Well, the funny thing about living the life that I lead is that you never really know what’s going to happen day to day but you know the consequences. You know that at some point, some body is going to get pissed off or something bad is going to happen as soon as you start to get in motion. All of which is why I try to keep my nose clean; hear no evil, speak no evil. Even though there are some times that I really want to be that way.
The truth is that I can’t forget myself even though more than most people I’ve got reasons to be a total bitch. Like right now, I am angry over a couple friends that I know are going through it. I’m angry over how their life is going to change and how they are getting ready to change as people. But, more than being angry, I am incredibly hurt and I feel guilty. Guilty because as much as someone else did this to them or they were “chosen”, I might as well have pulled the trigger myself. You can say that this person or that person is talented and they are moving on in their lives. But, why does moving on have to always be something that is at my expense and something that is done without me in their lives.
It makes me feel like a nuisance at first then it makes me feel like some kind of obstacle that they have to get over and/or kill to move on. I feel mined like an oil well or like a website/catalog to be shopped from. Just so used up! And, it always comes back to mind that what is so bad about me that I can’t seem to get the love that your getting ready to show to this person or that person. This person is going to lose weight, well I could stand to lose a few pounds, I am getting dangerously close to the 300 pound mark. This person is going to get a boyfriend while I’ve been single for 9 years. I just feel like I am good enough to take stuff from but too bad to get stuff. Maybe because everybody believes that I can’t have my mind changed.
That alone is proof of the damage. And, it is exactly what I was saying about respect a few days ago. It’s hard to believe in certain things when the contrary exists around you. Like this big business man could say, “Well, I am going to do this or that for you; this person is not your friend…..etc”. But, then you have the people around you who don’t want you to have more, who get in the way you doing more, living a better life, having sex or something. For example, if you said to me, “I’m going to make you a model”. The first thing I think to myself is have you checked my diet and health. I can’t even be made into a cashier at the local Burger King. It’s like watching someone piss you, then having some come from around the corner and say, “Well, it’s raining”.
These days I really don’t know about but I’ve never been more sure that things are going to explode. Everyone is pissed off at something or someone but mainly me. Even though I am sitting here ass out and almost broke all the time. Everyone comes to me, like I pulled the trigger. And, no one recognizes that the consequences of what their friends do and what they do. It’s a tit for tat life and I am just the tip of two icebergs. Everyone is entitled and rightfully so but when you take someone’s life then you’ve just raised the ante.
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