somewhere along the line. We give up; it’s not even a conscious decision. But, some guys claim they are busy, like some how they weren't busy before we had sex. Some guys don’t even fake the funk, they just don’t answer any more. And, somewhere along the line, some how and some way these guys turn into enemies. Its like, there you were, in the back ground of my life for months and weeks, my big supporter and then you change. 

Some times I wonder what it is about me that made it this way. They say love is complicated but I think love is not complicated. When you love someone and that person really loves you too, it’s easy as pie. It’s the actual relationship part that is hard, the lack of communication, hear say, using our eyes, not our hearts, space and things like that. Things would run so much smoother if we could just talk to each other. But, then again, there is no guarantee that would work.