But, it was a nasty process especially once parents got involved. Some parents would seek legal action. They would say things like, "well when he is at home, this is how he is". And, they would demand certain services that they very well might not be entitled to.
This brings me to one of my points. Who I am to you, I might not be to the next person. With my friends outside of my home life, in public and with strangers.....I am who I really am. Being at home, it is a different story because I have a certain kind of history. A history that most would not understand. And, I'm not going to get into all of that right now. But I will say that how can you be kind, respectful or listen to someone when you know A. What they think of you. B. When they have or played a part in things that have hurt you but innocent friends. C. Have lied to you on several occasions. And, yesterday I heard some one say...."well we don't fight with out family". That's because you probably had a family asshole, is what I said to myself. I've never been apart of a family or a crew, there are few people in my life today that I have known for years that at one point haven't betrayed me or lead me a stray. I don't really know how to belong or be apart of something because I'm repeatedly cast out and whether it be by actions or words, I'm told that I am wrong, the things that I like and do are bad and wrong.
So if I am crazy, wrong, weird or fucked up in the head to you then that might explain it. And, I can't lie I am mentally unwell. I've caught a lot of trouble because of that. Most people tend to equate sanity and smarts with me. And, I am only smart when it distances me from mental health help. At my clinic West Central, I can hardly get help anymore. I call to make appointments and no one answers or my appointments get messed up. And, I am shot around from doctor to doctor. So I am trying to change my clinic now. But, I have started self medicating. Everyone used to get on my case because they disliked my medication because of the side effects; permanent shaking, sickness, weakness and bad nerves. Most people seemed to act like I was taking it for my vanity. Well after the last two years, I have gained over thirty pounds. And, as it stands, I have gained 100 pounds since 2009. I would say that the pill wasn't working then. My body felt so impure and still does most days, I'm always full of fillers and drugs. You could probably get high off my blood. So I smoke pot now! It cures my ailments; my muscles even feel a little better. But, now everyone has a problem with my pot. And, truth me told, I get tired of missing out on life for moments at a time. I wish I never needed any kind of drug. But, I do!
Sometimes I just feel like if I stay this person; sick and some that everyone thinks is the seed of the devil then they won't have access to benefits and services. I know what it's like to be loved and the best parents that I have ever seen are usually the parents that have special needs children. They fight for their children. If they see that something is making them smarter or better; they go to the ends of the earth to have it. Not for themselves but for the child. Some times I just feel like a welfare kid; a meal ticket for somebody else.
And, I'm looking at myself and at this life of mines and despite all the love I have, I am still sad about all the hate. My existence is tied to the livelihood of so many people that I have not invited into my life. People that took it upon themselves to insure my downfall, so they could insure their survival and elevation in life. Never thinking about who I am or what the hell am I going to do next. If I can't go to school, I am destined to fail my classes, can't get mental health services, can't have the friends I want, be the weight that I want to be, have sex, masturbate in peace, get a job, have a boyfriend, smoke pot, travel abroad to help the less fortunate.....then what can I actually do but sit here and get fat.
When events like this happen, I wonder about my life and future. I wonder what the hell I am going to do with my life? What can I actually do with my life? Who the hell are my friends really? It's getting to the point where I am scared to stay here because there is no way I can keep all these people out of my life and face at every turn. Things that have nothing to do with them. What if all that was happening now was to try and give me a life here. A life that was not online and more real. A life that I could accept and enjoy then obviously the recent actions will tell us that, that is not possible.
No comments:
Post a Comment