Los Angeles

Well, its kind of awkward to have so many people approach you like you asked for help. Like I’m out just asking people for help. No one really asks me if I want help. But, the light of this life shines so bright. And, lately I have been thinking about work. Why haven’t I got a job? Why would me being employed and away from everyone be such a bad idea? You’d think that it would be a good idea. 

Then I thought to myself, “Put yourself in someone else’s shoes……….look at the situation from another angle”. Like I had to try and understand, what does this mean. It’s gotta be a bigger reason other than health and not being chosen. My current theory is as long as I’m at home, everyone else has time to snoop. Everyone has time to be all up in everything past and present.  

Tonight I went to the video store and I’m hardly ever outside during business hours or even day light. But, as I was going there, things were fine. It felt like I was in the normal world. I started to recognize the bubble that I live in. So I arrived and did my shopping. As I was leaving the store, I could tell that time and everything else had caught up with me. Life felt a little more familiar and I sunk down a little more in spirit.

Life is so much better when I am away. I wonder if I am not seeing LA….I wonder for how long I havent seen my city and I live right here. Yeah, I see my LA; LA from inside of my bubble with all of my problems. But, I only ever get glimpses of this city. I’m sad about it because when I am alone and outside of my bubble, I recognize that this could be paradise. There are so many people and opportunities that could be had here. 

And, it makes me hate the world that I am missing all of it. That some people could be so strong, that they could own someone else’s life. That there fears and mistakes plus their opinion of you, could hold you hostage from meeting people, going places, getting work or whatever else. All I can see now is the last six years of my life wasted and gone. Even the things that I have done like finishing school, don’t really mean anything. 

The funny thing is I often hear about how some people just want their independence or autonomy. But, the funny thing is how could you want or ask from something that you would not only not give me but that you wont give others. And, that’s evident because if its not you then you get someone else to harass other people, who have physically done nothing to you. So what some body knows something about you. They most likely only know as it pertains to me. 

Marilyn Monroe said one of the most genius lines in the film Gentlemen Prefer Blondes. So she said, “Don’t you know that a man being rich is like a girl being pretty? You may not marry a girl just because she is pretty, but, my goodness, doesn’t it help? And if you had a daughter, wouldn’t you rather she didn’t marry a poor man? You’d want her to have the most wonderful things in the world and to be very happy. Oh, why is it wrong for me to have those things?”. So I think to myself, “Shouldn’t it be the same way with friends”. Don’t you want your son, mother, brother, daughter or who ever to be around people who really care about him or her?