And, the sad truth is that in my life, I am not winning. I'm not in control of my life and or of my decisions. Furthermore, if you haven't guessed from my previous posts....I make mistakes and I'm out of line sometimes. But, I guess that kind of comes with the territory of being young, not in control of my life and having so many out of control people in my life.
If anything bothers me today it's something that I've had said to me or implied to me several times over the last few months about the main thing that's been holding me back. Everyone keeps saying, " Try it for yourself"......" Give them a chance". Now think about this....somebody has to realize just how stupid it sounds. Forget about all the things that have gone down and everything. And, please correct me if I'm wrong because maybe it's the representatives around here that have fucked up that connection. But, the truth is, I tried it before all you guys did.
You wouldn't even have it or be trying it if it wasn't for me. And, it doesn't want to work for me. It wants me or atleast it used to. But, it does respect me or my wishes. It doesn't respect who I am. It wants to know everything about me but for all the wrong reasons. And, the funny thing is why have so much in common.
First off, I like my privacy even though I have this blog. I have always lived my life privately. I have best friends but I don't tell them every single thing I'm thinking or about to do until I'm ready. We both like to help people and give things to people. And, I'd say we both have control issues. I'll admit it and say it.....especially when it comes to friends, I'm territorial. I'm not going to go to the extent of saying that I own my friends because it's wrong to say that. But, what I will say is that, I'm territorial to the extent of protection.
But, I'd never thought that I'd have to be in a position where I'd have to protect my friends from each other. I think to myself, the mindset that others suffer from. And, I know for some the things that I have been saying are becoming real. The things that I have been warning new friends about and have been saying about being my friend are realized. And, the danger really is closer to home; spreading, growing and becoming more bold. But, I can't reach out to these people because it's like talking to a wall.
It's the same suffering and struggle that I know here at home. And, I don't know how to say it any more plainly or nicely but I'm not interested. If you were really interested in me, you wouldn't have dismissed me countless times. I'd still be working with you; I'd be doing with you, what I have been doing with countless other people.....learning and growing in love. Love that is real and honest; love that is not self seeking (atleast not to the point that it's going to completely ruin my life when it's done).
One of my favorite artists is Syleena Johnson. I don't know if it's because her birthday is the day after mines or what but I love the woman. She makes music that speaks to me. Her songs are r&b but not just about the flashy things. And, she has had real struggles in her career. She had to come from under her father's spotlight, her mother is a little crazy. She's it a big break through and was making records with huge labels. But, she knew that she wasn't making the records she wanted. And, she was having trouble securing deals because of her music and maybe even her looks (black, female and overweight). No one was supporting her vision. Everyone had guidelines and rules or just keeping up with the Britney Spears/Beyoncé era of woman soloists.
And, I realize that I can relate to this woman's life in my own way. I don't want to belong to some big machine. I want to do what I love and feel good about myself at the end of the day. I don't think I ever want to have the power to do or be apart of what's been done to me. And, as for those friends that I was talking about earlier. The ones that I or we have to worry about.....all I can say is this, " I'm sorry that we have gone through this ordeal together. I'm confident that you will be okay. I don't want to be your enemy as much as I am now your target. I guess you've discovered the same hate for me that seems to be universally shared. I can't deny that I am angry and disappointed in you. For you will gain the world at the price of keeping one man with nothing down. And, I pray that your hunger is never satisfied. I hope that you consume and consume but never know satisfaction. That you know the emptiness that I feel daily. The emptiness that comes from not having love, not having nearby friends, not being able to have sex or go other without fear for my life. ". Yeah, that last part is mean but it's true. For it is shameful!
The truth is I feel like I've paid any and every debt that I could have possibly paid. My old address hates me so what, current address....well they got it from the old address and old business. Old friends hate me, well you can guess where they got it from. So I have paid in years, friendship, financially, my health and tears. And, yeah! There are most likely some people that would like to kill and sue about 80% of you guys. But, I'm just done with all you motherfuckers. And, I wish I could give all of you the distinct pleasure of never having to see the guy that you hate so much. But, the truth is you need me for your own gain and I pray the same prayer for all of you. If you only knew how it feels, then maybe you would think differently.
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