The Darkness of Tonight

It's days like today that I remember why I adopted the night. Some days are so awful and so petty that I just don't want to face them. Instead of feeling some kind of awful way; I would just like to stay in the arms of the night. While people sleep and are non-violent. 

Sometimes it's the kindest and friendliest thing you can do; is to withdraw. But, I know it's not exactly the most fair thing that I could do for myself. There are so many things I am denying myself. Yet at the same time, it saves me from the paranoia that comes with everything falling on top of you. 

It seems that something has happened earlier that might not have happened if was not for my negligence. But, I don't really feel bad about because I expect this; I've been going through this same exact thing for over five years.

If anything I feel bad for other people because of what this spells out for other people around. To the locals it always this brave act; this reclamation of a child and power. It's consequence and responsibility; it's taming! But, when you look outside of this bubble, it's everything that's wrong, it's abuse, it's motivation, it's understanding for me, and a horrible use of physical power. And, I feel bad for the surroundings yet I am reminded why I could never ever be happy here for long. 

If there is anything I feel right now; it's embarrassment. I feel ashamed not because it happened but because not matter how much you can try to cover it up; it shows to the public. And, most times they know before I do. So it's another road block to coming together. It's another reason why I can't really bring home anyone that I like and love. Whether they admit it or not; most just don't want to come here. And, the ones that do come; just can't believe their eyes or ears. 

And, I look at my surroundings and I wonder if my family is not only seeing the situations but all seeing where all of this leading on their side of the line. Yeah, they might get to keep me but do they know what the end game is going to be. What could and will most likely happen to me. Yeah people survive wrecks and major illnesses but those are variables you can't control. My mother wants to live her life and no take care of people for the rest it. But, I could very well be that person.

That's the one thing I hate about this life we have here. Everyone around here sacrifices themselves and their lives. And, fights so hard to cover it up and justify their victimization; their coercion. And, then get mad when they have to pay for it. It's like monkeys in a barrel. And, if you do get away with murder; you will never be able to keep your possession without fear of the truth getting out. So I look at my family and friends; I want to say to them, "run away not because you are afraid, because you don't believe it will workout for you but because of your name plus future". Don't let the fall of me be the smear on your name and future. As much as my goal is to change and lift up. Their goal should be to never go to that dark place again.