I’m only human and I can only carry so much weight at one time. And, if someone is testing you, teasing you and saying bad things to you all the time then its hard to maintain. I don’t care if you do things a certain way; we have to have certain respects for other people. That means that there has to be another way of doing things. There has to be another way of accomplishing things without being aggressive or mean. There has to be a way of not being insensitive.
But, I know that this is the real world. And, you can’t force people to change especially if they are happy with the things that they like and know. You can’t say, change for me because I need you to. Who am I or you, to other people. No one wants to re-arrange their life for someone else especially some that they don’t like or are not getting anything from. Plus, if your like me, everyone see’s you as a kid, someone to sub servant to them. I’m almost 30 years old and have been hurt brutally from almost every best friend, parent and who ever else you can think of. Its almost impossible for me to be that way. Im not trying to rule over anyone; I think every one should be free.
So since I know these things….I know three other things now. First, I know that this is not working…. Secondly, I accept this life is not working for me. And, Thirdly, I know that this is working for other people and they won’t accept it any other way. They will break me down before they see it any other way. And, happily old friends, family and foes will go with it because it means they aren’t in trouble and I am right where I have always been.
The funny thing is so people why can’t you just live your life and I have a life of my own. And, secretly whatever one is asking of you is to setback, want less, don’t go far, leave other races alone, don’t care about your health, listen to everything I say (plus believe it whether it’s bad or good and whether I am right or wrong) and I am sure a couple other things. And, I just sent about seventeen plus years denying the way I was raised by my mother, the church and my good friends because I was trying to be someone who I was not; I tried to be straight, I tried to be what everyone says a black man should be, and I am sure of a couple more things. Its funny how I had to lose the world, everyone I love, and my mind to figure out who I am.
I like who I am and I am getting better. I have got flaws. And, I am not perfect all the time. If anybody else thinks that they are perfect I have got news for you. Your shit stinks sometimes too. The only thing we can do as people is get better. We are programmed that way. We have been that way since the beginning of time. Humans just get better. On a closing note, I tried desperately to reach out to old friends. I wanted to have those open and clear conversations. The upside of now is that my I could get some truth, my heart wouldn’t hurt so much over the way these relationships ended. I’ve mourn a lot of these relationships and I am curious about the other half. At this rate, I will have no friends at least not friends that aren’t everything that I wasn’t good at before.
It’s going to be a sad and lonely existence here in California. Today is one of those days, that I can confirm that things in my life are not going to end well. And, I know what I need to do for myself. If no body likes you and no body wants you and everyone thinks your problem…..what would you do? If you were being haunted or hunted and stop was not enough? What would you do? If you were around people who commit major crimes but think its okay because some one else said so…….what would you do? I know what I need to do. The time is getting closer, its coming for us. And, I can’t deal with it too much longer.
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