A declaration of war is not always so formal. Sometimes the signs speak for themselves. And, at that exact moment, I feel the pains of the future coming long before they arrive. I know the very scrutiny that I will feel downline. And, my heartbreaks at the thought of all the losses I will suffer, at the thought of being alone and losing all the love that holds me now. All I see is human faces with so much light in them; minds with a third eye that holds liberal vision. I’ve never seen anything more real in my life.
And, I know that I cant face this destruction again. This time I want to stop the collision; not again. I’d rather stay and face what ever my lesson is here. I’d rather lose my soul then be lost of another person who could see me. See me for who I am; the good, bad and the ugly. Those same eyes still turn to you and say lets get to work. Let’s live and work. That’s all I ever wanted; to belong to something that wasn't dark, dysfunctional, or psychotic. In a world where your birth dictates your place, your race serves as basis for hate and where we play battleships with our lives on macro and micro scales, is it so wrong to want more or be more.
Is it so wrong to not want to be simply just a generational update of your parents life. I just want to feel like I am making dents in this world; teaching children, making friends, seeing the world and letting the world see me.…seeing the community that I come from. It’s always been in me, this feeling of being free, but somewhere along in my childhood I met disfunction and we married in her name. Identity is so important in this world and I don’t want to give mines away to be perfect for someone else’s purposes. I have purposes of my own; I wish to love a man that’s not like me, that’s not like what I know.
If I could break the ties that bind then maybe I could live that purpose and serve it. But, as it stands I can make no expectations of man, as I have my hands tied behind my back and leg shackled to the ground. All that I offer is myself, my love, friendship, my time and of course a collision. What wicked webs we weave, it took all of this for me to understand what friendship and love really was. The only thing that you might actually take when you go to meet your maker. Love and friendship, those places in my life where the war is really fought.
So should I stay or should I go. Do I keep calm and carry on ;-) Do I try harder to keep love and light within me. Should I grow thick skin and claws. Should I be a mean boy? What in the world should I do besides cope. All I want is a way to keep the wild and dark days away. A way to walk in the sun and light and be okay. To be healthy and valuable to society. I’ve got a lot more thinking to do and rationalization to do. You’ve got to lose to know how to win. But, I can’t handle too many more loses.
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