I’m laying here and thinking about how hopeless it all seems. Wishing I had the courage to do something about it. I wish I brave and prepared enough to run away, to take care of everybody or on those really dark days to kill myself. Things have officially gone the way that I thought. It’s out of control! And, I am starting to really change my mind about a lot of people. It’s one thing to get space from someone but its an entirely different thing because now when it could count, you start to see who some people really are now.
I’ve been focusing on who people are and what they meant to me. But, it’s starting to not compare to who they are. Who they are now is what is important. It’s one thing to be someone or to do something to survive. But, it’s an entirely thing to be active and to take an attitude into yourself. This isn't the movies, you can’t just shake some people out of their attitudes. You can’t just make them over and over again.
And, I can’t lie. I am pissed about it. I’m pissed not so much at the people but I am highly disappointed. What I am pissed about is the loss of the relationship. It’s not a relationship when someone only needs you or is interested in you when it can further their means or get someone else hurt. It’s not a family when your own family does nothing about this behavior and encourages it; uses it to their own good. It’s not a family when other people in the world who actually care about and protect you (like they should) are equated with the devil.
This is the example I have from so many people. Should I just go and take. Should I just go about play with other people’s money. Should I spy on people. Should I lie about people. Should I go ahead and call other people stupid or just names in general. Should I go around and play with others people weight or health. Should I go out and hire other people to do all of the things that I just said. Should I use friends that you have had for years against you. If I did half of the things that people did to me…..they would go insane. I wish I could go around and poll people; here and far. I just want to ask them “do you care about me”. If they said yes, I would say, “Then why do you treat me the way you do. Doesn't it matter how I want to be cared for?”. And, if they said No, “ would say “why do you even stay around”. You don't care there is nothing else you can provide for me or any one else but more hate.
What I do, do is protect myself from people like that. I try to protect other people. I tell the truth as I know it. I love people. I give as much as I can. I’m not an angel, sometimes I am moody and I am messy. More than anything I try to hold it together not only for myself but for other people. As a matter of fact, I will tell some more truth because recently something that I said was misquoted. Recently, I was talking to a good friend about the end of friendships and I said that they soon find out their worth. Now I wasn't implying that some people are worthless with you. I said that they find out their worth. And, in a certain situation, as I heard it. This person is worth something because of certain talents that they have. And, why would I be protective or even care…..I don’t care about his talents. I care about him. I don’t want him to be used or hurt. I don't care if they are nice and kind, I know how these guys play and they can be everything short of nice and gentle. But, then again, this is how they deal with me.
As for the friend that I let go of on Facebook, I never said that I wasn’t going to be his friend. I never said that I didn’t like him. I’m just not his friend on Facebook. Why? because after I said something to him about something. I wasn't pissed or anything, he just turned on me. And, had to be really bitchy about it. So to try and preserve our friendship, I thought it would be a good decision to not be friends on Facebook. And, now I see his worth to old relations of mine. He is being used and is doing it freely or openly. I know that those people are nothing nice and gentle. But, then again that has been my experience.
And, for all of my thoughts and ideas…..for my consideration…..this is what I get. And, I can only imagine what all these people have to say and who they are blaming it on. Since I am stupid it is impossible for me to have an original thought or idea. And, since I am stupid, I guess I am always wrong too. If things don’t work out soon, I can only imagine the fucked up life I am going to have. Every friend I have is somebody else. And, I am probably the devil because everything I do and like is the devil. If anybody here wants to do something from me, just leave shit alone and let nature takes it course. You can’t actually fix your life or anyone else’s without getting your hands dirty. The only thing I can really say is I believe you have to line yourself right and all will come together. I’m so tired of man playing God, that’s the real devil. The real devil claims to own people that doesn't even belong in their country; you cant even speak the same language.
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