A Promise To Complain

So I complain….Its a horrible habit to have but I complain. Maybe it makes me feel better or maybe its something more. My complaining has become something more, I feel as if my complaining has become advocating. I’m not looking for applause or fame as much as I want to hear someone just agree. 

Maybe gay people and outcasts will understand this better…But, It is incredibly hard to hold on to who you are and be that person when indirectly or directly, everyone is telling you that your wrong. Mentally your wrong and physically your wrong. When some people around me start talking, the only words I hear are within their conversations. Those words are, “Your wrong…your stupid…your body is all wrong, etc.”. And, sometimes it is true! Maybe not even sometimes for some areas. 

And, since I suffer from a mental illness, I feel like I am always apologizing for not being perfect. Then I am apologizing for being ill equipped and I am apologizing for not having, what I am not allowed. Everyday is a tug of war (externally and internally) between misconceptions of me, what is interesting about me and what is normal. So I cant fit the mold or design for this world. So I complain because the issues in my life have become so outrageous that I can’t have quality of life. Life is the thing that we suffer through from the moment we wake up til we fall asleep. Everyday I suffer in a way that is belittling and non supportive. 

All the time, I think about running away so that maybe I could change my stars. For centuries people have been running away and I think to myself…why cant you just leave. Why won’t anyone let you leave or give you space to change. It’s like I am a grown ass man; you can sue me but you can’t believe me when I tell you what I need. I just need to step away from you; I need to compose myself elsewhere. But, like train conductors, they feed the coal to the fire. And, I just need someone to be that sweet grandma or aunt that everyone has.

So I thank God all the time for the friends in my life that meet me where I am at in my life. Sometimes I get emotional when I think about it. And, the reason why it is so important is because it makes you believe that you can be accepted and your issues can be worked out. They can see that I am not my situation, they can see the once I rose above, I wasn't depressed, I was working, I was going out and I was intelligent. 

Instead I have people coming out from all over the fucking place; draining the life I have, draining any security I have…And, in the end all they do is take; take friends, money, family and so much more. And, I die a little bit more inside when a friend changes and becomes someone I don't know anymore. Someone who doesn’t know me anymore. And, I think to myself, my love, you were to sunlight in darkness. You had no idea what your friendship, let alone your example and presence meant to me. A piece of you lives in me. 

And, for a month or two I was going in the right direction. Now I feel myself going the opposite direction. When you know someone, you know when something is wrong. A side of them, that you’ve never seen on them but is familiar comes out of them. And, you just know something is fishy. And, I feel like trying to live on fishy advice is giving me something, to only get something in the end. And, it’s that ending that worries me; an ending that they might not even be aware of. 

So instead of opening my arms to new people, I want to close them. No matter how much we like each other, things just aren't going to go well. They are coming from me, they will screw me once too many times and I am going to be all kinds of bitchy. My friends are my family and I know that whatever misguided info gets out will not only affect me but whatever friends that I have left. And, I just can’t deal with all of that. I’m not trying to gain the world or control everything else; I just want a world of my own. A life of my own!

I’m not sure about the future. I’m not sure about what’s going to happen. But, I fear for people; they are doing way too much for the nothing that they are getting from me. At this stage, I feel things escalating here and someone is going to do something that’s way over the line. All I want is for me and my friends to stay at peace. I’d rather hold and take all of these beatings than give them to someone else. I’d rather things be seen for what they are then to make something else out of it. Just promise you’ll listen to me complain.