Dunkirk

I’m feeling better but not resolved. Yesterday was not my finest hour. My fear is that people will see the hurt and bizarre behavior then come to their own conclusion. In my opinion, most people know what it’s like to have a hard time and go crazy over it. But, it’s an entirely different thing to go through a hard time for years and years. Day after day, it is always something else that threatens life, requires complete attention, needs clarification or a defensive strategy. 

Normal people go through a tough time at work or school but usually have an outlet. But, when the problem is the whole of your life, you don’t get days off. You don’t get naps. You don’t get bonuses. What you get is to keep on going. When I sleep i have nightmares about life, my family, my best friends, my past and even my dreams. And, I miss that rested feeling, that feeling that you get when you wake up and you know that your rested. 

When I wake up I am checking everything. I’m looking on my phone, I’m looking at the tv and more. Sometimes I forget to shower, brush my teeth or even eat. I don’t have the luxury of waving my hand at a situation and making it better. I don’t even have the trust of the people around. I guess I kind of thought common sense would prevail like if I say someone is bad or I dont want to hang or work with them then something must be wrong with them. 

And, I have to admit to myself, I am pretty foolish when it comes to friends. Inside me there is this intuition and it is strong. Some people I get around them or just watch them for a moment and feel, something isn't right but I give them a chance. Why? because I know people do the same thing to me all the time. And, it’s not necessarily that I am bad or crazy but some people have bad and crazy in their lives. 

Plus, it pays to be nice to people. The game of life tells us to be hard and to think about ourselves. It tells us to care about ourselves and this is true (depending on where you are standing in life). There are some people you just can not be nice to. But, sometimes it’s only you and the guy next to you. Both of you with your backs to a cliff, like the fighters in WWII at Dunkirk. And, when things are looking down on your end of the chain, the guy next to you, might be the man that saves your life or gives you a little more time to save your own life. Your enemy knows that and he knows he is even stronger with you behind him. 

Also something that must be recognized and said for the people lost to us. We don’t know what life is like for them on the other side of the fence. What don’t know what great things are or are not happening for them. And, that is unfortunate because something like that could make the difference. But, we can’t seem to get close enough to any of them without risking injury to ourselves or anybody else. And, whose to say that will ever be able to completely walk away from that situation. It’s not fair and it only leads to more destruction. People think why can't I be normal? Even yesterday, I said something in favor of someone and not even a day later this person was all up in arms over one of the main reasons why things are wrong. UGH! Why can’t everyone else be normal.

Even as I write this blog, things continue to digress and depress. It never ends, no one ever gives you a break. I don’t want to bother with you and I am not interested in you right now. But, your starting to hover over me and your making yourself a topic of interest. And, there are other things that I would much rather be doing like having a Sailor Moon marathon, scratching my balls and eating M&M’s. But, there is no rest for the wicked. So I guess I better get back to work and back to business.

Although I have to admit, I would feel much better if I had a resolution for my life. Getting back to the entertainment industry sounds good. But, after all is said and done, I just want to heal more than anything. Heal my body and mind with love, friendship and normality. I want to get back to things that I love to do. I would like to rediscover my interest in running and even doing hair. Finally write my first book of fiction and just be at peace with the world. Thats more important than anything else.