The feeling is indescribable. I'm don't feel anger or jealously, I feel disappointed. In my mind, I can grasp it in my mind. But, in my heart, I feel a sadness or a mourning that I can't quite describe. It's a sadness not so much for myself (although I do feel left behind) but a sadness because something else will not be the same.
I won't have the same feelings or thoughts. I won't do the same things and neither will the other because the reality is and the truth is out. It's not a great feeling for me and my issue. Some where along the line I stopped living. All I am now is alive but I'm not living my life to the fullest. So I can't be mad at anyone else really.
But, to be honest, I'm just trying to keep cool, calm and collected. Everybody and everything is changing and I don't feel the same. Maybe it's a miracle that I have discovered pot again at this time in my life. The problem is when the high comes down, I feel worse all over again. And, I don't want to abuse the pot. Although I have to admit that its losing its charm. Once something becomes a tool, a routine or ritual then its not really fun anymore.
And, what once was something that was meant to mellow you out has become this thing that is not a good thing. What I don’t want is to be judged. And, I feel judged and messed with when there weren’t so many more appealing options to get better. So once again, my illness has become something to be used against me and my work. Lastly, I think to myself, if I am not sick or if I am believed to be well then what exactly happened with all those job opportunities that I had in the past. And, why does everybody still love to put my name and crazy in the same sentence?
Recently, I have had conversations with a friend who has had mental health experiences similar to myself. And, I talked to him and said “What would make it better?”. Then I talked to another friend and he said to me, “There are more nice people around you than you think”. And, I have been thinking about these two questions all day.
For the second question I replied, “If this true then I guess the problem is me and my life”. And, that’s what would make my life better, not to be confused with my person. So what would make things better all around, I don’t know, I don’t know how to I can satisfy everyone. If I knew how to do that successfully, I wouldn’t be in the position that I am in now. The only thing I can think to say is just go ahead and accept. Let them run over you like a rushing river. But, I just don’t see that happening.
As far as I can see, there are more people that hate me and hate who I know (alone) than like me. And, these people are as determined as an ISIS suicide bomber. And, what they do is make things happen like no other does. And, I think that is the thing we have in common. We do what we say where going to do. And, were all smart and adaptable people; qualities that we mistake in one another. But, the more that I smoke weed and am out of routine. Something gives speed and new routine to others.
As I know it, there is only one way to fix all my problems and maybe more peoples problems. And, as far as I can tell, I don’t think it will happen. All I can say is things are going down; time is not on my side. The way, I see it, folks are testing the water all over and will know how to strike. And, the only way things go up again is through compliance. I know these people, they will not stop. And, with me being here, I am a direct line to others as well as an outlet. So now is a time for some creative thinking, some new ideas and to make things happen. A change in routine. Some careful and for God’s sake, quiet planning. Lastly, whatever you do, try to stay on the right side of the law. If you can make it legal and keep it legal then there is not much anyone can say or do. As I have shown, people will use whatever they can when they can. So I am sick when it serves someone else’s purpose. And, that can be spun all kind of ways; like I am the sick and crazy kid being taken advantage by foreigners, etc or yadda yadda. This is the way some people see it. Whatever you do, keep it legal, clean up your footprints and keep a good heart. That will be the difference and advantage.
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