Afternoon Edition: Trickster

I could make a friend in Tibet. I could make a friend in Samoa. I could make a friend in Antartica but in America or even in Los Angeles….Impossible! Recently it was imparted to me, in so many words, that “Its about how you treat the people that can do nothing for you”. And, I totally agree with that. You have to treat all people good and equally. But, that is not necessarily the reality. 

The reality is that you can’t trust people. Its especially true for people who are geographically in same location as me. I just can’t tell you how many times I have had people get close to me and disappointment me. And, worst than disappoint me, just vanish and it happens all the time. It just happened with the boy I mentioned a little while ago. And, it happens all of time. I hate it! So I have to be defensive and that might make me seem some kind of way but I have to not mind. 

At the end, I just want to take care of myself and the people that I love. That means more to me than anytime. I know that some people might take that for guaranteed but I don’t. When there have been many nights where you have not been okay. Sometimes that’s the biggest mission of your day, just how exactly can I make it through the day. How can I make it to bed peacefully and happily. And, these days, you just know that, that’s not everyone’s luxury. 

The first time I really let my guard down, it got the best of me. So I was in love with the guy basically. I thought it was just more than perfect for me. And, because we had shared such a special time together, I thought that he might have felt the same. But, one day something started to look wrong. And, I saw on his Facebook page where he had gossiped about; he referenced me with words like monster. He talked about things he wanted to do to me. As if I am Godzilla, stumping around the time and smashing buildings. 

And, because I loved him, I kept it to myself. I just shrugged it off. I thought maybe I would stick it out with him a little longer. When things started to really hit the fan in his life. He started to look at me and think, “Maybe I am wrong……maybe I can relate to him”. And, even thought he knew this and sort of acknowledged this to me, there was nothing that he could do. There was nothing he could to really change. And, to this day, I struggle with him. I struggle to be good to him and do right by him. But, I always kind myself…..letting him go. 

I just can’t do that anymore. I can’t smile at too many more people who come along still energy from me. I can’t really smile at people who kiss my ass and stab me in the back at the same time. I just can’t deal with petty people and I find so many of them here in California. More than dealing with them, I just can’t afford to lose myself on a trickster. Sometimes it’s a matter of life and death…….and like the old folks used to say, “You just don't want your life or death in the hands of some people”.