Lets talk about love…in the interest of keeping things lite for a little while. Something that I wrote in my last blog stayed with me. What has stayed with me is “When you put other people first all the time, you teach them that you come second”. And, in the words of Lindsay Lohan, “I want to come first” especially when it comes to love. It hurts to give soooooo much love and get so much drama in return.
My giving and loving other people doesn’t come with expectations. I don’t expect anything back and if I did, it would be that I expect you to still be the person that I love; in good times and in bad times. Next, my giving and loving other people doesn’t stem from a lack of self love. The truth is I love myself a little bit more or differently now. Yeah, I am getting older and I am not as pretty as I used to be but I know who I am and I like me.
The cold hard truth is, even though I love, respect and like so many people, there are more people that care less about me than I care about them. And, it’s never been more evident. In recent weeks and months, I have showed my concern, regard, investment and maybe even some heroism for people near and far. And, all my love and dollars has seen is negativity and bad actions in return.
Yet some how and some way, even though I know I should just walk away from a situation or a person, some how I always manage right back where I shouldn’t be. And, thats basically the definition of insanity, doing the same thing and expecting a different result. And, I know in the eyes of many I must look like a pitiful fool because the truth is, it is foolish to do this. It’s never seen as me just trying to live my life or even being obedient. Maybe I want people to like me or maybe I want to show people I like them. Whatever the case, it looks awfully bad on me.
And, I wonder if thats why I am not making too much progress in my life. You can’t really do new or exciting things when you have people around you who don’t understand you, don’t like you, think what your doing is wrong or stab you in the back. They act like the whole of the United States is at stake when not even the city is at stake. YOU treat people a certain way based on their relationships, location or past in regards to me. YOU hunt them down. YOU get mad when they do better than YOU. This has everything to do with YOU. And, you know who you are. Anyway, if people think your this foolish then they will always try to fool you or try to take advantage of you when it really counts. I could win a trip or be up for a scholarship, and things about me that don’t apply will come up. Anything to keep me out of doing something thats far. Even though doing something local isn't exactly working out is it? If you cant shop in peace then how could I work or go to school locally in peace. You’ve become this play thing, its almost like they just want to keep you busy where you are. There is no one going out on a limb for me, no matter their side, to actually fix things instead of people. However, my ass is swing on a tree, ready to be smack by any nearby branch. And, I have enough dreams for two people.
But, in my defense, there is not too many places in a fifty mile radius that I can go and just escape my life. To just be safe, alone and have normal or understanding people in the background. And, as it stands, there are not many places I can go thats far away either without running into the same thing. It’s kind of like I always say, “Everybody wants you to be an adult and expects sooooo much but talks to you or treats you like a child. But, step out of line and you get adult consequences”. And, I am tired of being a child, mentally ill or a man when it suits someone’s purposes.
The truth is I am all of those things at the same time. I am a young man who happens to suffer from mental illnesses but is growing. I’m not at a fixed person or a doll; I can’t stay the same for ever. Now imagine being seen this way and having enemies. So I am an evil child who is foolishly mentally ill. And, sometimes I think it’s laughable and unbelievable. I’m the evil guy who buys things and tells the truth as I know it. Like lying is such a great thing. It’s not like I am suing people, stealing from them, taking over people’s minds or giving out their social security numbers. The truth is I am as much of any enemy as you make me in your mind and in your actions. Maybe thats not even truth, maybe I am as much of an enemy.
I’m not a bad person. And, the truth is you’d have to invent something about me to make it look that bad. There is really only one time in my life that I have done something so wrong and I went to jail for that years ago. Whats even more true is that there are so many people involved in my life and I will most likely never meet them all. So they will have no other reason than to believe what they hear or believe what they read. For that reason, I will always come last; I will always be under educated, be under experienced, and right where I am. Of course, this is just my opinion, if I am wrong then prove me wrong. Let me be clear, show how in the past that I am wrong, don't try to make me wrong tomorrow. And, there are certain variables to be considered in certain cases and doesn’t apply to everyone I know, have given to or loved.
In closing, I guess this post isn’t as lite as I wanted it to be. I actually meant to write about love in a romantic way. I wanted to talk about how when someone wants you, they show you, and they do what it takes to make sure that you guys happen. That’s who I will end up with! And, I wanted to talk about how my tastes have changed. About how love is not just a feeling but a conscious decision. But, some how I ended up writing about this. A topic that I even think is a little distasteful. Its not that I want some one to do something for me or I want people to care but I think I want people to grasp the reality and gravity of the situation.
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