This past week I talked to someone who said that they spend too much time online. And, he asked me what I do for fun offline. It's been so many years that I can't exactly remember what I used to do to fill my time. I wish I could remember. So I have been thinking about all the things I used to do. And, not just those general things like TV, exercise, go to the movies, go to dinner with friends, ......I used to do all of those things.
And, I remember what I used to do. Daydreaming used to be my thing. I used to daydream all day long. I know you guys might think at this point, what a pointless blog post. But, here is where I give you the gift...atleast of knowledge.
Daydreaming is another form of visualizing and motivation that can turn into planning. If we can visualize or daydream, we can see what we want for ourselves. We create ideas that can be researched and put into action. For example, for all the months and weeks that lead up to me becoming a model, I just thought about how much I wanted people from high school, ex boyfriend, and many more to eat their words. So I would exercise like a maniac and I would be so tired but everytime I thought about my ex boyfriend I just got amped. I would listen to Britney Spears "Gimme More" and Timbaland's "Return The Favor", I would exercise and dance.
And, I look at my life now and there is not much room for imagination or action. Atleast not the kind of action that I'm talking about. When I woke up this morning, you could feel the energy in the air that says, "Ahh, there you are.....we have been doing something in regard to you". My brother is walking around all angry and irritable, Mom's looking snark and my Aunt is quiet (which is kind of un nerving).
It's no secret that I will be coming into some extra money soon. And, I usually know this two to three days before I get it. But, this time I found out about it a week or so in advance. This is normally the time that I usually daydream the most. When I get money, I always think to myself, "How can I make dreams come true, How can I make this last and What is going to make my life better". To answer those questions, I have to think about other people. But, instead of thinking about, what I can do for us, I'm thinking about, how can I stop this from being one of those land claim rushes of the old west.
If you haven't figured it out, money is one of the only things that can change things over night. And, it makes me think about my situation, my family says they don't mind if I leave here for good. But, the way they act is totally the opposite. And, I think to myself, "wouldn't a person, be pissed off at the fact that you normally can't contribute or take care of yourself". And, I mean they have to understand and know the reason why I'm not getting a job, right? Knowing these circumstances and knowing that your financial situation is getting worse or limited....wouldn't you be trying to give me away. Then thinking about all the circumstances that you guys go through over me, things you do to me. Like being so disagreeable when I have money. Wouldn't a normal person be tired? You would think that despite everything, that on some money, you would be happy for me and happy for yourself because I always do stuff for friends and family. I just don't get people and going through the same motions all the time.
This house needs some imagination. At this point, I don't think anybody remembers what they used to enjoy before a certain point. What is it that kept us happy and unconcerned with petty things. What did we have going on within ourselves that kept us happy or that keep us reaching higher. Right Now, I don't know if there is any thing that is growing . I hope I get that fire back, the ability to dream and visualize the future. And, the space to actually try for my dreams. To have a life with purpose and direction. That's where we gave up and grew up, the day that we stopped trying for life.
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