For the last few nights I have been suffering from insomnia. Plus, my sleep schedule is off and I’m not feeling well. The good news is that I don’t have much going on at the moment as I am on vacation. And, I don’t want to be bratty and petty about the small stuff; things could be worse. But, I am reminded as to why I like to sleep earlier. I like to avoid all of the hassle and stress of people. By 2 p.m, I am just done with the world.
It’s funny how when you go of the things that bind you up, you can really see and listen to things. You can understand people better. So as I lay here, I listening to everything not because I want to but because its all very distracting. I’m trying to let myself fall into my dreamland but every time I almost get there, I hear foot steps and bumps within the building, I’m hearing lines from movies that I liked and more. And, I just can’t fall asleep.
So now my brain is ticking away and I am putting things together in my head, “Have turned on the Where’s My iPhone feature, how am I going to pay bills for the rest of month. How can I save money or make a little extra money. Did I lock all my stuff up. Oh, shit I forgot to wash the dishes, I am going to hear about that in morning”. And, then I start thinking about yesterday and today plus I am anticipating the next day. Then I am thinking about my friends and family; the burden I am to them and the burdens that I have given them.
There have been some good things to come out of this insomnia. I don’t know if I am having good luck, if I have aligned myself well or I just have the favor of the Gods, but whatever the case I’m thankful. And as much as it hurts, I also feel better because something validated other feelings, writings and thoughts that I’ve had. When you’ve been repeated been told things like your stupid or a liar. It wears on you and it sinks in a little. So knowing is a real pleasure for me right now.
However knowing that I am having problems with so many friends at one time is troublesome. These arent just people that I fucked and forgot about. No one understands the ties and no one understands what its like to feel the only people that you’ve ever had in your corner turn on you. It hurt when I knew they were lost to me but to feel them twist and turn the knife into you is like losing them all over again. I havent really cried or had the time to even feel bad about it. So I wear it like I wear all the other bad titles that I own. I’ve got to carry on and face the possibility that I might have to start to look at these friends as enemies.
And, I think it’s a really shitty thing to be blackmailed for friendship. I think it’s a really shitty thing and petty thing to harass someone until you agree to be friends with someone. And, more than all of these, I really think that its a shitty thing that I have to suffer because everyone has “evil eye glasses” on me. Everyone is looking for that aggressive move, that one thing that they can use to blow hell right own . And, I don’t really want to give anyone the pleasure the or the gift of my wrath, help or sadness especially if it can be turned around and used against me. And, once you start fighting, everyone is going to look for a reason to keep going.
When I look over the last two days, I reminded of the differences between me plus my friends and other people. I’m reactionary, I respond to events and happenings that I come across. While most other people are stirring the pot always. I’ve got a friend here who is always talking about a day away from the internet. And, I think to myself, I would love that or the ability to talk to just my favorite guy. But, the minute that you sit down and try to just enjoy life; it’s like the world around me starts to tumble down. Next thing I know, my computer is going to break down or my phone or something.
Now by this I mean no offense but I just wonder who I could be or what I would be like if I didn’t have to deal with stuff like this all the time. Everyone complains about how exhausting or helpless that they feel. How the heck do you think that I have been feeling for the last few years. I’m tried and living like I do is the only thing I am good at. If there ever is a end to all these issues, I will be starting at level one.
No comments:
Post a Comment