Definitions

I think I have some different definition of things. Part of the reason why is because I am living and stuck living the way I do. While everyone else was out living life; working and growing to be something more or just another cog in the wheel, I was at home. So I recognize that I might not have the same ideals as others. But, I'm not exactly lacking in the social graces. I'm generally nice to people and kind to everyone. And, I think I'm pretty fair. 

So these days, "When someone says, you speak to me disrespectfully".....I'm flabbergasted. I know that I can speak disrespectfully but I don't even use my disrespectful vocabulary. For example, I would really like to say, "you wretched fuck, you treat me like a step child and think it's cool. Then you let every fucking bastard that comes along treat me exactly the same". But, I don't say things like that. I want to say things like that and much worse. I can cuss like a sailor and used to really enjoy it. 

So if it's not the language then it's the subject matter. The subject matter is harsh. But, it's the reality. And, I would speak the truth to any body because it may not be what you want but it's what you need to hear. Everyone around you is going to pump you up. Like today I was at Best Buy and watching these people who were all up in my situation, smiling  from a distance and being nonconfrontational; I'm returning the favor even though I feel like shit because I've been constipated for the last three days. And, I handle my business and leave, so as I am leaving I could feel the energy change. I'm doing something in my car and I couldn't help but watch them. 

And, it was then in there that I wished that people were honest with me, even if it hurt my feelings because that's growing up. Like if something is going on with my body, tell me the truth. Why? because this is something that should be handled correctly and accordingly. If you have to sneak around then it is deceitful. But, I know most people don't want to be accountable because they probably wouldn't eat the shit or whatever. If it was that good, you would have to be deceitful about it. It would have to be a secret. It would be something that I could manage. 

So this is the world that I live in. And, I know and believe that one good turn deserves another. Feel good about your victories. I know that I feel good when the world is turning at a speed that I can enjoy. But, in the back of my mind, I know that the tide always changes one day. Like today, there are people coming from all over the place, people I have never talked to and more. Everyone is probing my life today, looking for the  reasons for my success because me doing okay is such a bad thing for everybody else. I'm really getting tired of this if it wasn't for the love I do have I don't think I could go on. If someone asked me what the definition of survival is I'd say love.