Maybe I am selfish. Maybe at this very moment, I should be proud for other people. Maybe my selfishness is making me a hater. Maybe I should submit. Maybe all of this negativity is suppose to be some kind of reverse psychology. But, I just can’t see it and I wish that I could because I don’t like having problems.
But, the truth us I can’t see it. First of all, I just wanted to say if I treated you like you treat me, how would you feel? Secondly, do I ever treat you this way? Thirdly, how am I ever suppose to respect you if you can’t be respectful? Fourthly, if your suppose to be a leader and I am suppose to follow….isn’t my state of well being a reflection of you? Fifthly, how am I suppose to ever be a leader of this person that you say that I am not, if you keep treating me like this?
Its like if you wanted my attention or something, then why lie to me….why lead me astray? Were you ever really looking at me. Did you ever notice that I was trying to give you the best. Did you notice that I was keeping on the level with you. Did you notice that I was including you? Did you know that I just bought you something? Did you notice that I cared?
Don’t you think I know you? Don’t you think that I know there is something in it for you to be this way? Something that meant more to you than family and friendship. Your not the first and your not the last to be this way to me. And, the reason why your the perfect subject is because your the closest to me. You could hurt me more than most others.
How quickly we forget months before when you complain about being home. When you cursed the things that sustain you now. When we exchanged glances over a mutually seen mess and nodded in agreement. Not that we are close. You think you know whats going on in my life and yet you still don't know. The irony is that you do me, the way that I do you.
On the other hand is maybe if you knew me better, you wouldn’t do me like your doing me right now. But, I guess I should know better. I can’t even get my old friends to get to know me. I can’t get my old friends to be my friends. Words, love and affection don’t mean anything in the line of duty. The whole time my words were soft and kind. The whole time my words were thoughtful. But, you will hate me because I said them.
My silence is not my weakness; it is my strength and restraint. It is sword and my shield. It is myself listening to you. It is the respect that I give you; that you run over. It is the space that I give you to spread and roll out over everything. It is the hope that you will change. It is the hope that things will change. It’s me laying at God’s feet. But, what you will only see is submission, tears and bursts anger….all you ever needed to keep me your little boy.
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