Once again, the topic of rape has come into play. Someone whom I know and like was raped. And, I feel awful for him as well as angry. We started this conversation yesterday and I couldn’t find out why I was angry. There is that occasion that I wrote about back in August or July but there was something more. So I asked my friend about this occasion and what he considered rape to be. His answer was not what I expected it to be; I didn’t know rape the way that he knows it. But, I don’t doubt that he was violated.
So this morning, a memory came back to me. Something that I have long suppressed in my mind. Something that I have hardly ever told a soul not because I was ashamed but because no one believed me. As you guys know, I am the slutty boy or was the slutty boy. I still believe in flirting and sharing naughty pics. But, my heart always stays in the same place. Anyway, let me take you guys on a trip back in time.
When I was thirteen or fourteen, my life was totally different. I was just a boy with band aids on his knees from playing outside with all the other kids. But, I know I liked male sex; notice how I didn’t say men or boys because I loved all of them. And, my best friend was not the best friend that I speak of from time to time. It was another black guy. He wasn't really a good friend, I think he saw me as this annoying kid to pass the time with (as he was maybe two to four years older) and I was his friend because he was one of the only other black gay kids I knew.
So you guys know that I was homeless for most of all of my teens. And, my mother and I just moved into this transitional apartments for people who were homeless. The westside and south central are two different places. Now I was between Beverly Hills, Westwood and Brentwood, a far cry from the gang ridden streets of LA. So I was bored out of my mind, my family didn’t own a computer, cell phones didn't have apps or color screens and they only way to be gay was to go to the bars or get on the party line. Two things I wasn’t really interested in.
So my best friend at the time says, okay, let me hook you up with someone. And, back then blind dates weren't so uncommon. My friend describes him and tells me he is like in his late 20’s or 30’s, light skin muscles, tall, has his own place and a blue mustang. So I am excited, I call him and he comes to pick me up the same day. I loved things things like that; I’ve got to fly by the seat of my underwear.
We he arrives, I am anything but turned on but I’ve made the date and my rule is to always follow through. You never know what adventure can happen. He wasn't my type at the time but I figured what the hell. So we decided to go back to his house and relax; watch a movie or something. I’m fourteen or so and cant think of anything else more exciting. So we get to his apartment in Inglewood, we sit down, and we relax.
After a while, he begins to start taking off his clothes. His body is cover freckles and moles in a really disgusting way but it was kind of hot in his apartment. So he starts making his move and I think okay, I will kiss him and leave it there. But, he keeps going, he starts trying to take my clothes off. And, I stop him and find a way to go to the bathroom. When I went in the bathroom, I dont even think I used it. I think I called for my best friend to come pick me up and take me home. So I came back out and made no mention of my phone call.
He tries to kiss me again. This time when I pull away, he doesn’t let me. He is locked on to me, he is trying to pull off all my clothes. And, I remember trying to fight back but he was so much stronger than me. When he tried to have anal sex with me, I did the only thing I could and scream “no” multiple times. I screamed and fought until he let me go. After that he didn't really have much to say. I just gathered my clothes and waited outside on Centinela st.
The irony is that I love right around the corner from where this guy most likely still lives as his father owned the apartment building. This is how I define rape; this is how I know rape to be. And, it is something that I would never do to anybody because I know how it feels. I know what it’s like to be hurt. So when my best friend comes to pick me up, I tell him all about it and he doesn’t even believe me. He laughed in my face and I never really told a soul again.
I cant say it more clearly or loudly, rape is a serious accusation and the pain of it is even more serious. And, I think rape should have different classes and definitions. As some one whose been on both sides of the fence (not saying that I raped anyone). But, I know the pain that comes from both sides and the scars can last much longer than any of us can imagine. So to all you guys, think twice before you say rape and know what it really means. No means no but no can mean a totally different thing after a line of yeses. Know how to defend yourselves and protect yourself. And, be selective of your partners if you can.
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