All because I just feel so completely and utterly helpless. I feel powerless. And, it's in moments like this it all feels so real. Today I had it impressed on me to be positive and to speak positive. And, I know that but how can you say positively, "These people are purposefully trying to ruin my life". And, no matter how much truth I give them, things I give them, nice I am to them; at every turn whether I will be taken advantage of. Even if and when they all get what they want. What are you going to do with me? What can you do with me? Half of you won't return my calls or anything.
And, you hear what everyone says and what those people have to say that, that person says and I just want to hear the words from their mouth. I want them to tell me that they have a plan for my life. If you won't leave me alone then how are we going to live together? You can come hug my mother, bring my Aunt to tears, ruin my relationship with my brother and take anything away from me that you want. But, you can't talk me to me. You can't even give me help because I can't trust you.
And, I just want to cry so bad but something inside me just wants you to understand, I want to understand and I want something or somebody to feel as bad as I do. So I know that I am not alone. Everybody talks about packing on the pounds and taking money from people. And, I go in my kitchen and my shelves are getting bare. There is hardly any fucking thing to eat in my house. And, I have thirteen cents in my bank account, a phone bill that's almost 200.00 because I have reconnectionfeed. Simply because I'm struggling to pay for a lawsuit. And, I wonder when these pay go to dinner at night or open their cabinets, do they think of my family? Do they think about my Aunt being in early retirement and having less money. Do they think about my brother and his desire to have an apartment. Do they really think that what they have done has helped me.
The people who are gone have helped me. Ben taught me to drive a car. Curtis feed me when I couldn't feed myself. Gareth brought me back to life and stuck with me when no one else would. Paul he stuck with me when no one else will. Frans told me to seek mental health. Peter and Frank told me to go back to college. Omar and the Lindsey, got me a job and when my own mother couldn't gave me money to feed myself and get well from a cold. My Bishop, Noel Jones clothed, feed and helped pay for me. And, some how all this dysfunction is helping. Right Now, I don't see any ducking body doing a damn thing for Daniel and the Williams family that doesn't benefit them first. Everything that's happening is for somebody else.
But, no one can see my face or stay in my face long enough to calm me down and explain what the hell is going on. No one can tell me where to go to get a job. Where I can go outside that is a safe place from the noise and drama of my home. There is no where I can run and be alone. There is no where I can go out any and everybody getting in my personal business. And most importantly, I can't get my dick suck with a fucking congress being held. I'm hurt and I'm sad.
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