You know I might have wrote some of these lines before but so what. Tonight I'm feeling nostalgic in the worst kind of way. Growing up and living with my Mom was an experience; hardly ever got in trouble for doing something bad. However, I always got into trouble for what I forgot. She liked to say that I have selective memory. Ask me what the lady in church, sitting five rows ahead had on three or four Sunday's ago and I could tell you. Ask me what I learned in school that day and I will go blank.
Certain things just stick out to me. Something in my head just starts recording when I find something that sticks out to me. And, it's not always valuable information but sometimes it's information that becomes valuable later. What I hate about that is, sometimes it's too late. Sometimes things happen before I even have the time to decipher that information or I just didn't know how important the information was until it was too late.
Often times I remember moments in time before my life turned into what it is today. I remember lines of conversation and events from old jobs, friends, places I've been and more. Tonight there is one line that is playing in my head from a conversation I heard three or four years ago. I just remember being in an office and hearing this lady say, "If we're going to to kids, then I can do kids". And, my brain recorded this Latina lady saying it. My brain had no context for what was to come down line. But, what made the moment special to me was the sound of her voice and look of her face.
You ever get that feeling like somebody had a run in with someone, they got scared or something and then made it up in their mind what they were going to do about the situation. Like they were re grouping and going to fix some problem. I don't know why it would even matter to me. But, looking back on the years and letting time go by, I know what it meant.
And, I'm not writing this to per say tell on anyone but it's just the fact that I remember now and I know what it means. It makes me wish that I could have said something then. It makes me wish that I wouldn't have been so ignorant. It makes me wish that I would have used my head. It makes me wish I could have saved a lot of people some trouble. It makes me wish that I was powerful enough to say, "hey, back up and butt out". But, sometimes there is nothing that you can do.
What really bugs me about being so small is that your insignificant in so many others eyes. Like in my life, I have had a whole bunch of friends who I was once close with but now I'm not close with them now because it's like they choose to believe the bad stuff. They choose to believe the hearsay and decide that the lies or ugly truths are the sum of my character. I don't know if they felt betrayed or something. But, it's like meeting with someone whose found a new religion and is committed to their faith. They act like they know and believe that their religion is so good, better than others and is going to make everything alright.
And, naturally I would want to smack the living shit out of them. Sometimes I want to scream, have you even met these people these people. Have you seen these people in the flesh; you believe these people are so great and I'm the one who's actually met with these people face to face and spent a good amount of time with each of them. And, trust me, there is not much angelic about any of them. Business has taken on a new life for some people; your cheering about something that your eyes have never seen and happy with a product that only you and a select few others receive. And, once again, I'm not writing this to tell on anybody but to point out something that has been on my mind for a while.
If there is a theme that can be found here it is that we do so much without real vision. We take information and if you don't have experience or a mind to conduct without messing up shit, lives, relationships and more than some things were probably better off before you came along. Prime example, the Middle East., like before the Iraqi Wars. There were most likely beautiful things there and parts of life that was fine. But, things like that are usually destroyed when politics and such come into play. It's never just a target that's affected, it's the whole area that is. It's amazing what a couple secrets can do. It can make someone who has some power, raise up and start a war over something stupid.
No comments:
Post a Comment